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Slylock Fox, 4/22/11

Everyone knows that the quickest way to make something adorable and kid-friendly is to make a li’l child version of it; this is the logic that produced Muppet Babies and Animaniacs, to great success. Still, when you’re dealing with a mummified corpse reanimated via the ancient magic that still lingers in some musty tomb, a child version seems less cute than terrifying and soul-crushingly sad. Look, the little damned soul is about to taste its first dessert since he died sometime during Egypt’s 19th Dynasty! Too bad his tongue is going to crumble to dust in his mouth the moment it touches that ice cream.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 4/22/11

Ha ha, yes, I’m always up for a good joke about Mary Worth showing off her vagina, but still … still, this is kind of the moment when you realize, “Wow, I don’t think the people at the syndicate are actually reading the comics anymore before they just ship them off to America’s few remaining newspapers,” what with jokes that only make sense in the context of, “Hey, remember that movie in the ’90s, where you saw that lady’s vagina?”

Pluggers, 4/22/11

Pluggers are too respectful to call their teachers by their first name, but never could get their head around all these crazy ethnic names they have these days, like “Van Pelt” or whatever Dutch craziness.

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Family Circus, 4/21/11

Oh, Dolly, since you’re the only girl child in a clan of reactionary imbeciles, I always knew you were doomed to a sad, lonely life, but … monitoring Jeffy’s hygeine? Running your finger along the bristles of his toothbrush, and tattling triumphantly when you fail to find evidence of Jeffy-slobber? This is all you can come up with for entertainment? Is there no mud to sullenly poke at? No walls to stare at? No long, elaborate prayers to numbly recite? This is what’s fun, for you?

Apartment 3-G, 4/21/11

We’ve been watching the long build-up to Tommie as a singing sensation, but I’m pretty sure that we’ve never actually seen her write a song, and now hobo tramp producer svengali Dan Diller is browbeating her into quitting her play (quitting her job comes next, presumably) and trying to churn a bunch of them out. Anyway, I’ve been eagerly awaiting the part of this storyline where Tommie fails and her dreams are crushed, and I think we’re just … about … there.

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Gil Thorp, 4/20/11

“Ease up” has pretty much been my all-time favorite two-word combination in Gil Thorp ever since it served as a prelude to Coach Kaz bending time and space with his hairy, hairy fists. I’m frankly hoping that this board meeting ends in fisticuffs, as that’s about the only interesting follow-up there can be to phrases like “deficit task force,” “budget subcommitee [sic],” and “Hobart.”

Mary Worth, 4/20/11

Ha ha, Mary can’t even remember Dawn’s name. “You remember, he was fornicating with that nice Vera, and what’s-her-name, the underage girl who can’t get enough of the computer whosits. Whatever. Who do you think he’ll seduce and betray next?”

Family Circus, 4/20/11

That’s a nice big basket, Billy! In the spirit of the season, seeing as you’re the firstborn son and all, we’re going to use it as a boat, and put you inside it and float you down the River Nile. Maybe you’ll be adopted by a beautiful Egyptian princess! Only by “River Nile” we mean “the sewage culvert” and by “beautiful princess” we mean “one of those hobos who live in the tent city down by the sewage culvert.”