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Dick Tracy, 3/13/13

So there’s a new plot in Dick Tracy, and it involves this eccentrically dressed puzzle-obsessed possible supervillain, who is most definitely not The Riddler, a piece of intellectual property owned by DC Comics and its corporate parent Warner Bros. Anyway, this not-The-Riddler person has been taunting, or maybe just generally acting weird at, Dick Tracy in videos he’s posting online — videos that, as we can see here, are becoming increasingly transparently sexual.

Mark Trail, 3/13/13

“Good lord, we need to put a stop to this skullduggery immediately! And, if time permits, rescue Rusty before his kidnappers brutally murder him. I’m sure he’ll understand. The integrity of the professional bass fishing tournament circuit is at stake!”

Funky Winkerbean, 3/13/13

Haha, that’s right, Mopey Pete! Screw those people at Montoni’s! You may be a depressive loser but at least you got out of Westview. That’s your greatest achievement. Don’t give them the second-hand Skype time of day!

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Gil Thorp, 3/12/13

Oh, hey, Gil Thorp, remember that thing? What’s been up there? Well, let’s see … the miraculous basketball-improving peacock that Scott Fowler (OMG “FOWL”ER I LITERALLY JUST GOT THIS) thought was his reincarnated little brother was just some dude’s peacock that kept getting out of its pen. Gil, after making fun of Scott for his idiocy, decided to harness the idiocy of everyone else on the team by having them go hang out with the peacock and collectively gain its completely fake magic powers. This got them into the playdowns, apparently! Too bad they’re going up against Hamilton, a team that has its own lucky creature deal going on. Do you think this pig contains the spirit of their point guard’s dead dad or something? Whatever, it will surely be enough to ensure that Milford is ignominiously defeated in the first round.

Judge Parker, 3/12/13

Call it Stockholm Syndrome, but I will never tire of Judge Parker strips where beautiful people talk about money while petting pretty pretty horses. Did you even know how lucrative maritime law is, peasant? Of course not! You’re probably unfamiliar with even the basics of yachting lore!

Mark Trail, 3/12/13

“Bass boats … fishermen … the usual stuff … docks … bait shops … vans … fish guts left lying out on docks … wow, this kid sure is lonely and sad and obsessed with fishing, am I right? Maybe it’s for the best that a great fisherman like Rod Bassy has kidnapped him.”

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Blondie, 3/11/13

Easiest way to distract Dagwood from all the terrible news you’re about to give him about his financial condition: Metaphors! Lots of colorful, confusing metaphors!

Herb and Jamaal, 3/11/13

Ha ha, it’s funny because Jamaal used to have sex with lots of different women, but now he has trouble pooping.

Hi and Lois, 3/11/13

I’m pretty sure this is the first time we’ve ever seen Chip’s eyes? They’re terrifying.