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Oh, look, if it’s that banner image, then yes, I’m plugging the opportunity to see me live and in person!

• I’ll be reading from my novel-in-progress at Shattered Wig Night, this Friday, March 29! I’m opening for Michael Kimball reading from his postcard life stories project, and there will also be music! At the legendary 14 Karat Cabaret at 218 W. Saratoga St. in downtown Baltimore. Cover is $5 (cash only please); doors open at 9 p.m. (Here’s more about the novel, which I Kickstarted into embryonic existence last summer, if this is the first you’re hearing about it.)
• You perhaps remember my earlier threat to appear as a monologist for an improv performance? Well, that got cancelled because of a snowstorm (a snowstorm that ended up not happening, don’t even get me STARTED), and now it’s been rescheduled. I’ll be appearing at Magoobys with the Baltimore Improv Group, along with a group from Pennsylvania called the Oxymorons. Magooby’s is at 9603 Deereco Rd. in Timonium. Cover is $5 and there is a two-item minimum (“item” here meaning food, drinks, etc.); doors open at 7 p.m. and the show starts at 8 p.m.

It always warms my heart when Comics Curmudgeon readers come talk to me at live events. I’d love to see you there!

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Better Half, 3/27/13

Seeing “FOOD COURT” in big letters like this gave me a brainstorm for a hit new reality show, Food Court, in which an ersatz jurist in a black robe would preside over faux trials in which, say, snacks that claim to be “healthy” would be cross-examined by medical experts who would prove that their sodium levels were off the charts and nutritive value was essentially nil. But then I saw the guy in the background in the vaguely Renaissance outfit, and I imagined Food Court, a historical comedy-drama in which a 15th century Italian prince rules over a Italian statelet and spends his time mediating the sometimes violent battles between rival restauranteurs. These ruminations were fairly inane, admittedly, but surely no worse than whatever Stanley is babbling about. Harriet is right to ignore him and look at whatever fun thing is on her phone instead.

Apartment 3-G, 3/27/13

Haha, I love how quickly Margo has gone from caffeinated semi-enthusiasm to heavy-lidded ennui. “So, this is about money? You want me to write you a check? If I get my checkbook out, that will shut you up about whatever do-gooder nonsense you’re on about, and I get to eat breakfast in peace?”

Judge Parker, 3/27/13

“We’ll both have the salmon with a caesar salad, Rudy … I’m buying, which means I get to make all the decisions! I’ll thank you not to address Mr. Driver by name or look directly at him for the duration of this meal. All lunch-related queries go through me, the paymaster.”

Archie, 3/27/13

Wait, but wouldn’t Archie’s dad have noticed the hamsters squeaking and moving around if they were alivAAAUUGH DON’T THINK ABOUT IT DON’T THINK ABOUT IT

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Shoe and B.C., 3/26/13

Elementary school test questions as setups to jokes in comic strips: most played out cliché on the comics page, or mostest played out cliché on the comics page? I guess I shouldn’t complain about accuracy when the students being tested are anthropomorphic bird-people and/or sentient ants, but I do question the quality of instruction in the bird and ant educational systems. In Shoe, Skyler’s cynical, heavy-lidded expression in panel two shows that he understands what a bizarrely open-ended and unanswerable question he’s been presented with, presumably by whatever over-eager art teacher also thought that art puns based on a catchphrase from a 17-year-old movie would get elementary school kids enthusiastic about learning. The ant-child, meanwhile, in an act of defiance over what appears to be a test of his knowledge of old sayings that are actively incorrect, fills in the blanks with a plea for death. Frankly, these questions are both making a good case for a uniform, standardized testing regime with questions developed by government bureaucrats, if these are the locally-directed alternatives.

Mark Trail, 3/26/13

Maybe Mark does love Rusty after all? In order to perpetrate his completely misguided rescue scheme, he’s been forced to not verbalize a sentence he’s formed in his mind and confine it to a thought balloon instead, in what must be a superhuman effort on his part.

Spider-Man, 3/26/13

DAREDEVIL: “And that’s where attorney Matt Murdock comes in!”

SPIDER-MAN: “Wow! This I gotta see!”

[SEVEN HOURS AND HUNDREDS OF LEXISNEXIS SEARCHES LATER]

SPIDER-MAN: “Oh, man, was I ever wrong about this.”