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Mark Trail, 3/9/13

OK, fine, I’ve been ignoring it all week, but yes, Rusty was snooping around Rod Bassy’s van and saw the cheating-at-fishing equipment and got caught and now has been tied up, and, I mean, it’s hilarious and all but it’s not exactly a surprise, is it? The best part here is that Rod Bassy is reacting to the fact that his friend/accomplice Catfish has, you know, forcibly kidnapped a child with irritation that this will complicate his plan to rig the outcome of yet another bass fishing tournament, rather than with mounting panic and despair a là William H. Macy in Fargo. I mean, really, the tied-up little boy is in a van with Rod’s name painted in enormous letters on the side! You know, there’s a reason child kidnappers usually use vehicles without distinguishing marks.

Mary Worth, 3/9/13

Carlos Alora is the Charterstone groundskeeper and he hasn’t been seen in years, like, not since I started reading this strip in 2002 or thereabouts. Now they’re misspelling his name, which is more insulting than just dropping him down the memory hole. JUSTICE FOR CARLOS! WE CAN HEAR THE DOUBLE L WHEN YOU PRONOUNCE IT, MARY!

Shoe, 3/9/13

Man, can you believe it’s been four years since the rebooted Star Trek movie came out? Which means it’s probably been about three and a half years that Shoe’s been sitting on this joke, but now at last it’s relevant! Wasn’t it worth the wait? (No, no it wasn’t.)

Six Chix, 3/9/13

“Good lord, that was a filthy fuckfest, in every sense of the word! I had sex with a lot of men that weekend, but your father was the only one whose name I learned. Of course, that was only after we had done it five or six times. Hey, where are you going?”

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It’s Friday! It’s the comment of the week! Let’s enjoy!

“Holy flashback. Is that the first and only time Sam’s lost money?” –Dood

And the runners up! Very funny!

“At today’s Big-Bass Fishing Tournament, spectators were horrified when angler Rod Bassy produced an unidentifiable creature during the end-of-day weigh-in. According to witnesses, the creature was wearing clothes and was about the size of a 10-year-old boy, but it was clearly not human in form. ‘It was terrible,’ said fishing fan Jeffrey Watcher. ‘Those bulging eyes and that misshapen face. I can’t get it out of my mind.’ Tournament authorities are currently debating whether to allow Bassy to claim the creature as a fish.” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“Convinced that Mary Worth is a soup opera strip, Toby tries to get the plot back on track.” –Uncle Lumpy

“I only enjoy things I can eat, ride, or read! See, I just read this dog’s body language; he wanted a Ritz! And he’ll still be good for two other things!” –Doctor Handsome

“‘Cathy knew Evan wasn’t clean, and was covering for him.’ Um, isn’t that what publicists are supposed to do?” –giraffe-o

“We’ll have to interrupt this discussion of wealth accumulation — it’s time to give the dog Communion.” –Pozzo

“I have a feeling that this will be both the worst and most under promoted James Bond movie ever.” –Marc

“Proves how stupid I am. I thought the ‘punchline’ in Pluggers today would be something like ‘Pluggers haven’t watched television since 1978.'” –Gary

“Rusty would never go somewhere without tweeting about it … Oh here it is … @Rusty1987 became the mayor of Rod Bassy’s van on 4square.” –revenge4Aldo

“I’m intrigued by Kingpin’s vast cravat. Does he even try to tie a knot in that thing, or does he just tuck a tablecloth into his shirt collar and hold it in place with a big diamond? Or is that just his shirt? Or … dear god … Is that his skin?!” –lorne

“I really want to see a chalkboard with a long scientific equation that solves to a picture of Daredevil and Spider-Man with Xs where their eyes should be.” –Daniel

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Spider-Man, 3/8/13

Haha, panel one’s Depressed Scientist Guy With Mustache is my new all-time favorite ancillary Newspaper Spider-Man character! “Man, I thought getting off the publish-or-perish treadmill of academia would be better for my working conditions and mental health, but this is terrible. Doesn’t this oaf know you can’t hurry science? And what about my bonus? I was promised bonuses for private sector work!” Meanwhile, one of Kingpin’s lackeys is already ghostwriting Faster! Work Faster!: Leadership Strategies From America’s Most Innovative Supervillain, which will become a #1 best seller at airport bookstores nationwide.

Beetle Bailey, 3/8/13

The Halftracks don’t just live forever locked in an awful, passive-aggressive struggle with each other that neither can win or even enjoy! They also live in their own filth.