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Gil Thorp, 7/20/13

Gil Thorp briefly (or maybe forever?) cuts away from wacky tales of senile retired pro wrestlers to bring you wacky tales of one-armed golf coaches! Steve Boone is an ex-Mudlark who lost his arm in a non-combat accident on an army base and was super depressed about it until Gil gave him an unpaid coaching job last year, which made everything better. Now he’s up for some wacky amputee jokes with the kids! Yaaaay sports!

Judge Parker, 7/20/13

Oh look, it appears that a member of the Spencer-Driver-Parker axis, who, it goes without saying, is already fabulously wealthy, just got $1,000 dropped in her lap, for doing nothing! Sarah Morgan may be already bored with having everything handed to her with no effort on her part, but this shit never gets old for anyone in Judge Parker.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/20/13

You know, I was going to complain about how Funky Winkerbean just won’t let us forget that the Dinkles are going to sex each other up, but you know what? It’s probably the happiest anyone in this strip has been for months, so I’ll let them enjoy it, at least until the shocking revelation about one of Viagra’s little-known side effects (boner cancer).

Spider-Man, 7/20/13

Oh, man, I was gonna guess “Because he’s on a plane and you have to turn your cell phone off when you’re on a plane,” but the real reason is much better, because it involves Spidey’s ineptitude.

Shoe, 7/20/13

“Ha ha no but seriously my marriage is a sham and my whole life is an awful emotional prison” [anguished bird-man sobs]

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Hello, readers! Have you noted that it’s quite hot in many portions of North America, and maybe other parts of the world too, who can tell? I will acknowledge this and then briefly remind you that Baltimore-area persons should come see me make funny joke-like noises on Wednesday the 24th in Baltimore before quickly and sweatily moving on to your comment of the week:

“Pretty sure the banner in Funky Winkerbean’s first panel reads ‘HAPPY AND THEN ANGRY,’ which is exactly how I felt before and then immediately after reading this strip.” –Lomo

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Yeah, Heathcliff? Just go ahead and eat the damn fish. People are starting to talk. I swear, I’m desensitized to the point where if I opened the newspaper and saw a strip of him practicing erotic asphyxiation with a dead eel I’d be all, ‘Oh, whatever. Now, what’s that Funky Winkerbean up to? Sucking? LOL, I love the funny papers!'” –notmydesk

This is the most horrifying FW strip ever. I guess it’s fitting that a strip featuring Dinkle is tone-deaf.” –Rusty

“There was a story arc in Ultimate Spider-Man where Spidey had to covertly make it home from Brazil by hiding in a cargo hold in a boxful of ladies’ underwears. That was surprisingly less embarrassing than watching him just take a plane like a normal person.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Surprisingly, ‘If I could get to Moon Valley, would my parents take me back?’ is the actually one of the most common phrases heard during astronaut training.” –Captain Hammer

“I might have been fast enough to stop him if I had used contractions in my speech, but there are some things a man is not willing to do.” –J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective

“So tell us, Heather, what’s the vomiting like? Fast and furious, or slow and thoughtful? Straight down, or in an arc across the room? If you had to describe it, would it be a cool mountain stream, a lazy river, or a fireman’s hose?” –pugfuggly

“Yes, I’m a physician! No, the hand holding this phone has no relation to my or any other human body! Don’t make me go 74-89 on you!” –Doctor Handsome

I’m afraid this could be a 10-41. Very afraid. So afraid I’m screwing up my face in a precious little moue of disgust. God, why did I take a medical degree? Wasn’t there an easier way to make money?” –DownInTheValley

“I’m a bit perplexed by Francis’s motion lines. He doesn’t strike me as an especially quick or active fellow, and smudgy dots give it a psychedelic feel. Could they be tracers? Is the never seen fourth child who witnesses the hijinks in Momma tripping balls? All the time? It would explain the ghastly malformed horrorshow that passes for the human form in this strip.” –Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny

“Thanks to fashion forward Gil Thorp last week and Randy Parker today, I now know that men’s shorts are finally rising above the knee again. I think it’s important to stay abreast of the cultural norms for men, otherwise I’d do something embarrassing like calling my publisher to see if his flight home was okay.” –Anonymous

“Bah, when Billy whacks Jeffy’s head off with the golf club, he’s totally going to slice. On the plus side, he seems to be using a seven iron, so Jeffy’s head may get some loft to it.” –Lily Sincere

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Herb and Jamaal, 7/19/13

Wow, I’ve been reading Herb and Jamaal for something like ten years now and I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen Herb make any comments about his wife’s inability to cook. But whatever, it’s an infinitely relatable joke (as are jokes about hot airline meals, which haven’t been served on domestic coach flights since 2005 or so) so why not just drop it in here? Haha, women, am I right? They can’t cook, even though they’re the ones who are supposed to cook! Herb and his live-in mother-in-law run a restaurant together and presumably have some degree of culinary skill, so it totally makes sense that Herb has been seething with resentment over the dinners his wife makes them for years now.

Family Circus, 7/19/13

I genuinely, non-ironically love the dubious way Jeffy is regarding the business end of that golf club. He knows that thing’s coming for him, coming for his big, tempting, oversized target of a head. He doesn’t know if it’ll happen now or a week from now, doesn’t know if it’ll be on purpose or just because Billy likes swinging things around and doesn’t really care who or what he hits, but he knows trouble’s brewing.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/19/13

“You can let even one of your dearest friends believe that you’ve ever spent a single solitary second caring about whether he lives or dies! He’ll think you’re ‘funny.'”