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Beetle Bailey, 12/16/10

Good lord, this strip has presented few more nightmarish visions than today’s panel two (and this is a strip that earlier this week featured a disinterested Sarge feeding a bed full of blood-sucking parasites). I guess the point is that the soldiers have been eating so much pork that they’re pretending to turn into pigs (proving that Beetle Bailey is written for and possibly by eight-year-olds), but there’s something about the way they’re all throwing their heads back and closing their eyes making animalistic noises that implies to me an insular group that’s gone off the rails in a deeply creepy way. To avoid “cannibalism,” these self-proclaimed pigs will now spurn the smallish ham and fall upon their cook, tearing him limb from limb and consuming his flesh, oinking all the while.

The Jumble, 12/16/10

The Jumble is definitely one of those strips that I wish I could see as a larger-format image sometimes. Today, for instance, I am fascinated by the three hairs that constitute this horse racing guru’s combover. Rather than flopping greasily over his pate Wilbur Weston style, they hover over his head as if repulsed from his skin by a static charge, presumably barely being held in at the roots.

Mark Trail, 12/16/10

So here’s our villain Ben Smith, and, um, wow. In any visual storytelling medium, we’re supposed to get a read on a character via their appearance, but I have no idea what message the combination of bald, shaggy, mustache, cravat, open-collar dress shirt, and lime green v-neck sweater is supposed to signify. Is it supposed to be “gay” by way of “fussy fashionista”? Under normal circumstances of course one would not associate this outfit with “fashion” in any sense, but then again this is a strip in which Mark just throws an enormous brown jacket over his khaki jumpsuit and calls it “dressing up.”

Spider-Man, 12/16/10

Well, now that I see Spider-Man is planning on punching a dazed, unresisting Mole Man in the face, I guess I should apologize for calling him a coward.

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Mary Worth, 12/15/10

It’s obviously a delight to see Jill sitting on the curb, idly sucking on a wine bottle and wearing what might be called “fuck-me boots” if they weren’t the same hideous shade of purple as her dress. And it’s all good fun to hear her loudly proclaim that she belongs in the gutter. But still, this strip is tinged in melancholy for me, because it clearly represents the first stage in the de-awesomeing of Jill at Mary’s hands. We already know the answer to the core question here — we know that Jill will have her faith in state-sanctioned heterosexual monogamy forcibly restored, and she’ll also swear off booze forever — and now the only suspense remaining is to see if Mary can meddle her back to righteousness in time for Adrian’s wedding tomorrow. If a smiling, bright-eyed Jill catches the bouquet — and the eye of a handsome groomsman — do not be surprised. Be saddened, but not surprised.

Crankshaft, 12/15/10

Oh, look, the supporting cast of Crankshaft is talking about Crankshaft’s genitals, or his prostate, or possibly his lower GI tract! I’m glad to see that this conversation brings sly smiles to everyone’s face, rather than causing them to die inside as one might expect.

Marmaduke, 12/15/10

Actually, now that Marmaduke has killed and eaten Santa, the holiday season has ended rather abruptly.

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Apartment 3-G, 12/14/10

You might find it hard to believe that Lu Ann is sending out radar waves of pure pleasure at the prospect of a quick trip via PATH train to Hoboken, New Jersey, and may think that that she’s just enjoying the music of the pretty man’s voice without bothering to strain her thinking muscle in an attempt to figure out what his beautiful syllables mean. But remember, this is the girl who practically swallowed her tongue in joy at the prospect of a trip to South Dakota, so clearly she’s easy to please, destination-wise.

Beetle Bailey, 12/14/10

You probably viewed this comic with mild disgust at its content, combined with a certain amount of contempt for its portrayal of bedbugs as large enough to be visible. And of course it’s ludicrous that Sarge would be feeding them cereal, since bedbugs subsist on one and only one thing: blood. Which means that Sarge probably isn’t feeding them cereal at all, and is in fact holding a big bowl of scabs. Oh, did your disgust just get a lot less mild?

Mary Worth, 12/14/10

“You and Scott are meant to be together! You’re right to be sure! And sure to be right! You don’t mind if I hover mere inches away from you and talk to you while you attempt to share an intimate moment at a stressful time, do you? Of course you don’t!”

Zits, 12/14/10

Ha ha, Jeremy’s room smells like a dog pooped in it!