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Judge Parker, 8/5/12

The first time I saw Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, it was at the tail end of a big Hitchock binge, and so one of the things I found most striking about it was that it was about half of a typical Hitchcock movie. Which is to say: As in most of his movies, we get a cast of quirky character trading snappy dialogue, and start to get a sense of dysfunction underlying their interpersonal dynamics. Usually, the story’s excitement would emerge from these relationships fairly early in the movie; but in The Birds, whatever plot you think is brewing is suddenly and violently pushed aside by an incomprehensible apocalypse, as (uh, spoilers, I guess) every bird in the world suddenly goes insane and starts attacking humanity. It’s well and truly shocking in particular if you’re a Hitchcock fan, because you watch one of his meticulously constructed universes suddenly shatter under assault from an external force that is never explained.

This is a long way of me saying that, if the current round of enjoyable but predictable Judge Parker antics were abruptly interrupted by a terrifying and bloody raccoon revolution, I for one would be fully in favor of such a development.

Mary Worth, 8/5/12

Guys, sorry I left you hanging on the Mary Worth boat-plot — metaphorically, I mean, not literally hanging off the side of a listing cruise boat, like these guys. Anyway, Wilbur didn’t fall to his death and it looks like our gang will be rescued by a helicopter instead? Which, call me a swimming-snob if you must, but is it really easier to pluck half a dozen terrified passengers from the tilted deck of a rapidly sinking ship than it is for those passengers to, say, swim the length of two swimming pools through warm coastal non-oceanic water to safety? Tell me I’m crazy! Am I crazy?

Rex Morgan, 8/5/12

I’ll probably get sick of “Rex Morgan smiles to himself while taking flack from sassy old people” plotlines at some point, but for now, I say bring ’em on! “Tell me something I don’t know!” Rex says to Melissa, trying to figure out how to get into the space suddenly left open in her will by her ungrateful niece.

Spider-Man, 8/5/12

As if you couldn’t tell from the entire run of Newspaper Spider-Man to this point, spider-sense can not predict or protect against public humiliation.

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Beetle Bailey, 8/4/12

I was going to go into this whole thing about how “Halftrack Dysfunctional Marriage Saturdays” are always the most depressing day in the comics all week, and that Mrs. Halftrack is doing a great job of gleefully pushing her husband further down his little shame spiral rather than trying to free him from it, but then I noticed that the General’s trademark neck-wattle is visible from the side and I got distracted.

Spider-Man, 8/4/12

Sorry, everybody, we’re going to have to start speaking some other language now! English hit its pinnacle with “Never suspected I booby-trapped my clown nose!” and it’s all going to be pretty much downhill from here, so let’s get out while the getting’s good.

Garfield, 8/4/12

AHH AHHH AHHH GARFIELD TURNED JON INTO A HEAD OF CABBAGE WITH FELINE DEMON MAGIC AHHHHHH

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Enjoy it! It’s the week’s best comment, after all!

“I’m not saying you should use ‘Yakety Sax’ to score today’s Mary Worth, I’m just saying no dramatic tension is lost by doing so.” –Irrischano

And enjoy these runners up too!

“If ice cream cones are $5, that’s probably a $20 hot dog the seagull is making off with.” –Matthew

“’Skeetos sounds like a snack chip. Warning: contains insects and possibly human blood.” –nescio

“Today’s Mary Worth should win a prize for the least erotic mixed pole-dancing entry, ever.” –Fraser

“Is Spider-Man considered a last responder?” –Dood

“This shipwreck is Wilbur’s fault, because he decided to sample fresh Italian vegetables and exotic fish dishes. You’ve angered the Sandwich Gods, Wilbur, and now you must face their oven-toasted wrath!” –Perky Bird

“‘Sam, do you like baseball?’ ‘Yeah, I think we own the Arizona Diamondbacks and maybe the Orioles.'” –Doctor Handsome

“I have no idea what is going on in Rex’s life these days, but judging from that unique ceiling tile, I would guess that he’s talking on a cell phone to a man standing on the other side of the room he’s in. Why, you might ask? Because talking face-to-face is what poor people do.” –pugfuggly

“Lu Ann is taken to her happy place. ‘Pale blue walls, mustard colored trim. Yes! This feels so right.'” –Kwazzymodo

“I see the pendulum in Apartment 3-G has swung from ‘mind-bogglingly insane’ to ‘incomprehensibly dull.'” –TheDiva

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