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Family Circus, 4/20/12

Aww, isn’t that sweet? Ma Keane can’t stand physical contact with Dolly, for obvious reasons, but instead of just letting her wither and die without affectionate touch, she’s convinced her that the seatbelts are some kind of wire mother. The car will hug you even though Mommy can’t, Dolly!

Most repurposed car cartoons from the ’60s and ’70s, of which this Family Circus is almost certainly one, feature seatbelts that were pretty obviously drawn in later (i.e., they attach to nothing in particular at the ceiling, they tuck weirdly under characters’ turtlenecks, etc.) in order to make Americans forget about the glorious former age when gas was 50 cents a gallon and cars were gorgeously designed high-powered death traps and we didn’t care whether we or our children lived or died. Still, it’s kind of weird to take an altered cartoon like this and make it actually about seatbelts. One wonders what the original caption was. “I almost broke through the windshield that time, Mommy! Next time slam on the brakes a little harder!”

Judge Parker, 4/20/12

Aw, not only do Randy and April get wealth and power without any effort or merit, but they also get true love, the kind that ordinary people like you will never experience! I’m intrigued/disgusted by April’s claim that she wanted to marry Randy from the day she met him, which seems to lend credence to the idea that she’s a CIA superagent detailed to protect him at all costs, because really, who’d fall in love at first sight with Randy, gross. The earliest example of Randy-April romance I could find in my archives is from six and a half years and two artists ago; I don’t think it’s supposed to be the day they met, but it’s instructive nonetheless, as it features skilled marksperson/all-around badass April feigning incompetence, because that’s what boys like; later, Randy makes a crude sexual demand.

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/19/12

Congrats to Funky Winkerbean for coming up with a storyline that finally makes me feel hate for it again, instead of just bemused indifference! I don’t know why I find Underclassman Nerd Whose Name I Don’t Remember’s love for Summer so irritating. As a nerd myself who likes feisty, non-demure gals, you’d think I’d be in his corner, but I just find his whole strategy and technique annoying and doomed. Since he first fell for her because she rescued him from a bully, I suppose that the inevitable ending of this plot, in which Summer punches U.N.W.N.I.D.R. in the face, will at least provide some O. Henry-style chuckles.

Today’s strip also made me laugh joylessly at the thought that Montoni’s represents “good pizza,” rather than “the only pizza you can eat outside your home in this hell-burg, and also Summer’s dad works there so what do you expect.”

Crock, 4/19/12

You guys, nobody tell the creators of Crock that “pitch a tent” is a euphemism for sporting a visible erection, OK? I don’t want them to be embarrassed about how they accidentally used the phrase in this comic. (I choose to believe that they’re unfamiliar with this bit of modern-day slang, because the alternative is too awful to contemplate.)

Marvin, 4/19/12

Marvin’s parents can’t bring themselves to kill him with a rock, so they’ve just fled from the house and are letting him starve to death.

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Hello, Comics Curmudgeon readers! You are probably aware (because I’ve pointed it out to you several times) that I co-run a Tumblr, called [Citation Needed], full of hilarious/terrible excerpts from Wikipedia. You are probably also aware that there is a book that culls the best of the Tumblr, and includes funny jokes from us to boot. But what you may not know is that you can get the Kindle version of the book for free for the rest of the week! We are hoping you will download it on your Kindle and think “What I need is a paper copy of this book that I can keep in the bathroom at all times” and then you’ll shell out for that, but really if you just get it on your Kindle and enjoy it we’ll be mildly satisfied.

The occasion for this act of generosity is tomorrow, which is of course the 2012 edition of National High Five Day. While surely you are aware of this event and probably already have the day off from work, what you may not know is that it’s an entirely fake holiday co-invented ten years ago by Conor Lastowka, who is my partner in [Citation Needed] curation (and also a writer for Rifftrax). Conor has recently decided that High Five Day should be not just about propagating obvious falsehoods about the origin of the high five, but also about helping others, and thus is not only giving out Kindle editions of our book (which helps you via the gift of laughter) but also raising money for cancer research. Have you wanted to fight cancer, but always feel like doing so just makes everyone in Funky Winkerbean all the smugger? Well, click here to help make a genuine friend o’ Josh smug instead.