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Wizard of Id, 7/21/13

I don’t know if whoever’s currently writing Wizard of Id just got a big dog or just got bored with writing jokes about the same ten-ish characters who have been in the strip since the ’70s or what, but for the past year or so there have been a lot of Wizard of Id strips about Henry, the Wiz’s recently introduced pet dragon. As with Hagar and his cuddly bloodthirsty marauders, much of the humor here arises from the deliberately showcased contradiction between Henry-as-adorable-pet and Henry-as-terrifying-monster. I’d argue, though, that we’ve tipped a little too far towards the latter when we end a strip with an actual mangled human corpse dangling out of Henry’s mouth, with bits of blood and flesh falling to the ground like a soft rain.

Spider-Man, 7/21/13

Maybe I’ve fallen into some form of Stockholm Syndrome, but at this point I literally don’t want Spidey’s whiny, petulant battle of wits with a dickish eight-year-old to end. Today’s strip pretty much encapsulates everything that’s made it great: Spidey apologizing to the startled flight attendent by explaining that he only reacted to so violently because he thought she was a child; the kid taking every opportunity to remind Spider-Man that there are other, better superheroes in the world; and, of course, Spidey’s epic soda-slurping staredown with his scowling pint-sized antagonist. I am 100% certain whatever superheroic combat awaits our hero in Costa Verde will be infinitely less thrilling that this.

Mark Trail, 7/21/13

Harems? Sex fights? No wonder our society is coming apart at the seams, when immoral filth like this appears on the so-called “funny” pages.

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Gil Thorp, 7/20/13

Gil Thorp briefly (or maybe forever?) cuts away from wacky tales of senile retired pro wrestlers to bring you wacky tales of one-armed golf coaches! Steve Boone is an ex-Mudlark who lost his arm in a non-combat accident on an army base and was super depressed about it until Gil gave him an unpaid coaching job last year, which made everything better. Now he’s up for some wacky amputee jokes with the kids! Yaaaay sports!

Judge Parker, 7/20/13

Oh look, it appears that a member of the Spencer-Driver-Parker axis, who, it goes without saying, is already fabulously wealthy, just got $1,000 dropped in her lap, for doing nothing! Sarah Morgan may be already bored with having everything handed to her with no effort on her part, but this shit never gets old for anyone in Judge Parker.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/20/13

You know, I was going to complain about how Funky Winkerbean just won’t let us forget that the Dinkles are going to sex each other up, but you know what? It’s probably the happiest anyone in this strip has been for months, so I’ll let them enjoy it, at least until the shocking revelation about one of Viagra’s little-known side effects (boner cancer).

Spider-Man, 7/20/13

Oh, man, I was gonna guess “Because he’s on a plane and you have to turn your cell phone off when you’re on a plane,” but the real reason is much better, because it involves Spidey’s ineptitude.

Shoe, 7/20/13

“Ha ha no but seriously my marriage is a sham and my whole life is an awful emotional prison” [anguished bird-man sobs]

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Hello, readers! Have you noted that it’s quite hot in many portions of North America, and maybe other parts of the world too, who can tell? I will acknowledge this and then briefly remind you that Baltimore-area persons should come see me make funny joke-like noises on Wednesday the 24th in Baltimore before quickly and sweatily moving on to your comment of the week:

“Pretty sure the banner in Funky Winkerbean’s first panel reads ‘HAPPY AND THEN ANGRY,’ which is exactly how I felt before and then immediately after reading this strip.” –Lomo

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Yeah, Heathcliff? Just go ahead and eat the damn fish. People are starting to talk. I swear, I’m desensitized to the point where if I opened the newspaper and saw a strip of him practicing erotic asphyxiation with a dead eel I’d be all, ‘Oh, whatever. Now, what’s that Funky Winkerbean up to? Sucking? LOL, I love the funny papers!'” –notmydesk

“This is the most horrifying FW strip ever. I guess it’s fitting that a strip featuring Dinkle is tone-deaf.” –Rusty

“There was a story arc in Ultimate Spider-Man where Spidey had to covertly make it home from Brazil by hiding in a cargo hold in a boxful of ladies’ underwears. That was surprisingly less embarrassing than watching him just take a plane like a normal person.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Surprisingly, ‘If I could get to Moon Valley, would my parents take me back?’ is the actually one of the most common phrases heard during astronaut training.” –Captain Hammer

“I might have been fast enough to stop him if I had used contractions in my speech, but there are some things a man is not willing to do.” –J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective

“So tell us, Heather, what’s the vomiting like? Fast and furious, or slow and thoughtful? Straight down, or in an arc across the room? If you had to describe it, would it be a cool mountain stream, a lazy river, or a fireman’s hose?” –pugfuggly

“Yes, I’m a physician! No, the hand holding this phone has no relation to my or any other human body! Don’t make me go 74-89 on you!” –Doctor Handsome

“I’m afraid this could be a 10-41. Very afraid. So afraid I’m screwing up my face in a precious little moue of disgust. God, why did I take a medical degree? Wasn’t there an easier way to make money?” –DownInTheValley

“I’m a bit perplexed by Francis’s motion lines. He doesn’t strike me as an especially quick or active fellow, and smudgy dots give it a psychedelic feel. Could they be tracers? Is the never seen fourth child who witnesses the hijinks in Momma tripping balls? All the time? It would explain the ghastly malformed horrorshow that passes for the human form in this strip.” –Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny

“Thanks to fashion forward Gil Thorp last week and Randy Parker today, I now know that men’s shorts are finally rising above the knee again. I think it’s important to stay abreast of the cultural norms for men, otherwise I’d do something embarrassing like calling my publisher to see if his flight home was okay.” –Anonymous

“Bah, when Billy whacks Jeffy’s head off with the golf club, he’s totally going to slice. On the plus side, he seems to be using a seven iron, so Jeffy’s head may get some loft to it.” –Lily Sincere

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