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Archie, 7/22/13

Wow, I thought Jughead was a compulsive eater because he needed to fill the hole inside him where emotional intimacy should be, but apparently there’s this whole other twisted sadism angle to it too! Notice that Jughead isn’t just condemning this delicious burrito to a gory execution in his mouth, but rather to indefinite detention and torture in his digestive tract, casting himself in the role of some kind of mobile Sarlacc Pit. Does he chuckle to himself, imagining the poor burrito slowly being dissolved in his stomach, screaming in agony and begging for a quicker death? The long string of saliva dribbling from his mouth in panel two adds to the horror. Archie and Betty are right to leave him alone during this disturbing episode.

Family Circus, 7/22/13

I think the thing that bothers me most about Billy’s latest smug-bomb is not that he believes his thoughts are actually valuable, but that he’s dropped the first syllable from “economy,” like he thinks that’s cute or something. “Sorry, grandma, but in this ’conomy we don’t have time to pronounce ‘economy.’ There are valid reasons for this, but if you want to find out what they are, you’re gonna have to pay me.”

Mary Worth, 7/22/13

Hey, Mary, I don’t want to tell you how to live your life or anything, but when you’re saying “I remember when I became a widow … it seems like it was only yesterday,” probably you shouldn’t be rubbing your hands together gleefully.

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Wizard of Id, 7/21/13

I don’t know if whoever’s currently writing Wizard of Id just got a big dog or just got bored with writing jokes about the same ten-ish characters who have been in the strip since the ’70s or what, but for the past year or so there have been a lot of Wizard of Id strips about Henry, the Wiz’s recently introduced pet dragon. As with Hagar and his cuddly bloodthirsty marauders, much of the humor here arises from the deliberately showcased contradiction between Henry-as-adorable-pet and Henry-as-terrifying-monster. I’d argue, though, that we’ve tipped a little too far towards the latter when we end a strip with an actual mangled human corpse dangling out of Henry’s mouth, with bits of blood and flesh falling to the ground like a soft rain.

Spider-Man, 7/21/13

Maybe I’ve fallen into some form of Stockholm Syndrome, but at this point I literally don’t want Spidey’s whiny, petulant battle of wits with a dickish eight-year-old to end. Today’s strip pretty much encapsulates everything that’s made it great: Spidey apologizing to the startled flight attendent by explaining that he only reacted to so violently because he thought she was a child; the kid taking every opportunity to remind Spider-Man that there are other, better superheroes in the world; and, of course, Spidey’s epic soda-slurping staredown with his scowling pint-sized antagonist. I am 100% certain whatever superheroic combat awaits our hero in Costa Verde will be infinitely less thrilling that this.

Mark Trail, 7/21/13

Harems? Sex fights? No wonder our society is coming apart at the seams, when immoral filth like this appears on the so-called “funny” pages.

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Gil Thorp, 7/20/13

Gil Thorp briefly (or maybe forever?) cuts away from wacky tales of senile retired pro wrestlers to bring you wacky tales of one-armed golf coaches! Steve Boone is an ex-Mudlark who lost his arm in a non-combat accident on an army base and was super depressed about it until Gil gave him an unpaid coaching job last year, which made everything better. Now he’s up for some wacky amputee jokes with the kids! Yaaaay sports!

Judge Parker, 7/20/13

Oh look, it appears that a member of the Spencer-Driver-Parker axis, who, it goes without saying, is already fabulously wealthy, just got $1,000 dropped in her lap, for doing nothing! Sarah Morgan may be already bored with having everything handed to her with no effort on her part, but this shit never gets old for anyone in Judge Parker.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/20/13

You know, I was going to complain about how Funky Winkerbean just won’t let us forget that the Dinkles are going to sex each other up, but you know what? It’s probably the happiest anyone in this strip has been for months, so I’ll let them enjoy it, at least until the shocking revelation about one of Viagra’s little-known side effects (boner cancer).

Spider-Man, 7/20/13

Oh, man, I was gonna guess “Because he’s on a plane and you have to turn your cell phone off when you’re on a plane,” but the real reason is much better, because it involves Spidey’s ineptitude.

Shoe, 7/20/13

“Ha ha no but seriously my marriage is a sham and my whole life is an awful emotional prison” [anguished bird-man sobs]