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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/3/09

HEY EVERYONE JUNE MORGAN IS IN HER BIKINI! HOT! HUBBA HUBBA WOO HOO OK, look. Doubt my credentials as a heterosexual comic-loving man if you must, but I simply cannot get myself worked up over drawings of sexy ladies. I mean, sexy ladies are intriguing to me as a rule, but when it comes to cartoons, it’s hard for me to forget that someone, somewhere, generally a dude, was drawing said sexy lady, and usually thinking, “Hmm, I’ve seen sexy ladies in real life, but with the powers of my artistry, I can add even more sexiness!” Which in practice usually means “I can make her boobs even bigger!”

I don’t pretend to be consistent on this point. For instance, it’s well known that I have certain … feelings for Margo Magee. And Margo is nice enough to look at, but my feelings are primarily driven by the fact that she’s a hilarious, tightly-wound bag of angry crazy, which is the sort of thing I’ve been known to go for in the past. And while Margo’s wonderfully antisocial personality is as much a fictional construct as, say, Abbey Spencer’s ass crack, somehow it’s much harder for me to ignore the artifice involved in the construction of the latter.

And speaking of artifice … I’m not a professional breastologist or anything, but I’m pretty sure that one’s cleavage does not consist of two perfect and slightly separated semi-circles if one’s bosom is the one that God gave you. Having a surgically enhanced cartoon fantasy object strikes me as particularly bizarre and off-putting, to be sure, but what I really want to know is: whose work are we looking at here? Certainly not Rex’s; breast-enhancement surgery can take hours, and that’s much longer than he’d ever want to spend touching a girl’s boobies.

Blondie, 4/3/09

Blondie comments on the current economic crisis: the unemployed masses, their lives destroyed by the decisions of the powerful, weep openly in the street, just outside the fine restaurants where the captains of industry who got us into this mess dine on gourmet foods, served on china plates and fine tablecloths. The workers who are still employed sit by uncomfortably, afraid to protest at the injustice for fear of joining the starving hysterics in the gutter, wracked with shame over their collaboration in their own oppression.

Dennis the Menace, 4/3/09

Hey, Mr. Wilson, it’s the government that publicizes the names and addresses of sex offenders, not the television stations. But I admit that when they ran that picture of your house with the caption “PERVERTS IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD” as the lead story on the 6 o’clock news, that was a little much.

Pluggers, 4/3/09

You’re a plugger if you euphemistically refer to an anonymous sex party as “league bowling.” (The rest of us call it “book club.”)

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Mary Worth, 4/2/09

Always working on self-improvement, Mary has managed to upgrade the contents of her thought balloons from simple text-based information to a full multimedia experience. I was going to say that she really needs a hobby, but then I realized that figuring out better ways to obsess over other people’s problems so as to help her forget her otherwise empty life is her hobby.

Luann, 4/2/09

Does anyone else remember how, years ago, Greg Evans had his readers vote on whether Luann was going to go to some dance with either Gunther or Aaron Hill? I seem to recall that either Aaron won the vote, or Gunther won the vote but then Luann went with Aaron to the dance anyway. My point is that in panel three Gunther is right: he is unloved either by the majority of the people who read about his life or by his creator.

Marmaduke, 4/2/09

It’s natural that Marmaduke’s owner is confused. For most of us, being transported by our demonic pet through a mystical portal into some kind of hell-dimension of eternal torment would be an unfamiliar experience, and we wouldn’t have any idea what was happening until too late.

Marvin, 4/2/09

It’s been a painful experience for Marvin’s grandparents to have lost all their money and move due to financial necessity in with their daughter and her family; the worst part is that they have to live with Marvin, obviously. But still, multigenerational homes are traditional in much of the world, and there’s opportunities for real wisdom to be passed on. For instance, today Marvin is learning that human vanity does not fade with age, but rather only becomes more ridiculous.

Spider-Man, 4/2/09

Ha ha, Spider-Man told a “not” joke! These were very popular twenty years ago or so.

Mark Trail, 4/2/09

“But first, we’ve got $500 to spend! That will sure buy a lot of khaki and neckerchiefs!”

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Ziggy, 4/1/09

That’s right, Ziggy! Borneo has many exotic and exciting tourist attractions that might be just a thing to put a smile on your face! Would you be interested in going on a jungle trek or swimming with dolphins? Perhaps a big city is more your style — you might want to experience historic Kuching, with its fascinating cuisine that reflects the region’s cultural mix! Or maybe you just want to relax on the beach. Borneo has it all! If you’re after a good exchange rate, well, depending on which side of the border you travel to, the Indonesian Rupiah is currently at 11,500 to the dollar, and the Malaysian Ringgit at about 3.60 to the dollar — definitely high historically, but better than it was six months ago, that’s for sure — and your money still goes much further than it would in Europe or the Caribbean!

Oh, wait, isn’t there supposed to be a joke here of some sort? Uh … ha, ha, that man accidentally left the house with no pants on!

Hagar the Horrible, 4/1/09

Oh, look, yet another cartoon character is begging her God for release from the terrible situation that defines her role in the strip. Poor Helga, who was no doubt either captured by Hagar’s viking band in a raid that left her village destroyed or handed over to the Norse chieftain by her father in order to avoid such an attack, has no recourse to improve her life but divine intervention. I’m curious as to which religious hierarchy she’s beseeching here, though. Is it the new God and his Son, recently imported from the south, or is it Odin and his pantheon, the old Gods of her people? If the latter, her requests might be bumped a little further up the queue with a human sacrifice or two. Surely her pacifist son Hamlet would make a choice offering?

Apartment 3-G, 4/1/09

See, there is an advantage to living with Margo: you can have conversations with enraged, half-asleep, foul-mouthed, possibly drunk or high women in their underwear, and still maintain that vacant little smile, unfazed, as if this happens to you every day, because it does.