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Mark Trail, 12/1/10

GOOD MORNING AMERICA! When you got out of bed today, was your mind prepared for the prospect of seeing Mark Trail easing himself erotically out of his shirt, offering a glimpse of disturbingly smooth and featureless pink flesh behind the khaki? Were you prepared for the word balloon emerging sexily from behind that shower curtain — prepared for the unsettling feelings you’d get, knowing that the pointless, awkward sentence was being spoken by a fully nude Mark Trail? Were you prepared for the porn-ready circumstances of panel three, in which Kelly Welly prepares to “accidentally” stumble upon Mark naked and glistening with shower-dew? Were you ready for December 1, 2010, aka the most sexually charged day in history?

Mary Worth, 12/1/10

In contrast with that raw sensuality, the goings-on in Mary Worth just seem tawdry and gross. Actually, check that, they’d be tawdry and gross under any circumstances. Poor Dr. Jeff is attempting to keep a cheery expression on his face as he summons all his strength to remove Jill’s grabby hands from the erogenous zones at the back of his neck. He’s hoping that this doesn’t turn into a scene, but it might be too late: that lady in pink in the background of panel two has already swiveled her head around 180 degrees to check out the drunk-bridesmaid-on-father-of-the-bride action.

Archie, 12/1/10

It’s not clear what industry, if any, sustains Riverdale’s economy. I generally believe that the whole town is the personal fiefdom of the Lodge family, and thus it makes sense that, as panel one indicates, Mr. Lodge’s continued solvency is front-page news.

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Curtis, 11/30/10

Though we may mock Curtis for the eternal clockwork-like return of its eight or so plots, in truth there is more than a little comfort that can be derived from this nonthreatening reliability; in this sense, the strip serves as a stand-in for the the newspaper comics section as a whole. So it’s a bit discombobulating when a new character is introduced, and even more so when an old character shows up in different circumstances. All Curtis trufans know that Derrick is always accompanied by his bullying partner “Onion,” and that when Curtis spots them, his thought balloon inevitably reads, “Oh no! Derrick and ‘Onion’!” But today we see that Derrick has put away childish things like friendship and has now entered the grown-up world of romance. And while it’s nice to see that he’s met someone who shares his core interests and horse-like laugh, it’s a little sad imagining “Onion” sitting somewhere with his hood cinched tightly around his face, bitter tears of abandonment running down his comically oversized nose.

Mary Worth, 11/30/10

Oh, God, this week is going to be all I hoped for and more, as a drunken, predatory Jill decides that she’s going to forcibly dance with any man who comes within arm’s reach. All reactions in soap opera strips are of course ludicrously overplayed, but I’m not sure why exactly Jeff’s face in panel two is framed by a nimbus of sheer panic. “Oh my God, Mary’s going to see me touching another woman! She’ll never agree to marry me now!”

Shoe, 11/30/10

I’m not sure what’s worse: the suggestion that the Perfesser’s car might have sexual needs, or the downright lascivious look the mechanic is sporting as he relays this fact. “Bet you never knew that cars had sex, did you? I’ve got some instructional videos on the subject around here … why don’t we watch them, and what happens, happens?”

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Crankshaft, 11/29/10

You know, it seems the holiday season lurches into action earlier and earlier every year. For instance, somebody’s dearest Christmas wish — to see Crankshaft in his underwear — has already arrived, and it isn’t even December yet! Merry Christmas to you, you desperate pervert!

Mary Worth, 11/29/10

Meanwhile, it seems that Adrian has already given herself a Christmas present — the massive dose of high-grade Ecstasy necessary for her to become Mrs. Scott Hewlett without first becoming catatonic with anxiety and self-loathing. She seems to have perhaps overdone it a bit, however, as in panel two she appears to actually be floating several feet off the ground.

Mary Worth plots are generally linear to a fault, so I offer kudos to the strip for jumping over the rest of the wedding preparation and getting right to the rehearsal dinner, before Mary even gets a chance to meddle Jill into submission. I am assuming that Jill is the Amazonian gal in panel one, listing wildly to her right and demanding more booze, all the better to lay the groundwork for a drunken tirade that will prevent anyone but Jill from enjoying themselves tonight. This week may be awesomer than any pool party!

Shoe, 11/29/10

“Ha ha, just kidding, you know I love a good pun! Seriously, though, we see the same prostitutes.”