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Dennis the Menace, 5/20/11

Ha ha, Dennis knows the score! “Mom, this $2 patty of Grade F meat smeared with American cheese and non-fancy ketchup certainly isn’t anything that would be improved if I savored it. You’re supposed to wolf it down as fast as you can so the fat triggers all the pleasure centers in your brain extra hard! That’s what it’s for!”

Apartment 3-G, 5/20/11

I honestly have no idea what eerie bouquet-holding superstition Paul’s mom might be referring to, but that makes me as dumb as Lu Ann, so I’m going to not think about it and instead admit that I’m also not sure why exactly Paul’s mom is so keen to take pictures of our happy couple. I guess it could be because they’re supposed to be all dressed up for the wedding, but Paul is wearing a suit and tie, just like all men in the A3Giverse do constantly, and Lu Ann’s hideous bridesmaid’s dress in completely invisible under her all-encompassing coat. (That coat, by the way, is an instance of this strip accidentally depicting a garment that a young person in New York in 2011 might actually wear, although Lu Ann doesn’t seem like the spend-too-much-at-a-vintage-clothing-store-in-Park-Slope type.)

Gasoline Alley, 5/20/11

Five years ago, Slim tried and failed to feed his grandson to the bears. He’s not going to let another opportunity slip through his fingers!

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Shoe, 5/19/11

Nobody ever reads off a list of everything on a menu aloud, and Roz’s pencil is working diligently, so I assume that the Perfesser is actually ordering this extremely long list of food items, which in turn means that Shoe is referring to some kind of U.N. meeting on global obesity problems. Several of the dishes the Perfesser is trying to order are also based on bird-flesh, which means that it may be a U.N. meeting on a resurgence of cannibalism.

Gil Thorp, 5/19/11

I’m sad to report that the less interesting of Gil Thorp’s two current plotlines is the one that doesn’t involve school budget negotiations. Still, Coach Kaz is extorting money out of a longhair with the implicit threat of violence, so maybe things are looking up a bit. My bet is that Buzz Marco is less intimidated by Kaz’s beefy arms than he is by the horrifying tentacle-fingers that Kaz has so delicately draped across his collarbone.

Mary Worth, 5/19/11

Today’s Mary Worth narration box is for readers who don’t understand the orthographical convention by which bold italics convey emphasis. I dearly hope that Drew is literally shouting the final clauses of his sentences at Liza, in the increasingly desperate hope that she’ll acknowledge that he broke up with her.

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Spider-Man, 5/18/11

Oh, the sight of the hapless Spider-Man’s feet sticking uselessly upwards as Morbius the Human Vampire hauls him to safety warms my shriveled heart! You might think, based on the hideous claw Morbius also has a hold of in that panel, that Spidey has been attacked in mid-air by yet another vampire in this chamber of horrors, but no, that’s just MJ’s hand, drawn very badly.

At any rate, Morbius’s transformation into a Non-Human Vampire is clearly well underway, as rather than referring to MJ as a “woman” as a normal person would, he’s going for the stilted “female” instead. I dearly hope that he and his vampire bride are also speaking in heavy Transylvanian accents for no good reason.

Apartment 3-G, 5/18/11

Don’t get upset, ladies! Paul may have partaken in your lady flower-grabbing game, but he is ALL MAN! He did it for his COACH, who was a MAN, who coached him in a SPORT. A sport for men!

B.C., 5/18/11

This sentient talking turtle has been a beloved B.C. character for years, but, uh, I guess he’s going to be killed and eaten now.