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Funky Winkerbean, 9/13/10

Oh, Cayla, this is just getting pathetic, now. Do you think that this new hairstyle will win Les’s heart back from Susan? I mean, have you seen her hair? Les doesn’t prefer Susan to you because she’s young and hip and sexy. He prefers her because she’s a dead-eyed emotional wreck who loves death. You can’t get that from any salon!

Mary Worth, 9/13/10

Speaking of misguided optimism, check out how excited Dr. Mike looks in panel two! He clearly believes that the way to a woman’s heart is through a heartfelt story about how he’s relationship-shy because his father spent decades as a drunken failed vigilante. Perhaps he thinks that he’ll seal the deal by casually suggesting that they have sex in the very bed where his dear old dad finally “found peace.”

Gil Thorp, 9/13/10

What’s really sad is when you see a couple who’ve lost that spark and are really just going through the motions. Gil used to really put his heart into it when he made up contentless answers to Marty Moon’s bullshit questions. Now they’re not even making eye contact!

Also, is it really traditional to put decisions on high school sports captains to a popular vote? That seems like a good way to end up with teams captained by Justin Beiber and Jesus.

Luann, 9/13/10

This is what’s known in the business as “fan service.” Specifically, it’s providing a service to those fans with a keen interest in Brad/Dirk scat-themed slash fiction. They make up a small but intensely loyal group, and it’s nice to see them finally get a shout-out.

Shoe, 9/13/10

I’m on the record as finding the “Shoe birds desperately flirt in a smoky bar” strips crushingly depressing. Today’s installment, in which a depressive is romanced by someone with a presumably domestic-violence-themed restraining order against him, nicely demonstrates why.

Jumble, 9/13/10

Alas, it appears that the Man isn’t ready for Jumble Jeff’s guerilla art installation. But Jeff, why isn’t your “street tag” LUJBEM FEJF, as it is on this blog? Are you afraid that hoodlum graffiti aficionados can’t handle anagrams? You do them a disservice, sir. Jumbles are for everybody!

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Slylock Fox, 9/12/10

We’ve all wondered exactly how the justice system in Slylock-world works, what with the same criminals being repeatedly captured but then turned loose on the streets to perpetrate annoyingly overcomplex scams again. Today we see the consequences of a society judged by soft-on-crime owls. An injured Slylock meekly offers some sad little animal facts to try to put his assailant away, while the the grinning Brick Bull and his sleazy rat-lawyer know that he’ll be out on the street randomly goring more innocent passersby before you know it.

Judge Parker, 9/12/10

So Neddy has spent most of this week making a last tearful and moderately smoochy goodbye to her first love, Mark. And what has current boyfriend been doing while all this goes on? Why, just putting the finishing touches on his scheme to scam $3 million from the rich and gullible Sam Driver. Hopefully Ned will respect him now, for his initiative!

Apartment 3-G, 9/12/10

Wow, so all this time I’ve been assuming that Lu Ann’s miscolored “rich brown curls” were a result of problems at the syndicate colorists, but the comics artists tend to be more in charge of coloring on Sundays so, uh, yeah. Is “rich brown” a new code-phrase for “red” these days, to combat anti-ginger prejudice? Or is this whole “reality show” just being put on by the inmates of an insane asylum, like the play-within-the-play in Marat/Sade?

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Mark Trail, 9/11/10

Have you ever had a moment when something you’ve looked at every day, for years, suddenly reconfigures, and your entire worldview shatters and reforms with searing clarity? Well, that’s what happened when I read this Mark Trail, which reveals that “Mark,” “Cherry,” and “Rusty” are actually three adorably frolicking horses — horses that like to imagine what it would be like to be human. Everything is explained: the unnatural dialogue (based on the deliberately child-like and stilted speech that humans use when they talk to animals), the freakish morphing forms (can we really expect interspecies facial recognition to go off without a hitch?), the fact that human society as depicted has less and less basis in reality the further we get from Lost Forest. It’s sort of heartbreaking that the weirdly malformed humans we’ve spent so much time with are actually these beautiful galloping animals. Too bad Frank is going to lure them into his hunting pen and let his political buddies shoot them for sport.

Apartment 3-G, 9/11/10

Do you think that comics colorists simply have too much pride to admit when they make a mistake? I mean, technically there was no indication when Lu Ann appeared on Thursday what color her hair was supposed to be, so red was as good a guess as any. But now that we learn that Lu Ann’s hair is supposed to be a “rich brown,” and our colorists are refusing to take the hint. “No, damn you! The Lu Ann of my masturbatory fantasies is a redhead, and a redhead she will remain!”

Gil Thorp, 9/11/10

Ha ha, look at how happy Gil and Kaz look! It’s because they’ve once again found someone who, as a result of some gaping emotional wound, is willing to do their jobs for them. And before the first game is even played, too!

Luann, 9/11/10

After Dirk strangles the DeGroots, the strip’s narrative will (literally) violently change directions, as it gets renamed The Talented Mr. Dirk and follows its new title character’s unseemly adventures.

Ballard Street, 9/11/10

I only discuss Ballard Street here when its “insane lunatics doing baffling things” schtick crosses over from “bonkers” to “unsettling,” and I think today’s panel, which features a sour-faced old woman engaging in harrowing self-harm, more than qualifies.