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Funky Winkerbean, 3/26/09

You know, I’ve gotten into a nice little groove here on this blog, but sometimes I have a crisis of faith. I wonder if my analysis gets more repetitive than the material warrants. Are the running jokes (which have their own section in this site’s Wikipedia entry!) getting overdone? Should I stop pointing out that Herb and Jamaal is ludicrously non-specific, that Marmaduke is a terrifying, all-devouring demon-thing, and that Funky Winkerbean is a black hole of bleakness and depression and cancer from which no joy or laughter can escape?

Then along come strips like this to reaffirm my central mission. For those of you not in the know, elevated PSA levels could indicate prostate cancer, and that biopsy will probably involve a scalpel in close proximity to Funky’s junk. This, naturally, is the only result that you can reasonably expect when you dare to beg God for relief from your ceaseless troubles. If there’s any consolation, it’s that Funky is a much less likable character than the last one who died of cancer here, and the strip’s admirable commitment to authenticity means that he’ll just get angrier and less pleasant as his slow march to death continues.

The dude sitting in a wheelchair a foot away from a TV blaring out grim economic news is really the strip’s pièce de résistance. Because there was a chance that you might read this and think “Hey, I don’t have cancer”; obviously you need to be reminded that you’ll soon be warming your hands over a trash-can fire and eating beans out of a can, probably after having become wheelchair-bound in an unrelated incident.

Dick Tracy, 3/26/09

It’s a sad day when America’s greatest comic-strip detective starts borrowing plot themes from Mary Worth, but the difference in how the two strips handle these identity theft storylines ought to be instructive. When Mary tackled it, we saw a lot of weeping and panic and forgiveness and easy-to-follow instructions from helpful experts. Dick Tracy’s take will no doubt involve weeping and panic as well, but a lot more broken bones and flayed skin, and definitely no forgiveness.

Mary Worth, 3/26/09

“Yes, the donation will be the last thing he’ll be thinking of … ever, once my plan to poison him is completed! MOO HA HA HA! Oh, wait, did I just say that part aloud?”

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Apartment 3-G, 3/25/09

Apparently Dr. Joe’s kids will be take on the darndest-things-saying role that children are often called upon to fulfill in adult-oriented comics, and they’re doing a pretty good job so far, daring to question Tommie on her androgynous name, and revealing a hitherto unknown (to me, anyway) fun fact in the process. Kenley’s “Oh.” in panel two seems less like “Thanks for answering my question!” and more like “Yeah, but … but … that doesn’t really answer … I mean, you could go by ‘Abby’ or ‘Gail’ or … seriously, ‘Tommie’, what the hell?”

Of course, if I were Tommie I would probably have responded with “Kenley’s a funny name for anyone who isn’t an insufferable little yuppie brat. OH WAIT.”

The real meat here, obviously, is ultra-embarrassing panel three. Look for Tommie to sputter awkwardly for a few seconds, after which Kenley will say “Oh, my mistake! You’re obviously not anybody’s girlfriend.”

Spider-Man, 3/25/09

Oh, newspaper Spider-Man, you just can’t win, can you? Even when you’re expressing delight in your elderly aunt’s speedy recovery, you come off like a tremendous douche. In panel three, Peter looks like he’s primarily excited about not having to cook for himself in the immediate future.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/25/09

Funky Winkerbean characters are beginning to rage against their sadistic God, which should come as no surprise to anyone. Seriously, wouldn’t you feel kind of weird as a comic artist drawing your characters begging their creator for mercy, only to encounter further arbitrary misery? I guess where Funky Winkerbean is concerned, you should replace “feel kind of weird” with “cackle with maniacal glee.”

Dennis the Menace, 3/25/09

In other words, Mrs. Wilson stays young and healthy by regularly replacing her organs with fresh new ones harvested from children. Dennis only manages to avoid this fate himself by bringing her a steady supply of “raw material” — so, sorry, Joey.

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Blondie, 3/24/09

It looks like somebody got a copy of A Child’s Treasury Of Hobo Lore for his birthday! Yes, we all harken back to the Good Old Days of the Great Depression, when a quarter of the country was out of work, and starving men snuck onto filthy freight cars in a desperate search for gainful employment, or maybe just a warmer and drier climate more conducive to sleeping outside. The chances of getting your head bashed in by the railroad police were generally no better than one in four! And then there were the delightful hobo jungles, with the camaraderie, the music, the piles of garbage, the drunken brawls, the teenage boys trading sexual favors for protection — a great time had by all, and nobody with a care in the world! Well, don’t worry, Elmo, if things keep going like they’re going now, we’ll have those times back soon enough!

Hi and Lois, 3/24/09

Hi and Lois dares to show us the how truly grim the economic downturn is: not only are we losing work, and thus economic security, but we’re also losing the one excuse we have to avoid our hated homes and families.

Crankshaft, 3/24/09

The ’Shaft’s son-in-law is horrified by the terrible old man’s stated intention of living for another half-century. It looks like Operation Poisoned Hat is back on the agenda.