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Judge Parker, 8/17/13

Uh oh, is there trouble in paradise for Randy and April? This is a good example of why you need to discuss your closely held values with your partner before making a lifelong commitment. It seems that Randy, as a judge, believes in the rule of law and civil rights and all that namby-pamby liberal garbage, whereas April is an shadowy undercover operative who believes in kill kill kill kill KILL and then letting God sort ’em out, maybe, if He has adequate security clearance. She may have already thrown one suspected evildoer overboard, so this theoretical discussion might get a lot more concrete real fast! How will our newlyweds resolve this conflict of worldviews? (Probably it will be resolved when April kills Randy with an untraceable poison.)

Archie, 8/17/13

OBJECTION, this Jughead joke is not about Jughead’s laziness or his voracious appetite or his aversion to intimacy with women or his endless trend-chasing, and those are the only aspects of his personality. You can’t just add whimsical castle-sitting into the mix this late in the game!

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Greetings, readers! Behold, your comment of the past … two weeks!

“What do the bones strewn about this animal graveyard tell us? Quite simple: even though they may try to emulate human burial rites, some of these hideous animal people still actively consume the dead while littering nonchalantly. They still have quite a long way to go.” –Chareth Cutestory

And the hilarious double dose of runners up!

Funky Winkerbean: “So, Buddy’s the Best Man, eh? … I can only imagine what the bachelor party will be like … everyone sniffing each other’s butts, licking their own balls, rolling in rotten garbage, then eating grass until they all throw up.” –Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy

“If they had had Judge Parker instead of cold marble statues in ancient Greece, would the Allegory of the Cave still have occurred to Plato, or would he have been so thoroughly engrossed in the cave experience himself that he never would have realized it was an illusion?” –fausto

“I dunno what you’re yelling, Spanish-speaking guy, but I’m wondering the SAME THING! My mind is filled with INCOMPREHENSIBLE GIBBERISH!” –damanoid

Archie: “Moose is an athlete and they make him take stuff like algebra and chemistry? Which Asian country is Riverdale High located in anyway?” –Sgt. Stoned

“Hell, Sandinista, WE’LL give you a fucking medal, if you shoot Spider-Man!!” –sully

Spider-Man: “Given that the whites of Spidey’s eyes take up most of his face, it’s probably very hard for the soldiers to judge how close they should be before they fire.” –Horace Broon

“Has any extraneous extra in a comic ever looked as forlorn as that penguin in the lineup? His internal monologue: ‘Jesus, that convenience store robbery was eight friggin’ years ago! Can’t they ever let me forget it? All I took was a bag of ice! What do they expect from a penguin living so far away from the South Pole? I get warm sometimes! Look, I’ve tried to conform to the rules of their society! Look at these lime-green golf pants! Look at this fedora! Don’t these just scream solid citizen? But nooooooooooooo! To them, I’ll always be a criminal. I mean, why would I ever steal a bike anyway? How the holy hell am I ever going to reach the damned pedals?'” –Joe Blevins

“Take that, Floppy Hat Woman. This’ll teach you poor people to follow the super rich around and not offer them money.” –Liam

Mark Trail: “Oh well, at least we still have death and taxes.” –LP2004

Mary Worth: “I killed a man back in 2006 — he looked a lot like Bob Keeshan.” –Calico

“At some point in my schooling we went to a cemetery and made reliefs of the headstones. crayons and large newsprint. I’m sure part of the reason was to understand birth and death dates. Maybe another reason was to get us all over the hump of being scared by graveyards. Then another reason still could have been the teacher’s plan to bury us all alive in an open grave.” –tallyHO

“The magnet in Zoey’s mouth has attracted the steel plate in Peter’s head.” –Odie Odo

“I’m hoping all this elaborate evolution talk is Mark’s way of revealing that Rusty is actually the Missing Link. It would explain so much.” –McManx

“I will forgive this whole Mary Worth’s Tedious Spa Vacation plot if Mr. Pushy McTownhall, quietly seething over his diminished complaint, listens with increasing fury for the next few minutes (‘My affair got out of hand!’ ‘At least you have hands!’) until he suddenly erupts in sweaty, mouth-breathing rage, throwing chairs, scattering the womenfolk, shouting, ‘This is my first vacation in years! Listen to me share, dammit!'” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“So Crankshaft is done? Just to make sure, can everyone stick a fork in him?” –Droopy Says

“In all of the commotion, I never asked if you were hurt. And I’m still not asking. Because I really don’t care. So why are you telling me?” –Nekrotzar

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Family Circus, 8/16/13

I freely admit to being charmed by the little drama in today’s Family Circus. It is a story told almost entirely in facial expressions. Dolly and Jeffy are largely uninterested in where they eat, so long as they get to eat soon; PJ doesn’t really understand what’s happening, but he can feel the anger in the air, and it makes him sad; Ma Keane is upset both about the sassback she’s getting and about the fact that once again she’s been assigned the role of the enforcer. And then there’s Big Daddy Keane and his eldest son, the axis around which today’s story revolves. Far in the background, but still deliberately made very visible to us, Daddy is practically glowing. It’s because he’s looking forward to an entire meal of adult conversation for once, of course, but it’s also because he’s getting to watch Billy get put in his place. Billy, meanwhile, is just as aware of what’s going on. He glowers back at his mother, seething at his banishment to the kitchen. Alone among the Keane Kids, he understands that the seating arrangements are based on status, and that he has fallen on the wrong side of the dividing line. Someday he’ll be at the grown-up table, he thinks, and the grown-ups will all be shut up in a nursing home somewhere, unvisited and unloved. Someday.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/16/13

Finally, after showing the main characters lounging around in their underwear and threatening to show them in a bikini and actually showing them in a bikini and having them walk in on people wearing just a towel and order people to take their shirts off — finally the strip gets to depict a naked butt. Jokes on you, prudes! That naked butt is a naked statue butt, so it’s art. Can’t argue with art!

Crankshaft, 8/16/13

Crankshaft’s viscera are still bathed in enough bodily fluids to keep them functioning, in case you were wondering.