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Judge Parker, 8/27/11

The Judge Parker cast is so uniformly and repulsively wealthy — look, Sam and Abbey are walking past the enormous pillars on the front of their house, built to a scale previously only seen on the palaces of the most decadent Roman emperors, and are trying to figure out something pointless they can buy with the yet more money that’s being thrown at them — that the only reason I can keep from hating them utterly is because I’m amused by their sexlessness. Oh, it may look as if Abbey is going to successfully woo Sam up her giant dominatrix staircase and have her way with him, but don’t worry, someone will pass out or something, maybe because of the fumes coming off all the freshly printed $100 bills that they have lying around.

Mary Worth, 8/27/11

Mary of course hates and fears the Internet, which will stop her from offering Gina the most obvious piece of advice for her situation, which is of course that she should look her dumb old childhood sweetheart up on the Internet to find out if he’s single or not. “That certainly is a tragic story, dear. Say, why don’t you call up that gentleman who gave you his phone number the other day? He doesn’t seem like an unrepentant sex offender.”

Pluggers, 8/27/11

Pluggers wouldn’t dare disobey their corporate masters, but they sure seem to piss off their wives a lot.

Hey, everyone, I’m out of town for a brief break — Sunday and Monday comics will go up Monday evening sometime.

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Oh, hi, is your comment of the week SHOCKINGLY EARLY? Well, I guess that depends on how easily you’re shocked, but here it is.

“Let me get this straight: Dagwood is supposed to be OCDing about Vanna White’s farewell messages, and he’s figured out the ratio of ‘bye-byes’ to ‘goodbyes,’ but the only detail he knows about the ‘so longs’ are that they happen ‘occasionally?’ Is the ratio 23 bye-byes to a so long? 47? 112? NOT GOOD ENOUGH, DAGWOOD. MY GRADUATE THESIS IS VERY DISAPPOINTED.” –T Campbell

And here are your hilarious runners up!

“You’re being threatened by the mob? There has never been a better time to raise the roof, amirite Gina?” –Stevesie

“So, this part of Mark Trail is a dream sequence, right? I mean, when I find myself in a cabin being served tea by Pocahontas, talking with Super Mario about how where to find Steve McQueen, I just assume I’m dreaming.” –pugfuggly

“While it may seem like he’s referring to the gay community, that’s clearly not the case. No self-respecting gay lumberjack would ever hang a yellow-and-lime-green rug diagonally on their wall.” –Master Mahan

“I bet a lot of women start looking up A.A. meetings and therapists as soon as Gil leaves their apartment.” –Doctor Handsome

“This is my friend, Ed Crankshaft. And by ‘friend,’ I mean bitter, lonely old man who follows me around making abysmal puns until I can find someone to fob him off on. Well, he’s your problem now!” –Pozzo

“That intervention went by so quickly, it makes Gil the One-Hour Photo Hut of alcoholism treatment. ‘Got the DTs? Call GT!'” –The Gringo Kid

“I lost my wife during the second deployment … tank accident … uh, no, car accident, cars, that’s it. Car. Yeah. A Toyota. [Pause.] I’m very popular in the community.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Hey Margo, exactly what is it about a guy from Hoboken that makes him inappropriate? Was it that he went out for a real meal rather than eat that box of baking soda you have boiling on the stove?” –Thomas B.

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And this is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Shoe, 8/26/11

Today’s edition of “Overthinking It” comes courtesy of Shoe, because I can’t stop looking at the front left leg of that SNAX machine, dangling as it is just past the edge of the Treetops Tattler’s treetop newsroom. At first I thought the arrangements of all the legs might be a physical impossibility, but if you squint you can sort of imagine a twisting three-dimensional cylinder occupied by that tree bough that might allow the arrangement that we can see here. More difficult to picture is a scenario in which the Perfesser somehow managed to stand precariously on that narrow limb, his arms barely able to wrap around the truly obscene number of snax-pax he’s purchased, and still somehow manage to put coins into the machine and fish more bags of potato chips out of the bottom slot. Still, all of this shouldn’t take away from the hilarious punchline of the strip, which is that the Perfesser is a paranoid lunatic who resents and fears the newsroom vending machine even as he compulsively pumps his meager earnings into it.

Beetle Bailey, 8/26/11

Based on recent evidence, it appears that Beetle Bailey is attempting to appeal more strongly to its core audience of angry old drunks. I’m glad I didn’t have to run that focus group.

Crock, 8/26/11

Ha ha, it’s funny because … people … read electronic books now? No, wait, it’s funny because not a single person involved in the creation of Crock has any idea what a “download” is.