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Heathcliff, 1/26/13

Heathcliff has so alienated everybody with his rude behavior that his only friends are his own parasites.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/26/13

These squirrels are more industrious and forward-thinking than literally any human in Hootin’ Holler.

Judge Parker, 1/26/13

You cannot deny that any drama that includes the dialogue “They sent an e-mail and a confirmation express letter!” is an unstoppable thrill ride.

Shoe, 1/26/13

Haha, it’s funny because of anuses!

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I got stuff going on today, folks (including getting ready for my performance at Baltimore’s 14K Cabaret tonight, you should come watch and strike a blow against the region’s insane panic about extremely mild snow accumulation) so I’ve got your comment of the week … kinda early:

“Three cheers for Kraven! The good guy escaped! (Kraven is the good guy, right?)” –Cloudbuster

And your runners up! Very funny!

“It was nice of Greg, the James Bond actor, to comb out, part, and curl Margo’s luxurious blue hair before putting her to bed. Maybe he concluded that ‘Eric’ was her stylist.” –Chipper

“Dilton isn’t absent-minded at all during his awkward display. His feverish mind is present inside his clumsy body all throughout. Aware that the girls are looking at him with not-quite-pity and not-quite-disgust, aware that the local loudmouths are braying remarks, and aware that one day … one day … all of Riverdale is going to burn.” –Chareth Cutestory

“‘Wait, isn’t that the sock your husband masturbates into?’ ‘Yeah. We’re really gross.” –Greg

“Snapping turtles have a worm-like appendage that they use to lure fish, so does this guy. ‘I have nothing to hide’ means he gets in the water naked during competitions.” –nescio

“So let me get this straight. Aquaman dyed his hair black and now cheats on the pro bass circuit with his fish-summoning powers? How the mighty have fallen. Well, at least he kept the orange shirt, for old times’ sake.” –Voshkod

“Margo owns the building, right? Which means those sprinkler-thingies are just for show and the axe is a foam-rubber replica.” –Dood

“‘Oh, no … not again?!’ That is officially the most you can fuck up punctuation in one sentence.” –Doctor Handsome

“‘Knute, what career are you looking for at the fair?’ ‘I want to be TJ .. in a hat!’” –Mr. Fogarty

“‘You’re ready, Mary?’ ‘Yes!’ Man, if that isn’t a set-up for the most anti-erotic porn ever, I don’t know what is. The fact that her next line starts with ‘Oof!’ only adds to an image I’ll never be able to drink away.” –Pozzo

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Mary Worth, 1/25/13

You guys, John and Mary aren’t just practicing baking a cake. That’s only a part of the elaborate stagecraft that goes into Santa Royale’s elite cake-baking contest! They also have to carry their cake from one place to another, and are thus quite sensibly going through a trial run of that as well. Probably in real life the reason this stack of tins is the exact same color as the practice cakes Mary and John have been making is because the colorists can’t be bothered to distinguish among the various cylindrical objects the strip’s been featuring over the past few weeks (additional data point: freestanding set of cookbooks, all the same dull steel grey), but I’d like to believe that John carefully painted each tin after filling them with odds and ends, for added verisimilitude.

Dennis the Menace, 1/25/13

Good lord, Dennis is one of those people who go around smugly informing everyone that they don’t watch TV. Menacing factor: Increased!

Pluggers, 1/25/13

COME ON PLUGGERS YOU HAVE MULTIPLE CHARACTERS THAT AREN’T DOG-MEN WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US