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Archie, 10/12/12

Let’s forget for the moment Reggie’s absurd claim that his laptop has petabytes of storage, and the fact that he and Jughead are having one of those hilarious “haha we are misunderstanding each other’s use of polysemous phrases, with hilarious results!” conversations that no humans ever have, ever, or even that Jughead might be vaguely implying that his beloved dog is a cyborg replicant. Let’s instead enjoy the glory and majesty of Reggie’s sweater, which is the ’90sest sweater that ever lit a candle at a spontaneous vigil that formed on the quad the night Kurt Cobain committed suicide and then later got a “Rachel” haircut. Admire it in all its Clinton-era glory!

Phantom, 10/12/12

Look, I’m the guy who will bawl uncontrollably in a movie whenever an adorable animal is killed or injured in the most transparently emotionally manipulative fashion you can name, but … hey Phantom, I know you’re hurting, but you’re being kind of a dick here? “HE WAS TRYING TO PROTECT BOTH OF US, OKAY? BUT MOSTLY ME, OKAY? BACK OFF, MAN, HE’S MY LOYAL WOLF-DOG!!!”

Funky Winkerbean, 10/12/12

“Yeah, my first wife sure scarred me emotionally and left me the morbid hate-sack I am today! How about your first wife? Oh, right, dropped dead. Hey, look, I have a whole pizza here, let’s punish our colons with it!”

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Spider-Man, 10/11/12

OH MY GOD YES YOU GUYS KRAVEN THE HUNTER!!! Kraven was the villain in the very first Spider-Man plot I covered in this blog. Back then I was charmed by his outfit but eventually enraged by the plotline’s stunning lack of superheroics, which caused me to vent thusly:

When I did my first Spider-Man comic, almost a month ago now, I said, “Presumably the ass-kicking will begin in due time.” Oh, how naive I was! How, bitterly, bitterly wrong I have been proved to be! In that time we’ve had marital spats, a little aimless Web slinging, a press conference to announce the opening of new theme restaurant, and the firing of an incompetent waiter.

Haha, little did I know at the time that this represented more or less the most excitement the Spider-Man strip would ever offer. Now that I’m more in tune with the true nature of this strip, I’m really looking forward to Kraven’s wacky, camptastic antics.

Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft, 10/11/12

Never let it be said that the Funkyverse strips can’t cut loose and have some fun now and then! My only complaint about today’s Funky Winkerbean is that the colorists have once again failed to pick up on obvious textual cues, because I’d really like to see Les go chalk white in terror — proof that, despite the smug facade he presents as a defense against relentless tragedy, life still has the capacity to scare him to death. Crankshaft, meanwhile, is confronting the most depressing notion that modern science can muster — that the universe will end not with a bang or a cataclysm, but rather with a slow fading out to emptiness, with no life and no light. It’s almost a relief that Crankshaft greets this prospect with the exact same attitude of semi-informed grievance that he has about everything else.

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Ziggy, 10/10/12

Ziggy’s doctor is, in his own painfully awkward way, trying to tell Ziggy that he’s contracted a venereal disease due his extravagant promiscuity.

Mark Trail, 10/10/12

Oh, Mark, always so thoughtful, giving your full attention to all the members of your family during your brief visits home! Yesterday you made sure to shove it in Rusty’s face that you’ll be going fishing with someone else; today you let Cherry know that, while you feel vaguely bad about neglecting her, it’s just what you do, one of your little hobbies, and frankly it’s going to keep on happening forever, so she’d better get used to it.

Marmaduke, 10/10/12

“By the way, did you know the skull is a kind of bone? A juicy, delicious bone? Did you know that the thin layer of muscle and skin on the outside of a skull can be stripped off with frightening speed?”