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OK, folks, this is something I’ve done every once in a while, but it’s been a while, so I might as well do it again! Have you ever read this site and thought to yourself, “The gentleman who writes this, he is clever and talented! I wonder if he would be willing to generate humorous material for my own enterprise, in exchange for money?” Well, the answer is: probably! Send me email at bio at jfruh dot com and I’m sure we can come to an equitable arrangement! (This note is going out to all readers but especially you kids at the Onion AV Club … yes, I have noticed your flirting with the very nice links; let’s talk, shall we?)

But perhaps you just read that previous paragraph and thought, “Oh, darn it, I have no budget for humorists! Worse still, I have this technical material that needs a good editing, and am eager to find someone to do so on a freelance basis!” Well, here too I am your man. Read my resume to see if we’ll be a good fit! (Hint: We will be.)

With that bit of self-promotion out of the way, I now have an item or two before we get all COTWy. First comes this pic, sent from faithful reader Doug, who notes that “Marmaduke has gone beyond middle America to ensnare hotel residents in York, England”:

I find it particularly funny that this used to be a four-star hotel but has since been demoted. Jeez, a few dozen guests get devoured in their beds and the ratings people really come down hard on you.

Also of potential interest is this collection of cartoon titles rendered as death metal logos, because why not. Thanks to faithful reader Black Dracula for the tip.

And now, your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Wolverine is going to watch a Broadway show instead of getting plastered in Hell’s Kitchen and clawing up some gang members. Note to Spider-Man writers: He’s not actually Hugh Jackman.” –150

And the hilarious runners-up!

“MW: The Rodgers and Hammerstein line makes sense if you note the sarcastic grin on Mary’s face plus the way she’s gesturing to the two slices of white bread.” –Peter Hillock

“Crankshaft’s All-American Burger Marinade: One package of Beano, mixed in a half-pint of the tears of frustration from family members who have to endure you. Add 1/2 cup of vinegar, a vat of bile, a quart of bitters, and a cup of sour milk. Stir well, then dump the whole thing all over everyone’s hopes for just one family holiday that isn’t ruined by your angry, soul-crushing hatefulness.” –Bob Loblaw

“What in the name of all that is holy is that thing clinging to the top of Martin Magee’s head? By no universally accepted definition could it even come close to being called ‘hair’. I suggested a wad of hot buttered yak wool, but perhaps a live weasel or a dead polecat is glued to his bald pate. Maybe his toupee is cut from a bathroom shag carpet, or faux fur, created from the upholstery of an abandoned ’79 Camero low rider. Whatever it is, I’m amazed Margo hasn’t pulled it off his head in a fit of pique and shame. The only ugly Margo tolerates is her own diva fits.” –Islamorada Girl

“Marvin should be used in sex ed classes across the US.” –Carly

“Somewhere exactly between 9 Chickweed Lane and Luann is a set of comic characters with a healthy sex life.” –Mibbitmaker

“Mary Worth for some reason is resorting to Brooklyn Italian Hand Signals. Her hand is clearly referring to the heft of Delilah’s husband’s testicles: ‘What about THIS? If all else fails, what about THIS?'” –Jimmy

“From lumpy schlub to Duran Duran member in three days. How does your ‘theory’ of evolution explain that, huh?” –Chyron HR

“I like to think of those three speech balloons in the last Mark Trail panel as three unrelated statements from three different people in three separate buildings, a snapshot of the mundane moment right before Squirrelmageddon descended.” –Steve S

“The past few days of MW have sent me to the Internets twice in a desperate effort to find a good descriptor for the dialogue. I haven’t succeeded. What I want is a pungent adjective that means ‘stilted and also insane.'” –Poteet

“Billy has obviously either invented an invisible chair, or he’s doing some sort of complicated glute exercise, either of which is more productive than carrying a newspaper around and gesturing vaguely.” –imjaredlookout

“‘Sorry if we insulted just your intelligence.’ Really? That’s it? Damn. I was hoping more for a Lynn Johnson-esque ‘And so, Ed was taken home to his maker by the M-80 — not immediately, of course, but after months of painful operations, skin grafts, and experimental treatments. Pam and Jeff continued to find unhappiness in every minuscule and trivial aspect of life; Max eventually took up smoking at the age of 63; Mindy realized her dream as a pole-dancing librarian during her sophomore year at Kent State. Thanks so much to my readers — it has been an honor to bring slow, unrelenting death and suffering to your breakfast table for the past years. Beginning next week, I will re-draw the entire strip from start to finish with updated suffering scenarios reflecting the current knowledge base of horrible, horrible diseases.'” –blammers66

“I can think of about 30 daily comics that should always end with the line, ‘Sorry if we just insulted your intelligence.'” –survivor

“With Wolverine’s enhanced senses he should be able to tell Spider-Man is really Peter Parker by his scent. That is, if Wolverine has ever met Peter. Maybe Spiderman is worried that Wolverine will pick up his scent on MJ. ‘Sniff, sniff. Say, that actress smells of TV Guide and anxiety! Maybe she’s married to Spider-Man!'” –The Great Kazoo

“Waitaminute — Nora was married to Tim, and now her new boyfriend is named Tom? Do Shulock and Bolle think that the fact that all the guys look alike isn’t confusing enough on its own?” –AirForbes

“Mrs. Wilson looks awfully sly there. If she just pinned the blame for her fecal incontinence on Dennis, my respect for her now reaches almost as high as my suicidal tendencies due to thinking of this.” –Dragon of Life

“As usual, we can feel sorriest for PJ; carrying a miniature American flag the day after July 4 suggests that he is turning to patriotism as a substitute for the love his bullying, violent family won’t give him. At least he’ll have a weapon with which to defend himself against the ant attacks.” –Jaime Weinman

“Peter Parker is obviously off his nut, asking for double the fee for his photos while J. Jonah Jameson and Robbie have to share a single chair.” –Patrick

“J. Jonah Jameson is totally getting ripped off — by the time those double-priced still photos appear in his old-time newsy-paper, a high-def video of the entire fight will have been running on TMZ for more than a day. (For that matter, Doctor Octopus was probably live-tweeting the whole thing with one of his free arms.)” –BigTed

“Woo, Gil Thorp on Twitter! Hold onto your hats, folks, ’cause the #sexting hash tag just got a whole lot less interesting.” –Rachel K

“I remember when I first read a soap opera strip and asked myself ‘What, are they taking out the interesting parts on purpose?’ And now, today, Judge Parker comes and says once and for all that ‘Yes. Yes we are.'” –Black Drazon

“Cherry is going to a PTA meeting? We all know that Rusty is an autodidact in the School of Dumb Choices and Duck Photography.’ –buckyswife

“I have to say I find it strange that Gil Thorp, the strip that never introduced a character too peripheral to have a first and last name, uniform number, on-field position, and batting average, opts to leave out all the nonessential consonants in the word ‘knock.’ I suppose they just ran out of room, what with Gil’s monstrous paws and all.” –Mollie

“What I deduced from today’s fashion faux pas is that Mary’s powers, like those of the Green Lantern, are driven by her willpower and are ineffective against the colour yellow.” –Jilliterate

Big thanks go to those who put some cash into my tip jar! And thanks must also go to my advertisers:

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Crock, 7/6/09

When you have a narrative form like a syndicated comic strip that runs on and on for decades, there are some interesting results. For instance, there may be features of your strip’s universe that made some sort of sense, or were at least explained, at the time of their introduction, but which have either slowly mutated with time or had all knowledge of their significance lost, and whose existence today is taken as a given by all concerned despite their baffling nature. Take, for instance, today’s Crock. Obviously the presence of tiny hotboxes just outside the Legion’s fort, in which prisoners condemned for some forgotten crime sit hunched over day after day for years, slowly going mad from the hot sun and the isolation, is easily parsed. But why exactly are the sides of these portable torture chambers marked with giant keyholes? Wouldn’t the key required to operate such a lock be over three feet long? Wouldn’t the mechanism for such a lock intrude onto the prisoner’s already miniscule living space? Is it perhaps not a real lock at all, but just some sort of symbol of the State’s ability to imprison on a whim, and indefinitely? Perhaps this reminds the cook of his complicity in the workings of this monstrous dictatorship, which would explain his otherwise baffling anger at having to walk approximately five feet outside to dump some greyish glop into the prisoner’s bowl.

Gil Thorp, 7/6/09

Oh, Gil, if you’re going to openly acknowledge what I asserted last week — that summertime is for wackiness in Gil Thorp — then you’d better be prepared to follow through on your promise, or you’ll just break my heart all the more. Gil having lunch with vintage clothing aficionado and former teen hobo Ted Pearse is a good start; having some kind of gangland shooting happen right outside the Thorps’ front door (involving Marty Moon? please?) is even better.

Mary Worth, 7/6/09

You know, every once in a while even Mary Worth can surprise me. For instance, yesterday I could have only thought of two possible outcomes to Mary’s weeks-long attempt to browbeat Delilah back into her loveless marriage: acquiescence or suicide. Never did I imagine that she had the strength of will to shrug off the onslaught, put on her sexiest/most insane halter top-yellow fishnets combo, and go cruising the Charterstone grounds for all her ex-boyfriends, determined to rip their stripey shirts off and have her way with them right there on the concrete (which is already cracking only a few years after it was poured, thanks to Mary’s insistence that they go with the lowest bidder). Mary looks like she’s having a stroke in the second panel, and why wouldn’t she: she’s discovered someone immune to her meddling powers! I’m surprised she isn’t just melting into a puddle.

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Family Circus, 7/5/09

Like all right-thinking Americans, I have often allowed myself to spend idle moments imagining the death of the Keane clan. However, I see now that most of the scenarios I’ve conjured up — terrorist attack, murder-suicide pact, what have you — have been sadly pedestrian. Never, for instance, have I visualized them being killed by giant mutant ants! If we use grinning, doomed Jeffy as a reference point, the monsters in the lowermost chambers have to be at least the size of a terrier. I’m sure all four of the children will make tasty treats for the Queen of this awful colony.

Judge Parker, 7/5/09

Dear creators of the syndicated comic strip Judge Parker:

If you were working on a sitcom, or other long-form narrative acted out by live performers, you might find yourself in a situation where you had written out storylines that your actors were physically unable to perform. For instance, you might have an episode in which your nerdy heroine wows her school with her heretofore unmentioned prowess at jumping, aerial spinning, and other talents necessary for successful cheerleading, only to discover that the young actress tasked with playing the role wasn’t up the challenges laid out in the script. In that case, it would be acceptable, though rather transparent, to have all the action take place off camera.

However, in the comic strip form, your characters have no such limitations, and thus your decision to not show us any of the triumphant cheerleading routine that this entire ludicrous storyline has been leading up to is deeply puzzling.

Sincerely,
The Comics Curmudgeon

P.S. On the other hand, it is enjoyable to interpret the dialogue in the first throwaway panel — “I didn’t know Sophie could do those things!” “Yeah … the cheerleader moms know they’re finished!” — as meaning that Sophie neutralized the cheerleader moms’ dozens of henchmen with her superhuman martial arts skills, and is now preparing to eliminate her chief adversaries once and for all.