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Mark Trail, 1/19/10

Since we last checked in with Mark Trail, we’ve learned that the contours of 2010’s first storyline will involve disputes over land use and land preservation and a sinister, charismatic Senator and a restaurant that serves wild game and … uh … that’s about all I can tell you. I’d like to say that you should go back and read the archives to connect those dots, but I don’t think you’ll be able to make much more sense out of it than I have, because it’s pretty incoherent. My guess is that the Mark Trail brain trust was ordered by the syndicate to tap into prevailing anti-politician sentiment by making the next villain an elected official, but since nobody involved in creating the strip understands politics outside the context of “forest law,” by necessity that part didn’t make much sense.

Anyway, now the strip is on much firmer narrative ground: rustic ruffians who want to interfere with good-hearted folks’ enjoyment of nature! “I thought we warned you to stay out of this end of the lake! We’re the Parker Brothers … do you think we’re playing a game with you?” Ha ha, get it, because … Parker Brothers … erm. Anyway, the main question now is whether these two outboard-motoring thugs will be punched separately or in a single mighty blow.

Judge Parker, 1/19/10

I haven’t been covering Judge Parker here either, but its action has been much easier to follow. Rocky and Godiva are having marital problems, so Sam convinced Rocky to stay by describing how financially ruinous their divorce would be! Sam and Abby are all smiles while discussing this, because their sexless sham marriage works out so well for them that they can’t see why others wouldn’t enjoy one as well.

Apartment 3-G, 1/19/10

“You seemed quite comfortable” is obviously newspaper-comics-we-can’t-show-it code for “your penis seemed quite comfortable … in my vagina,” which is unsettling because (a) Bobbie and the Professor have remained fully clothed and (b) there’s no furniture in this apartment, which means they must have done it up against one of Bobbie’s beloved radiators. Just in case this pills-for-sex deal wasn’t tawdry enough for you! I hate to keep bringing the pills back up, but honestly, there’s no explanation other than powerful prescription tranquilizers for the disconnect between Bobbie’s sharpening tone and her blissed out expression in the second panel.

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Your COTW coming in a moment, but first a public service announcement. It has probably been a while since I pointed you in the direction of this site’s posting and discussion policies! They are worth a read but one violation that I have noted a slight uptick in lately is people doing the thing where they see that nobody has commented on a post and they post “First post!” or something along those lines. This is annoying to me and other people and if I see such a post I will erase it from the page of time. You don’t want to annoy me, do you? Do you? I didn’t think so. So please refrain, won’t you?

Anyhoo, here is your COMMENT OF THE WEEK:

“Skating? Blow my own horn? Greg Louganis? Is Curtis coming out or is Tobias Fünke writing his dialogue?” –skullcrusherjones

And your runners-up! Also funny!

“Wow, Greg Louganis is a bit of a dated reference, isn’t it. Maybe Curtis banged his head on a concrete platform and blacked out for 20 years.” –Will

“Why does Spider-Man need to know the spelling of Sabretooth, anyway? Is he compiling his Christmas card list?” –Patrick

“Who’s the black Greg Louganis that’s a sex machine to all the chicks? CURTIS! You’re DAMN right!” –Ned Ryerson

“The next step in Steve’s master plan: ‘…and speaking of things that are big and salty…'” –Pozzo

“That’s actually Spidey’s fashion sense going off. It goes off A LOT.” –Roger

“School janitors make good money but coaches make more. Gil has a room 24/7 at the Milford Inn stocked with booze and Jonas Brothers CDs.” –mr 12 oz can

“So Kurt thinks that coming to Charterstone is going to assuage his uneasiness? Good luck with that, kid. No wonder Wilbur is trying to change the subject by introducing the most distracting question he can think of — ‘Do my numerous ongoing fantasies about what it would be like to have my ex-lover as my mother bear any relation to the actual reality?'” –Violet

“It seems to me that what Spidey’s been calling his ‘spider sense’ all this time is actually what the rest of us call ‘anxiety attacks.'” –JP (not Judge Parker)

“Meanwhile, Kurt’s stubble continues to grow, further alienating him from his waxy padre.” –perchingpath

“Funky’s hand-waving makes sense if you knew that Mopey Pete’s been eating burritos since the beginning of the year. But before he could disperse the fumes, Pete’s karma done peeled the vinyl off the stools.” –Lou Shumaker

“‘Kickin’ it with a burrito at the Toxic Taco’ is obviously a code word for male prostitution, the only career open for a failed comic writer.” –G. Bob

“Say what you will about capitalism, but this is definitely one of its perks. Money speaks louder than concern about whether or not people only appreciate your work ironically.” –Anonymous

“Hmmm, based on Kurt’s eyebrows, I am not sure he is a natural blonde. There is one way to find out, but since Kurt lost everything below the waist on the way to the docks I guess we’ll never know.” –Thomas B.

“I can’t say I understand what’s going on in Dick Tracy but the narrative is clear enough. In the 1/14 strip, for example, the Cambastani Embassy is about to hire an ‘American rock music’ band that has been together for almost two whole days because he wants ‘everything at its finest’. This booking will be based on a CD recorded, mastered, and produced yesterday and dropped off this morning at a talent agency named ‘Brozebra,’ presumably for DT artist Jim Brozman and the Zebra from Pearls Before Swine. So do I understand it? No, but that’s what’s happening.” –Ed Dravecky

MT: “Good afternoon our special, gentlemen, is FORESHADOWING with a light ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SUBTLE sauce. Would you care to try that with a bottle of Chateau d’Awkward Direct Address?” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Oh no! Wilbur has run afoul of the Triplets, a sinister trio of identical clones who pose as rich snobs but are indeed savage killing machines with horrible taste in clothing.” –Taquelli

“Wait, which Mary Worth character does blue-blazer rich kid look like? Oh, right, all of them.” –Evan

“The reason Grandma has that box out is that she’s sorting the pictures to decide which ones to burn for warmth.” –Kibo

“Ruby’s ribbons seem to be getting larger of late. Is she just snatching whatever pieces of fabric she can find and weaving them into her hair? Does this have something to do with Lyle? We need a Mark Trail Sunday special on her mating rituals.” –commodorejohn

“Is it possible that instead of having a relationship with a single woman, Wilbur was actually frequenting an Easter bonnet-themed brothel?” –Andy L

“I’ll tell you the worst that can happen: a Tommie-centric storyline! I’d muster up a scream but my terror is already bored.” –Rhekarid

“I like the way Mommy Keane happens to be standing next to the front door when Jeffy comes barreling in. One leg coyly askance. She’s carrying her … folded linens from the … hutch over to the … okay, I don’t know what she’s doing.” –Dentuck

“June’s always had a science-fiction-y look to her. She reminds me of the evil Kryptonian lady from Superman 2, possibly crossed with Jayna from The Wonder Twins. As panel 3 clearly demonstrates, her waistline could not possibly be achieved by an Earthling, and she doesn’t seem to understand our concept of what ‘breaking the fourth wall’ means, as evidenced by her attempt in panel 2 to push her face directly through the invisible screen which separates her from us.” –Joe Blevins

“I love June’s expression of horror in the last panel. ‘Just a moment, honey! Mommy needs to peel her face off and put on a new one!'” -Carly

“Wilbur and Kurt continue fishing, but only in the very loosest sense of the word, to the point that neither of them is even keeping up the charade in Panel 2. Wait, should a narration box acknowledge the existence of panels? Or itself? ERROR! ERROR! Bzzt!” –Steve S

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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Crock, 1/18/10

One of the interesting aspects of following a decades-old comic strip as it runs through its mildly lucrative paces is that you’ll start to notice all the visual and conceptual cruft that is kept in place for reasons nobody can really remember. For instance, once upon a time, a prominently cleft chin à la Cary Grant or Rock Hudson was sort of a stereotypical marker of an especially handsome man, so naturally comically attractive Crock character Captain Preppie was outfitted with one. His chin cleft has only grown more exaggerated with time, even as society’s appreciation for cleft chins has waned, and one wonders if the artists remember what exactly that is at the end of his chin or what it signifies. At least the anatomically alarming bulbs depicted in panels one and two today are somewhat within the bounds of comic-strip stylized chins; but the two growths dangling asymmetrically off the bottom of Preppie’s jaw in panel three … well, let’s just say that they don’t speak well of the Foreign Legion’s medical care, or of the aesthetic judgement of the local ladies, who are generally depicted as being unable to get enough of the captain’s tumor-ridden face.

B.C., 1/18/10

Of course, you always have the option of just ignoring long-running visual features of your strip. Look, Wiley’s other leg grew back!

Mary Worth, 1/18/10

Mary Worth does nothing better than shattering our expectations for excitement and fun, but I’ve been really disappointed by the lack of drama in this bastard-son storyline so far. So, Wilbur and Kurt reconnect via the Internets, and, after a little initial awkwardness, bond over fishing and … all is well? NOT HARDLY! Look at that crazed, murderous expression on Kurt’s face in the final panel as he describes his mother’s lovers coming and going out of their lives, if you know what I mean, and I think you do! In a transparent bit of Freudianism, Kurt never got over the jealousy he felt when confronted with his mother’s sexuality as a child, and now has decided to track down every man Abby ever slept with and kill them one by one. Better start waddling for your life now, Wilbur!