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I have a pet theory that newspaper comic strip characters are dimly aware of who and what they are, and more than a little embarrassed about it. Sometimes they just flat-out admit it:

Rrrhymes with Orrrange, 9/19/10

Frankly lady, with the fashion choices, urban landscapes, and body styles on display here I wouldn’t go hatin’ on the tag.

Other strips are up front about wanting to be something — dear God anything — else:

Funky Winkerrrbean, 9/19/10

This is one of those unsettling Sunday insertions of Funky Winkerbean characters into the comic-book settings the artist would plainly rather draw. Other than Mr. Potato Head® in the big collar there, it’s a nice rendition of D.C. Comics’ Deadman volume 1 number 7 cover from November 1985. Of course, Deadman was happy about his resurrection, but then he didn’t have to go back to Westview.

You can ignore the prattle at the lower right: just another catalog of the characters’ ailments. But hey, “dead man’s singles” isn’t a real thing, so what’s it doing there in the punchline? I’m guessing it was dialed back from “sudden death” — and if I’m right, we’ve just seen something judged too bleak even for Funky Winkerbean. Cormac McCarthy, the field is yours alone!

But for real nightmare fuel, imagine coming back to life as newspaper Spider-Man:

Spiderrr-Man (panels), 9/19/10

Spidey, self-awareness is not a path you want to go down. Trust me on this one.

Avast, me hearties — happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day from the Comics Currrmudgeon!

— Cap’n Lumpy

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Beetle Bailey, 9/18/10

This is a joke. I don’t mean that in a sarcastic way; I mean it’s got a setup that establishes our expectations, and a punchline and visual that gently subvert them. Sure, it’s Beetle Bailey and it’s about golf, but it’s professionally executed and there’s no denying it’s a joke. That, and we get to look at General Halftrack’s sweet pimp hat. Nice.

Crankshaft, 9/18/10

This, on the other hand, is Crankshaft. It starts out like a joke, with one of those trademark paid-by-the-word Crankshaft “setups” busting a bowel in panel 1 — maybe bricks are hard to draw? But there’s no twist, no surprise, no little epiphany at the end — just confirmation that Crankshaft’s bitter hostility is no match for his selfishness. And the same damn hat as always.

The Phantom, 9/18/10 (panels)

The Phantom, 7/29/10

Up top, the Phantom shows up dressed like a thug in the the middle of the night to interrogate the homeowner whose phone Diana used to call New York back in July, as we see down below. The terrified Rhodian reports that no way was he shooting at any white woman, and anyway he only used his little BLAM gun, not that great big BOOM one, no sir!

Mary Worth, 9/18/10

Four days listening to Hunky Doc Mike drone on about his dead absentee alcoholic vigilante failure Dad and poor Jenna’s itching to wrap up this “closure” claptrap and get down with some hott “moving on” action! Let’s listen in:

Mike: “I saw a man who wanted justice, and became obsessed with getting it.”
Jenna: “It seems knowing his reasons and weaknesses helped you forgive him. Do you want to take a walk?”

Mike: “He gave me life, but I never really knew him.”
Jenna: “You came through when it mattered! My place or yours? I think I might have a little wine left!”

Mike: “When he reached out to me, I saw what I had missed all those years!”
Jenna: “You helped him find peace! “It’s just down the street, and I’ve got a trapeze!”

Mike: “There was so little time, and so much I needed to say to him.”
Jenna: “You did what you could! Hey, maybe there’s some special thing you’ve always wanted to try but were too embarrassed to ask a girl ….”

Mike: “He taught me the lessons of his life, but died before I could thank him!”
Jenna: “Oh crap, Mary and Jeff just walked in — listen, just do me in the john, OK?”

Hey everybody, I’m sitting in while Josh is on vacation. Use bio@jfruh.com to contact me about any trouble with the site, spam, comment issues, etc. Thanks!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Uh oh, COTWs are here on Friday … which as you might guess means that I’m about to leave on vacation. The inimitable Uncle Lumpy will be in charge until the 27th. Until then, enjoy this fine COTW, won’t you?

“You know what would make this Shoe great? Context. Imagine if ‘My dog never comes comes when I call’ had been the first and only thing the anonymous bird lady had said after 10 agonizing minutes of uncomfortable silence. Imagine further that Shoe’s witty retort is followed by 10 more minutes of silence. Shoe is a (potentially) great comic. It just needs waaaaayyyy more panels.” –Joe Blevins

And these fine runners up!

“Of course the doctor is confident! Their love is ordained by Mary Worth! When Mary commands loving, it happens.” –AndyL

“I like how Dr. Mike is still writing his case notes while ‘listening’ to Jenna. ‘Patient X seems to be exhibiting signs of delusions of dead vigilante dad, lunch with Jenna.'” –Bill Murray

“Just how do you fight a circle saw? Unplug it?” –Dood

“Jeff Karoub would fight a circular saw for you. Too bad the other area coaches show no imagination at all, and will probably resort to the same outworn trope of the ‘300-pound defensive lineman.'” –boojum

“If only we could hear the great hip sound of Modern English’s ‘I Melt with You’ emanating from those wicked speakers as Gil initiates his chin’s nightly dissolve into Mimi’s eyebrows. One of these mornings, they’re not going to reconstitute correctly, and then we’ll see what Marty Moon has to say about that.” –Bret

“Not many people know that ‘Mary Worth’ is a title as well, although it differs a bit in that the Phantom is a hereditary title, whereas Mary Worth is more of a golden bough thing, where a new Mary slays the old Mary and wears her skin.” –Wally Wyrd

“I can’t draw one more strip with Ziggy staring out at us from the blank nothingness! There’s got to be more in life!! I’ll … draw a background character. Ooh, and I’ll give him a little hat! Okay, I feel better.” –Maggie

“I’d like to know what sort of restaurants the Mary Worth writers and artists frequent to serve as their inspiration for ‘Menu’, partly because it’d be fun to witness such ridiculous decor and insane diner interaction firsthand, but mostly because I want to know where I can get a giant basket of McDonald’s hash browns past 10:30am.” –Cooler King

“Jenna should explain to Mike that comestibles enter the stomach by being eaten and swallowed, not by being forced through the abdominal wall.” –Nekrotzar

“If you follow Jenna’s line of sight, she’s gazing with the adoration of the newly in love at the basket of taupe oblong food-things. Tomorrow, she’ll raise her trembling, soft, delicate hand and run a finger-colored nail along the various crags and ridges, murmuring, ‘I’ve waited so long….. You’re so beige, so very crusty…. Crumble in my mouth, my precious….'” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

See you in a week or so! Be kind to your favorite uncle!