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Mary Worth, 12/24/10

“I know! I’ll warn her that marriage is a scam and that Scott will betray her! And if she doesn’t believe me, I’ll just punch him in the face! It’ll be all like, ‘Merry Christmas’ — KAPOW!”

Folks, by the time you read these words, I’ll be off my on multi-city Christmas journey! I’ll be back with 2011 comics by January 3, but until then, enjoy your last comment of the week of 2010!

“Apartment 3-G! The daily soap opera comic strip about three independent young single women, living on the town in New York! In tonight’s episode: the best and only Christmas party they could get invited to was thrown by one of their aunts. 8 p.m.!” –Black Drazon

And the very funny runners up!

“Obviously the Keane kids are taught a different version of Christmas carols, emphasizing the terrible fate that awaits the blashphemers who secularize the day of Our Lord’s birth.” –Truckasaurus

“Jill sure does look ‘high on a cloud’ in panel one. ‘A cloud’ is slang for ‘a fuck-ton of MDMA,’ right?” –Doctor Handsome

“Ah, those carefree days back at Califugly Brutalist Architecture U.” –Edgy DC

“Clearly we have all been too hard on Jill, for our own depraved amusement. Even at a glance one can tell Jordan was her soul mate. ‘Let’s get a jug of wine this big, then go home and have sex.’ he says. ‘No!’ Jill replies with a rapturous gaze, ‘Let’s get a jug of wine THIS big!'” –DaveyK

“OH MY GOD, this explains why nobody at Camp Swampy ever sees combat! Otto has an ‘in’ with defense contractors!” –Dan

“The pies are trophies in Mary’s lair. ‘One pie for each ruined life! Bwah ah ah ah!'” –Another Kiwi

“By the way, how about that fucking Mary Worth? Can nobody from Santa Fucking Royale even summon up a black person from memory to stick in a flashback crowd shot?” –Edgy DC

“Whatever happens, I’m sure June will icily disapprove of something.” –BERTMARCH, on the current Rex Morgan, M.D., storyline

“I wish I had Lex Luthor at power forward as well.” –Bud

“I thought my husband had magically arranged the ultimate birthday surprise — no more Les! Disappointed, again. I hold out hope that the Wally & Rachel murder-suicide story line will wrap up in time for Mother’s Day.” –Lisa

“Wow, Tommie got hot! Now pass me that cup of bleach. I neither wish nor deserve to go on with this paltry existence.” –TruthOfAngels

“So who all exactly is going to be in attendance at this little soiree of Iris’? The girls from 3-G; Trey the bicycling architect, who raises the intriguing paradox of how someone could be simultaneously that weird and that boring; Prissy the cat; and, if we’re really lucky, Ari Papagoras might swing by for a drink. This shit’s going to make Charterstone look like Studio 54.” –Violet

“So Spidey feels that his actions are constrained by matters of extradition law, but not by such niceties as common decency? Sounds about right.” –Nekrotzar

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Mark Trail, 12/23/10

Mark Trail’s superhuman power of punching is often remarked on in this blog, but what about his other, less violent talents? For instance, I feel strongly that we don’t lavish enough attention on his amazing bellowing ability. In panel two, for instance, we can see that he can achieve extreme levels of bolding and large font size without even opening his mouth.

Meanwhile, in panel three, I fear that Kelly is going to become an cautionary example in an imminent lesson on boating safely, possibly in combination with an abrupt and vicious seagull attack.

Lockhorns, 12/23/10

Loretta has reason to be angry at Leroy’s constant belittling of her cooking, but to be fair to him, it is kind of weird that she’s only brought out one portion of her blood-red chili. Presumably it’s been poisoned, and she’s going to force him to eat it so that she’s finally rid of him; Leroy will acquiesce, out of spite, but not before he gets in a few last punny, dead-eyed witticisms at her expense.

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Spider-Man, 12/22/10

Oh, say, what’s going on in the unlikely romance between Aunt May and the Mole Man? Well, Spider-Man’s been trying to break it up, because he’s a sullen dick, but he also hasn’t been using any kind of interesting superpowers to do so, because he’s an incompetent feeb. After coming to the conclusion earlier this week that the Mole Man couldn’t be brought to justice for his New York City rampage because there’s no extradition treaty between the United States and Subterranea (no, really), Spider-Man is apparently trying this desperate gambit, apparently assuming that his aunt is old-fashioned enough to refuse to cohabitate with this freakish mutant without a marriage license and a church wedding.

Now, the legal argument here is patently spurious — as the unquestioned king of this gloomy underground realm, the Mole Man can presumably delegate the authority to solemnize marriages to whichever of his horrifying minions he chooses — but I do think Spidey’s smart to bring up the religious angle. Aunt May is, I imagine, a good churchgoer — Episcopalian, I’m guessing — whereas the Mole Man is the supreme God-emperor of a sunless cave kingdom of shuffling, sightless monsters. There are bound to be some value conflicts there, and they need to discuss that openly if their relationship is going to last.

Wizard of Id, 12/22/10

“C’mon,” they said. “Let’s do a Christmas-themed prison rape joke involving spiders,” they said. “It’ll be ‘edgy,'” they said. “It’s not like anybody reads the newspaper anymore, anyway,” they said.