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Family Circus, 3/11/12

The Keane Kids’ responsibility-dodging spirits vie with the Billy’s dotted-line trails for the title of the Family Circus’s most iconic gag. Still, while Ida Know and Not Me are fairly well known, I don’t think Nobody shows up so often, which may explain why I was so surprised and horrified by his creepy mustache. I mean, the mustache and the hat already combine to make him look like your slightly skeevy uncle, if your slightly skeevy uncle were three feet tall and a ghost; but, since he has no visible nose or mouth, the mustache is just a stripe of hair across a mostly featureless face, which is completely terrifying to me.

On the other hand, I approve of the way that the children and their daemons have been lined up against the wall, since it appears that Mommy has finally had enough and is just going to have them executed by firing squad for their dish-breaking crimes.

Crankshaft, 3/11/12

Longtime readers of the Funkyverse strips know that one of that fictional universe’s most prominent characteristics is the relentless and omnipresent punning. Today, however, we see that this behavior may in fact have an evolutionary advantage. The first three panels of the strip feature Jeff getting increasingly angry at yet another instance of injustice, looking like he’s about to strangle someone or at least suffer a major coronary event. But in the final panel, Pam’s terrible bit of wordplay seems to have flummoxed him, knocking him out of his rage-cycle and leaving him in a state of slant-mouthed confusion. How many lives were saved by her quick, corny thinking?

Dennis the Menace, 3/11/12

We spend a lot of time worrying about whether Dennis has lost his menacing vibe, but what of Mr. Wilson? One might worry that the lack of a worthy antagonist has caused the old man to lose his edge. But fear not, as today he manages to implant in Dennis that special shiver of existential terror we all get when we first realize that we, too, will grow old and die. I dearly hope that the otherwise unexplained photo of Dennis in the opening throwaway panel represents a Portrait of Dorian Grey-style magical object, which will wither and age while Dennis stays young, until it comes time for the Devil to reap his soul; that would be menacing indeed.

Panel from Mary Worth, 3/11/12

Well, Nola, if you won’t listen to good advice from John Lennon, maybe Jesus will talk some sense into you, hmm? If nothing else, the relative efficacy of these two quotes may resolve some longstanding debates.

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Spider-Man, 3/10/12

A typical superhero comic trope is the ironic yet true thing said unknowingly about a superhero’s secret identity, right? I’m assuming that’s what the all-too-true “’Tis useless to call for her husband!” is all about. Not that Thor’s next sentence is any less hilarious. Honestly, if someone says “None but Spider-Man can save her now” about you, you should probably start making your peace with death.

Hi and Lois, 3/10/12

I suppose if you’re on DJ duty at a retro-disco party you have to entertain yourself the best you can, but I think it’s needlessly cruel to use the spotlight to focus everyone’s attention on the first middle-aged person of the evening to injure himself dancing.

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I hope it is a pleasant early spring day wherever you are! Let’s enjoy our COTW, shall we?

“The willowy Thelma Keane drapes an elegant hand over her wasp-waist and gazes listlessly upon the stumpy ginger fire-plug in human form that has somehow burrowed its way out of her uterus. In this moment she does not see Barfy slavering over the jug-shaped head of her last-born, nor does she hear the ceaseless stream of prattle emanating from Dolly’s ever-flapping mouth. Her features set in a mask of enigmatic neutrality, Thelma struggles to suppress a crashing wave of existential nausea.” –Higgs Boatswain

And the hilarious runners up!

“Oh, Gunther! You’re just like Gandhi, if Gandhi liked to physically assault people while their backs were turned.” –Chyron HR

“I looked up ‘Braxton Hicks contractions’ myself, and nowhere does it mention inexplicable shape-shifting. Tommie’s diagnosis for Nina is clearly incorrect.” –mstgator

“When you look back at this season you should do it with pride. Personally though, I can’t even be bothered to look back at my team as I finish this half-assed sorry-I-blew-it speech on the way out the door. See you in gym class, losers!” –Nate

“Why does Marvin’s mom have three breasts? Is the strip moving to a war footing against Judge Parker?” –Dood

“Given that I have no idea what happened (nor do I care to find out) between Parker Bowen’s suspension and Milford’s defeat, I’m going to assume that the last two days of have consisted of Gil furiously trying to find some rule that automatically disqualifies any team whose players have cornrows.” –Irrischano

Mary Worth: “The giant Belgian waffle is back! My new favorite character!” –Flummoxicated

“Man, you know what would be way more interesting than reading about the unventures of Shoe and Perfesser? Reading about the life of Good Samaritan Hipster Duck. All day he just drives around the (city? treetops? Where the hell does Shoe take place augh what the hell) in his shooter cap and scarf and does minor good deeds.” –bunivasal

“PJ sure seems to enjoy eating his … clod … of something?” –sporknpork

“I think we all know that if today’s strip was truly a distillation of Judge Parker, the shooter would show up at Chesty Shotgun Blonde’s hideout to give her a solid platinum medal for being the best assassination target ever, before promptly dying and leaving his till now unmentioned vast wealth to her. Because she earned it.” –Alex

“Who’s the target audience for Gil Thorp anyway? What demographic gets excited about harassing local tattoo shop owners?” –AndyL

“Who would have ever possibly thought that the most realistically drawn character in Gil Thorp would be the cat-person from Avatar?” –BradyJ

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