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Spider-Man, 7/27/13

Whew, the Amazing Spider-Man has escaped from another tight situation, everybody! I sincerely hope that our sassy pilot/flight attendant/epaulette enthusiast was carefully watching Spidey make his getaway over the Costa Verdan’s shoulder, drawing out his sentence with an unnatural pause between “you” and “that,” making sure that he didn’t say Spider-Man was off the plane until his body was completely out the door. That way he won’t get in trouble when he’s dragged off to one of this thuggish dictatorship’s torture chambers! Technically, he wasn’t lying.

Hi and Lois, 7/27/13

Hi’s dead-eyed stare really takes this from “gentle suburban family antics” to “man in the grip of a debilitating addiction.” “I promise, I promise I won’t get out of the car,” he mumbles. “I just want to see the prices. Look, if we pull up to the curb, we can see the prices. Just let me look. Just let me look.”

Herb and Jamaal, 7/27/13

The absolute best thing about this extremely sad/hilarious (sadlarious?) Herb and Jamaal is that I think what we’re supposed to take from Herb’s wistful gaze at the phone is that his mortgage company hasn’t called him back either. Look, Herb, we may be out of the worst of the housing collapse, but there’s still a huge backlog of mortgages in arrears and foreclosure, so your lender doesn’t have time to attend to your emotional needs, especially if we’re only talking about one missed payment here.

Pluggers, 7/27/13

Wow, is this the most depressing Pluggers ever, more depressing than “Rhino-Man Hocks His TV?” “Pluggers will achieve the upper-middle-class status they wistfully yearn for only after they die.” Or maybe I’m misreading it. Maybe the panel is about plugger contempt for modern striving values. “Pluggers think your sad walled-off suburban development is a vast cemetery, your McMansion a 4,000-square-foot tombstone.”

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Why, is it that time of week already? Comment of the week time? I believe it is!

“Archie pauses. ‘…food court!’ Betty stares at him for a moment, uncomfortable at the idea that she’s been in a constant battle for this man’s affection for more than half a century. This is the pun that breaks me, she thinks. I wonder how Ronnie feels about blondes.” –Bunivasal

And it is also time for your runners up!

“Yay, musk oxen! It’s fun to speculate that if Rusty attempted to name one of them ‘Oscar’ and cuddle it in his arms, he might get stomped to death.” –Poteet

“‘Oh, sorry for assaulting you, miss! I thought I was defending myself from a small child. It’s not like I have any extra-sensory powers to warn me of danger. Also, I completely forgot that I asked you to wake me up. (Hang in there, Tarantula! Relief is on the way! –Hey, where’s my phone?)’ [INHALES SODA, CHOKES, SPIT-SNEEZES ALL OVER EVERYONE]” –damanoid

“That burrito is going to get a early parole because of prison overcrowding.” –tallyHO

Phantom: “‘The 19th Phantom races across No Man’s Land! To save the Aeronaut!’ –As opposed to the guy he just ran over with his horse. He’s probably dead, anyway.” –Lumaca Morente

A3G: “‘I left South Dakota, came to New York and here I am.’ I guess with Tommie on vacation, Lu Ann has to be the dumb one and the dull one.” –pugfuggly

“I like the fact that Sideburn Q. Burnside’s word balloon has its own word balloon. He may not be worried about Mark, but the word balloon sure is.” –Pozzo

“The Phantom! Uses Exclamation Points! Strangely!” –jim, some guy in iowa

“As usual, this strip strains credulity – no one has ever wanted Mark Trail anywhere.” –WeatherServo9

“It says a lot that Spidey has to seek protection from a mob so weenie that it’s led by Rick Moranis.” –commodorejohn

“‘Ha Ha! They’ll find Trail dead, frozen, and think it was an accident! Then they’ll look at his camera and … oh crap, I have to go in there and get the camera after all.’ [UNSLAM]” –Little Blue Bicycle

“If Margaret were truly a competent attorney, she would know that just throwing on an ill-fitting black blazer over her pastels will not provide the gravitas needed to confront the authorities. A pleated skirt and ruffled polo shirt? Mary Janes and pink knee-socks? Puh-lease.” –Fashion Police

“Shame Lu Ann can’t see speech bubbles, because that’s a crazyman’s lettering if I ever saw it.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“The blond took two steps forward; she heard something, maybe a twig snapping. But out here in the desert there were no twigs. She turned, and the white-haired biddy was pointing a revolver at her, cocked and ready. The barrel was as wide as death itself. ‘So what do you think, girl?’ Mary Worth snarled. ‘You think they’ll remember you well? I know what I think.’ The blond could see Mary’s knuckle whiten as she tightened her grip on the trigger. ‘I think you’ll be a pile of bleached-out bones in a few weeks, and the only thing people will remember about you is that you crossed Mary Worth.'” –Voshkod

“I love the gap in body language between Mary Worth and Whatsername Widow Purplesmock. Mary’s running a Zig Ziglar seminar in the middle of the desert, while Whatsername is just shivering as she gazes into the distance, waiting for this to be over.” –lorne

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Mary Worth, 7/26/13

Sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date with Mary Worth Brings The Healing, but … it’s been mostly like this? Mary wants to be remembered well after her death, like her husband, who I’m reasonably sure hasn’t gotten more than a sentence or two’s worth of attention in this strip for more than ten years.

Apartment 3-G, 7/26/13

“So you resisted all treatment from medical professionals for your debilitating mental illness and then … things got better? That’s a scenario that plays out all the time, right?” Man, sometimes Lu Ann really works to make sure we all remember she’s the “dumb one” in this strip.