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Gil Thorp, 4/2/11

That’s right, Gil’s priorities are pretty well known, and they generally involve being a smug, lazy, obstinate, and ineffective by turns. Thus, just to show up Mimi for implying he’s a goody-goody, he’s going to blatantly show favor to his star pitcher. Probably everyone’s going to be mad and there’d be a way to soothe that over, but, enh, it’d be hard, so whatever.

Blondie, 4/2/11

The “sale” being closed here, of course, is the sale of a new human victim to this monstrous mattress-beast, which has an insatiable hunger for human flesh.

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Folks, I shan’t beat around the bush: this here is your comment of the week.

“Blaze arrives on the scene, to fill his new role as exposition bomb, and what a bomb! Luke Skywalker haircut, shirt open to the winds to accentuate his flat, bare and pallid flesh, neckerchief tied tight enough to introduce constant auto-erotic asphyxiation. Blaze is ready to drop his contractually obliged one-line-a-year, folks, let’s sit back and enjoy.” –Black Drazon

And your runners up! So funny!

“Geez, Cherry, you’re supposed to spray that stuff on the spiders, not sniff it yourself. Oh well, she looks like she’s plenty wired now. Mark will have even more trouble than usual fending off her physical advances.” –Digger

Spider-Man: “‘He’s just pretending to be asleep!’ Say what you want about Peter but he’s the expert on actual versus pretend sleeping. He’s also pretty good on head injuries.” –Chip Whittle

“‘Now here’s one by Woody Guthrie, about the plight of…’ is not a sentence I would ever stick around for the end of in real life, so kudos to Gil Thorp for realizing that I wouldn’t in a comic strip, either.” –Doctor Handsome

“Trying to sell milk to cows sounds less like a con artist and more like a man unable to formulate a workable business strategy.” –Dave

“Look, son! I get Men’s Workout right here on my electronic reading device! It’s like a crisp, new copy every time.” –Comcis Fan

“And what about the bright red cashmere sweater? We are sadly aware that the days of doctors dressing like professionals is over, but Dr. Cory’s aggressively blatant leisurewear rather sends the message that he really doesn’t have any interest whatsoever in his patients. One could say the same for Dr. Cory the Younger’s Spanx® t-shirt.” –Fashion Police

“I like watching Dr. Drew between panel one and two here. ‘Liza’ is checking him out in panel two, while Dr. Drew examines the medical chart of the orange suited man he just cheerily waved goodbye to, his grim expression clearly reading as ‘Oh shit, I probably shouldn’t have said “see you later” to that guy. Ha ha! I’m a terrible doctor.'” –Tophat

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/1/11

Ha ha, let’s all laugh at some privileged, sheltered high school student passing out after she had her nose rubbed in the grim reality of future life in Funkyworld. She was probably taken off guard because the promised horror was economic in nature rather than medical. I take issue with her teacher’s unqualified statement about these doomed post-Millennials or Gen Z-ers or whatever we’re calling them being “the first generation” to suffer an economic decline: I think Americans who came of age in, say, the 1930s might have something to say about that, or their grandparents who went through the now largely forgotten dramatic boom-bust cycles of economic panics that marked the second half of the 19th century. And then there are all the generations in earlier eras of history, who lived through actual civilizations collapsing completely! But, to be fair, if any more explanatory dialogue, like the phrase “since World War II,” had been added to that enormous word balloon in the second panel, there wouldn’t be any room for the drawings.

Momma, 4/1/11

Momma, don’t you read Funky Winkerbean? Francis is unemployed, unkempt, and sleeping in a pile of his own filth — this is the new mainstream of American life!

Mary Worth, 4/1/11

If you thought that the “Dawn is a desperate Internet junkie” plot was unrealistic, wait until we get into the “Dr. Drew is irresistible to women!” plot. The Dawn plot did end rather abruptly (by this strip’s standards — why, the static, boring rehash of how her problem was solved took less than a week!) and so I have to imagine that these two narrative strands will ultimately come together, hopefully in a manner that will once again result in Dawn smacking the crap out of the libidinous younger Corey.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/1/11

Our storyline’s villains, Flattop and the Mustache, are attempting to take an easily influenced Dex under their wing and reap his rightful share of the lottery winnings. Unfortunately for them, they don’t understand just how easily influenced he is. At the moment when he’s most in need of guidance, his eyes will settle on the waitress’s “Ask me about our pie” button and, like a baby duck imprinting on its mother, will decide that she has all the answers — about pie, and everything else. She’ll end up representing him in court, and her closing arguments will entirely consist of a description of the available desserts. The jury will award Dex the entire amount of the winnings, plus millions in damages, plus, just for good measure, free pie for life.