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Shoe, 1/29/13

I originally saw this strip a sort of sad commentary on aging. The surface joke prompts us to imagine notorious outlaw Billy the Kid — whose very name marks him as one of those figures who will remain forever young by virtue of an early death — as a stooped, doddering old man. Similarly, it must be the case that the Perfesser was, at one point in his life, young and vital, and yet now he slouches in his easy chair, his failing eyesight forcing him to sit far too close to the television, his living room strewn with garbage. But then I thought: maybe all the newspapers on the floor are somehow related to his bird-man nature? You know, because humans line the floor of birdcages with newspaper? For birds to poop on? Screw meditations on old age, I just want the strip to acknowledge that its characters are birds, just once, just once.

Crankshaft, 1/29/13

Speaking of old people, here’s Crankshaft shitting on his friend’s hobby, just to be a jerk.

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Family Circus, 1/28/13

Ma and Pa Keane — and, for that matter, Billy — are suspiciously absent in this filthy, ill-mannered breakfast scene, in which Jeffy is balancing his toast on his knee, Dolly is emitting some kind of fluid from her left arm, and PJ is just stone cold rubbing his ass on the table. Where are the elders? Have they and their tyranny finally been overthrown bloodily by the younger half of the Keane Kompound’s population? Is the “morning” on which this breakfast is being eaten actually a metaphorical new dawn of freedom, and it’s really 5:30 p.m., because now nobody can stop Dolly, Jeffy, and PJ from eating whatever they want whenever they want?

Herb and Jamaal, 1/28/13

Oh, Herb and Jamaal, you’ve had more than eight years to think about what you’ve done wrong, and still haven’t figured it out.

Pluggers, 1/28/13

You know, I live only a few blocks form one of the U.S.’s most competitive universities and see smart, upscale young students going to the store or to restaurants in their pajamas pretty much daily, so this isn’t just a plugger thing. It is true that pluggers are incapable of figuring out how to set up Netflix, though.

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Mary Worth, 1/27/13

A comment of the week from December demanded it, and so it has been done: today’s Mary Worth has provided a genuine cake-decorating-training montage. Feel free to play the theme from Rocky in your head while reading it, or, if you’re feeling saucy and/or 90s nostalgic, Smash Mouth’s “All Star.” Personally, I’m more interested in John’s relaxed, cheerful facial expression as he declares that this is a victory or death situation, and that the Santa Royale Civic Center will either echo with his bellows of triumph or be splattered by an awful melange of batter and blood.

Archie, 1/27/13

“Why do I get the feeling that Riverdale High isn’t going to qualify for Race to the Top funding for innovation in education any time soon? Maybe it’s because our ‘homework’ consists of simple questions on disparate subjects, the answers to which require no critical thinking skills and could easily be looked up on the Internet.”

Panel from Judge Parker, 1/27/13

“And he’s dying!” “Too bad!” Really wish this strip had featured Sam staring bemusedly at a six-figure check because then I could just quit reading Judge Parker and look at this panel every day forever.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/27/13

Haha, yes, the salinity of the Dead Sea, but also COUNT WEIRDLY’S FACE EMERGING FROM A HATCH THAT OPENS IN THE VERY FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE.