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Spider-Man, 8/22/13

“What, you’d rather have our fall gradually slowed by air pressure against a large parachute, when we could just have our arms violently wrenched out of their sockets when I latch onto a building with a single strand of webbing? You’ve been reading too many physics books, old buddy!”

Apartment 3-G, 8/22/13

Hey, remember Marty, Lu Ann’s socially awkward art student whose dad has PTSD and a brain tumor and is also destined to be Lu Ann’s doomed love interest? Well, she has a bad girl friend! You can tell she’s bad because she has a bizarre, asymmetrical haircut. What can you expect from a girl who asymmetrical hair? Tobacco cigarette use, that’s what you can expect!

Pluggers, 8/22/13

Pluggers’ bodies are so full of cholesterol and preservatives that sexual arousal is completely out of the question, really.

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Judge Parker, 8/21/13

Hey, there’s this whole other plot going in Judge Parker that I had completely forgotten about, involving Neddy’s new friend’s husband maybe being kidnapped and held for ransom in Niger, or maybe it’s an elaborate grift to get money out of the Spencer-Driver coffers, who knows! I am very enamored with Abbey’s look of vague disgust in the final panel. “20,000 euro? That’s really all you can come up with? I’m pretty sure we’ve got more than that in our couch cushions. Ugh, dealing with poor people is so distasteful, I don’t know how you people live.”

Pluggers, 8/21/13

SERIOUSLY PLUGGERS YOU HAVE A LOT OF NON-DOG-MAN CHARACTERS YOU COULD’VE USED FOR THIS JOKE IT’S LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO CONFUSE US

Heathcliff, 8/21/13

Heathcliff’s neighbor is racist against hippos.

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Crankshaft, 8/20/13

Crankshaft’s crankiness secrets … revealed! It turns out that he isn’t just an implacable machine hard-wired for hate. He actually has to work at it. There’s a real danger that he might actually have a pleasant interaction with a child, and we can’t have that. Did it used to come more naturally to him? Is he going soft in his old age? The sort of chill up the spine normal people get when they forget why they walked into a room or can’t remember the name of a loved one — does Crankshaft experience that when he catches himself smiling in the mirror sometimes, or when he notices that he’s expressing a glimmer of affection for his family?

Family Circus, 8/20/13

Aww, isn’t this an adorable edition of Kids Say The Darndest Things About Death? “Congrats on being the grandfather who will die second, grandpa! Can I tug on your wrinkled, sagging face-flesh, which feels so different from my own young and supple skin? Whoa, you really yelp if I pinch it too hard! I guess you still have some felling left in it! Yep, you’re still our alive-grandpa! You know, for now.”