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Gasoline Alley, 1/29/24

One of the central and increasingly untenable contradictions of Gasoline Alley is that it is and always has been a strip where the characters age in real time, but it’s also a strip that’s been continuously published since 1918, and Walt Wallet, one of its central characters, is now improbably someting like 130 years old. But they can’t let him die, or even retire gracefully to the semi-fantastical Old Comics Character Home like they hinted they would back in 2006 and 2013, I guess because extensive market research showed that once Walt is allowed to stop suffering, the few remaining Gasoline Alley trufans will simply abandon the strip and do something more interesting with their lives. Anyway, that same research showed that nobody gives a shit about Slim, so, uh, RIP Slim, 1970(?)-2024, you taught me that it’s pretty easy to freeze to death in your car.

Dennis the Menace, 1/29/24

Saw what you will about Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC not being innovative, but they were the ones who had the nerve to say, “Hey, I know in the ’80s they made us stop doing jokes about some of our characters being drunks, but what if we start doing that again, just to see if anybody still cares?” The experiment proved that, in fact, nobody did care, and now other comics are reaping the benefits. Ha ha, it’s funny because Mr. Wilson drinks to escape the pain of Dennis ruining his retirement, but now he’s old and he can’t really handle it anymore!

Dustin, 1/29/24

“Sure, yes, I have a device in my pocket that would grant me immediate access to health information, the lastest in journalism, the complete archives of Highlights magazine, and even soothing videos of fish swimming free in their natural habitat rather than suffering in a tiny, dirty tank. But I’m not going to take it out and look at it, on principle” –the Dustin dad philosophy distilled into its most potent and unpleasant form

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Dennis the Menace, 1/28/24

Folks, let me tell you something about my brain (and yeah, sorry, you’re reading a blog with the URL josh reads dot com, you signed up for information about Josh’s brain): I need to create elaborate systems for myself in my home so that I don’t forget where important everyday objects (keys, wallet, glasses, etc.) are, and the real necessity of these rituals is brought home to me every time I travel anywhere and immediately lose everything in a relatively small guest bedroom or hotel room. Names? Of people? Whom I have met socially on multiple occasions, and about whom I could tell you any number of things about their lives and hopes and dreams? You think I’m going to remember their names? You sweet summer child. You think I don’t maintain a Word document called everybodys_names.docx for each job or professional relationship I’ve ever had? Because I do, I absolutely do maintain those documents, thank you very much.

But, today? When I read today’s Dennis the Menace? I felt the phrase “Oh, the Mitchell family, the star of the syndicated Dennis the Menace comic strip, have a storage unit” sink into my brain, and I knew, I knew with absolute certainty that this bit of Dennis the Menace lore was now burned in there permanently. The next time I go anywhere, and I look desperately around the room trying to find my keys, and then I close my eyes to try to visualize where I left them, I know that what I’ll actually see is Henry Mitchell, Dennis the Menace’s father, looking around at all the boxes in his storage unit, and shaking his head at how Alice doesn’t think he needs a place to put this stuff.

Beetle Bailey, 1/28/24

Ha ha, look at Killer! He’s severely traumatized. I don’t think he was even beat up — this is all just from psychological abuse. I guess the other soldiers should really start to appreciate how Beetle serves as a ritual scapegoat for the whole camp!

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Mary Worth, 1/27/24

Remember when Keith first showed up in this strip as a closed-off, taciturn man who tried to get through his interactions with Mary with as few words as possible? And now here he is waxing rhapsodic about all the new feelings he’s been experiencing or whatever. I have to imagine that if you went back in time and showed the Keith of late September what he’s become that he’d be a million times more embarrassed than if he’d “gone woke” and just enjoyed a vegan burger or something.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/27/24

“Jimmy — is that you? My old friend, who came up with the ‘Jimmy Seminar,’ a self-improvement method that I blatantly ripped off to create the Ollman Technique? And who I spotted just a few days ago, panicked, and then ran over with my car? That Jimmy?”