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Gil Thorp, 1/28/10

Most hilarious image in today’s comics: Steve Luhm’s sweatshirt, tied around his waist and twirling about madly, making him look like he’s wearing a tutu in panel two. Almost as funny: him following up his Sherlock Holmes-style sussing out of Cassie’s lack of growth with some dribbling advice. Shouldn’t she be really good at dribbling, since she’s been the same distance from the ground for the past few years? Also, shouldn’t her actual paid coach have noticed that her dribbling was terrible?

Judge Parker, 1/28/10

Also a hilarious image: Sam reacts to the information that Neddy has decided to move in with her boyfriend — no, wait, I’m sorry, has taken a “live-in lover,” which sounds much hotter — by performing an angry interpretive dance, in which he channels an enraged chicken of paternal vengeance. You can see in panel two that he’s strained his neck in the process, but the important thing is that he’s made his point.

Pluggers, 1/28/10

I was going to make a joke about how pluggers are so old that plugger hypochondriacs think they’re dying of archaic diseases. But then I did a bit of research (NOT ON WEBMD I AM NO PLUGGER) and found out that today, most beriberi cases occur in alcoholics whose drink-ravaged bodies can no longer properly absorb Vitamin B1. Thus, I’m going to go with “Pluggers are all terrible boozer degenerates” instead.

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Apartment 3-G, 1/27/10

Poor Tommie! No human in the history of time has ever asked her to actually repeat one of her boring, forgettable actions; therefore she has no choice but to assume that Blaze is propositioning her with a request for some perverse French sex act.

Spider-Man, 1/27/10

Ha ha, it sure looks like MJ was looking forward to hanging around Miami in her industrial-grade unmentionables without her dopey husband stupiding things up, am I right? Presumably she fears that his sparkling wit (“See, the theater you’re performing in isn’t on Broadway, which is a street in Manhattan … so you might say you’re … wait for it …”) will alienate all of her theater buddies, while trips to the beach will only result in passersby recoiling in disgust from his freakishly oversized arms and nippleless torso.

Crankshaft, 1/27/10

Wow, Montoni’s must be in a more precarious position than I thought if its hated rival is a counter at the mall’s food court where the employees are forced to wear comical faux-ethnic garb. Still, it’s nice to see that Pam likes to spend time with her dad when he’s indulging in one of his favorite hobbies — insulting strangers — and that she still has visceral personal shame-spiral reactions when he lets loose with his unfocused misanthropy.

Mary Worth, 1/27/10

Whoah, it looks like today is one of the three designated days per year when someone in Mary Worth talks sense! Wilbur’s reaction implies to me that he doesn’t entirely understand how the proposed process works. “Kurt, I went to my doctor and I tested positive for paternity. Maybe you should get tested as well! You can never be too sure!”

Crock, 1/27/10

Hey, kids, remember “boom boxes”? They were like iPods, in the ’80s! As near as I can remember, they were covered with brown flesh and sparse hair and were physically attached to their owners, which explains Otis’s mistake.

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Spider-Man, 1/26/10

Congratulations, Spider-Man! You have produced the most gratuitous and pointless instance of a lady taking her shirt off in the comics in the long history of that particular art form. “You’ll have to do it in Miami, where women are required by law to walk around in their bras! Remember, Miami is America’s Capital of Tits!”

Blondie, 1/26/10

“Oh, yeah, I forgot! It was easy for me to forget, seeing as the late ’80s were over 20 years ago and all.”