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Funky Winkerbean, 4/17/12

So this perky underclassman nerd is attempting to woo jock senior Summer by means of anonymous text messages, which sounds like something that most girls would find spectacularly creepy and would probably earn him a punch in the face, but in the Funkyverse there’s a 50-50 chance this will result in true love. It did make me wonder (a) if anonymous text messages are even something you can send from your phone, (b) if so how a reply could get back to you, and (c) assuming such things exist, if anyone really calls them “restricted texts” as our amorous dweeb has been doing. Then I realized that I had just a little too much self respect to put the energy into researching the answers to these questions, so I didn’t! Aren’t you proud of me?

Mark Trail, 4/17/12

By “updating an aerial survey of his area,” Doc of course means “masturbating.” He knows that Mark will go in search of Tom, and hopes that, in stumbling upon him in the act of onanism, Mark will finally be forced to confront the reality of human sexuality. Decades of marriage to Doc’s daughter hasn’t done the trick, so this may be his last chance.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/17/12

So far, this plot’s central mystery has revolved around the dead Foster’s true character. Was he a lovable old rogue who perhaps drank a bit more than he should? Or was he a hateful alcoholic dick? The fact that he left for his daughter a book (one that everyone keeps emphasizing “reads like a screenplay”) that’s full of traumatizingly hot sex scenes involving her mother seems to tip things towards the latter possibility.

Spider-Man, 4/17/12

The last bit of dramatic tension in this storyline has been resolved without any help whatsoever from our ostensible protagonist, so now he can finally celebrate Spidey-style! Spidey-style celebration apparently consists of a little jig that’s frankly embarrassing to watch, because dancing is one of the many, many things Spider-Man sucks at.

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Slylock Fox, 4/16/12

The most hilarious Slylock Fox mystery solutions are the ones that rely on animal biology. I mean, in practice all Slylock mysteries actually rely on just arresting the only suspiciously named serial criminal who appears in the strip and/or assuming that anyone who’s been accused of a crime is in fact guilty, but the details needed to trump up charges against these people are always important, and so it’s great when those details involve, say, the average heart rate of a typical rat. The typical rat, of course, does not walk on its hind legs, wear clothes or “bad to the bone”-style sunglasses, live in a house, or grow to a freakishly enormous size. Rats also do not usually have the cognitive ability to either deliberately sabotage advanced traffic management systems or derive twisted satisfaction from the automotive carnage that results from such mischief. But sure, Rodney’s heart couldn’t have been measured at 72 beats per minute, right? Say, where’d you learn that little factoid about rats, Slylock? Did you read it in a book or look it up on the Internet? Because those are totally things that foxes do.

Apartment 3-G, 4/16/12

Tommie and Nina had a conversation earlier about how Nina’s mother died when Nina was a little girl and she was raised by her wonderful dad and that’s why she never learned to have lady-emotions. The fact that Margo seems to know a bit about this implies that she and Tommie have been comparing notes on the Gaines’ marital dysfunction back at Apartment 3-G, except obviously Tommie knows not to speak to Margo unless spoken to and why would Margo bother speaking to Tommie, ugh, so boring. Therefore, I have to assume that Margo and Scott are desperately trying to stave off their drunken lust for one another by just toasting things at random. “Here’s to Nina … and Nina’s father! She’s got a dad, right? Still on good terms with him? And hey, how about whoever decided to paint the underside of these yellow cabinets blue? Bold choice! Let’s toast that person!”

Mary Worth, 4/16/12

Mary Worth holds her teacup in a death grip. “So far,” she thinks, “I’ve heard about the unpleasant alcoholic whose life Nola destroyed, and some smelly vagrant, but I haven’t heard anything about my advice at all. Nola can’t possibly be on the true path to righteousness until she submits to my will.” Mary’s so focused on Nola’s failure to acknowledge her meddling primacy that she hasn’t even noticed the woman’s disproportionately large eyes, which probably indicate that “Nola” is a grey alien wearing an ill-fitting wig.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/15/12

Snuffy Smith has unleashed its most frankly political strip yet! The throwaway panels call for increased taxation on job-creating flatlanders, whereas the main panels imply that hiding income from Big Government is the moral equivalent of hiding income from your own family. You can tell that this blatant leftist propaganda is in violation of the true spirit of this feature, as Lukey refers to the Internal Revenue Service by its fancy initials, rather than simply using the culturally appropriate term “revenooers.”

Crankshaft, 4/15/12

Instead of trying to divide us with radical politics, Crankshaft brings us together. See, Crankshaft has made a little girl cry, and thus can serve as an object of hatred and contempt for all Americans.

Panels from Judge Parker, 4/15/12

Feel free to speculate wildly about what perverse sex act “giv[ing] Derek the guitar” is meant to denote.