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Marvin, 4/21/12

I had a lot of Marvin-related commentary about today’s strip — that Marvin is proposing to walk around the house urinating and defecating all over the carpet, that Marvin’s ass is once again on full, unashamed display, that the syndicate colorists have failed to fill in the hair on the back of Marvin’s head, probably because nobody wants to touch Marvin, not even with Photoshop tools, etc. — but then I noticed in the first panel how close Bitsy’s head is to the ceiling. That dog’s got be at least six feet tall! That, combined with his ramrod-straight posture, makes me more convinced than ever that he’s just some dude in a dog costume. Admit it, you can’t think of anything more perverse than a huge guy in a dog suit who insists that you call him “Bitsy.”

Popeye, 4/21/12

Meanwhile, as usual I only bring you Popeye when it reaches a delightful crescendo of insanity! The Sea Hag’s exploding sexbot has been the fulcrum of this overlong story so far, but Olive tied to a tree at her own demand so as to control her murderous rage is a recent and entirely welcome development.

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Hello, everybody! Are you interested in this week’s top comment? Yes, of course you are.

“Whatever Spiderman is doing, it seems to please the gods of Asgard. ‘We behold the clenching of your thighs with great delight, mortal!'” –nescio

And the runners up, very amusing!

“Nola also has a vestigial nose between her disproportionately large eyes — all the better to smell Mary’s cup of I-told-you-so.” –Comcis Fan

“Wow, just look at Scott work his seduction magic! ‘She died so young and so tragically. I suppose I should tell you the whole story, it’s just that it makes me so sad, and angry, and sexily complicated…'” –pugfuggly

“Nothing destroys a foot fetish faster than a someone sporting feet with three, equal sized, bulging toes.” –Izzy

“‘We may need him in case anyone shows up!’ What, like he’s going to be the receptionist?” –Hogenmogen

“Wait, you … you’re not a furry? You said the stilted code phrase and everything!” –bunivasal

“In her reply to my second text, Summer suggested that I begin my sentences like a normal person.” –Chareth Cutestory

“The texting portion of this Funky Winkerbean plot had better wrap up soon, considering Nerd McNerderson’s felt need to give the rundown on the text message count. ‘Her reply to my second text,’ eh? Is there enough room in a speech balloon if this goes on for another week? ‘I just sent my 5th bewildered reply to her third threat of a restraining order. Or was it fourth? Who’s counting?'” –Brian Jones

“I mean, a proper Parker engagement ring would have a diamond big enough to stub your toe on if you accidentally dropped it. This is probably a Parker friendship ring.” –Mark B.

“Thus begins a bizarre fetish for Dolly: she eventually grows up and marries an Oldsmobile. The family pretends not to notice, but they all die a little more than usual inside.” –Noel Schornhorst

“Could we please, sometime in the next few weeks, see Abbey and Sam riding over their land and talking about how many thousands of acres they own? I like my fantasies multifaceted.” –Poteet

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Family Circus, 4/20/12

Aww, isn’t that sweet? Ma Keane can’t stand physical contact with Dolly, for obvious reasons, but instead of just letting her wither and die without affectionate touch, she’s convinced her that the seatbelts are some kind of wire mother. The car will hug you even though Mommy can’t, Dolly!

Most repurposed car cartoons from the ’60s and ’70s, of which this Family Circus is almost certainly one, feature seatbelts that were pretty obviously drawn in later (i.e., they attach to nothing in particular at the ceiling, they tuck weirdly under characters’ turtlenecks, etc.) in order to make Americans forget about the glorious former age when gas was 50 cents a gallon and cars were gorgeously designed high-powered death traps and we didn’t care whether we or our children lived or died. Still, it’s kind of weird to take an altered cartoon like this and make it actually about seatbelts. One wonders what the original caption was. “I almost broke through the windshield that time, Mommy! Next time slam on the brakes a little harder!”

Judge Parker, 4/20/12

Aw, not only do Randy and April get wealth and power without any effort or merit, but they also get true love, the kind that ordinary people like you will never experience! I’m intrigued/disgusted by April’s claim that she wanted to marry Randy from the day she met him, which seems to lend credence to the idea that she’s a CIA superagent detailed to protect him at all costs, because really, who’d fall in love at first sight with Randy, gross. The earliest example of Randy-April romance I could find in my archives is from six and a half years and two artists ago; I don’t think it’s supposed to be the day they met, but it’s instructive nonetheless, as it features skilled marksperson/all-around badass April feigning incompetence, because that’s what boys like; later, Randy makes a crude sexual demand.