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Mary Worth, 2/6/09

I really thought that, once Frank showed up at practice in his hideous green-and-orange checked sweater, I had seen the worst fashion nightmare that this interlude had to offer; it was so grotesque that I barely even registered Mary’s magenta-t-shirt-over-black-long-sleeve-shirt combo. But then he stood up and OH MY GOD THE PANTS THE PANTS! He’s wearing those same damn electric blue sansabelt slacks that every single male in this strip wears, somehow achieving a color combination even more appalling than the sweater alone. It will all make this promised resurrection of Frank and Mary’s “old pair moves” (which, by the way, what the hell) into a vomit-inducing swirl of clashing hues that in any just universe would end on the ice in a heap of shattered bones.

I’m intrigued by the Venn diagram hanging on the wall behind our protagonists. I’m assuming it’s a subliminal message about this pair, showing the overlap between “insufferable know-it-alls who think they’re always right” and “clueless morons who think that profound problems can be fixed very quickly.” The horizontal line at the bottom represents our rapidly shrinking will to live.

Crankshaft, 2/6/09

Say, it’s another cheery Crankshaft funeral strip! At least today’s installment isn’t being used to set up a fart joke. No, instead, the ’Shaft is declaring that every morning that he drags his arthritic, pain-wracked, bile-drenched body out of bed, when all he really wants to do is pass into the great beyond and end his suffering, is an act of vengeance. Who he’s getting revenge on is left unsaid — probably God Himself, Whose creation Crankshaft continues to defile with each day that he clings to life. The ’Shaft’s thousand-mile stare in the final panel seems to indicate that he realizes the enormity of declaring vengeance on his own Creator, but he feels honor-bound to keep it up until the end, when his friends will make terrible puns over his own embalmed corpse or cremains urn.

Spider-Man, 2/9/09

Aww, look at that! It seems that, even though they’re on opposite sides of the law, Spider-Man and Electro have quite a bit in common! See, they both need to find places to hide their costumes from their loved ones, in their microscopic New York homes! Also, despite their spandex-clad fame/notoriety, they’re both hard up for cash to pay their bills! Also, they’re both boneheaded mouth-breathing moronic chumps!

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Hi and Lois, 2/5/09

Ditto’s teacher’s enormous grin probably indicates that she’s on some kind of serious mood-altering medication, which, seeing as she’s Ditto’s teacher and all, God bless her for it.

Crock, 2/5/09

Ha ha ha, fat character created solely to be the butt of fat jokes! Let’s string together a bunch fat jokes about you! No, they don’t actually have to lead into each other logically. Say, has anyone pointed out to you that you’re fat?

Family Circus, 2/5/09

“Certainly not for unsophisticated, derivative trash like this. Why, you couldn’t get a gallery show in Peoria with crap like Running Man In Hat in your portfolio!”

Mary Worth, 2/5/09

“You helped Lynn by talking through her problems with her … and helped me with that incredible nine-hour sex session last night, which the comic syndicate censored but which I’ll imply by gently resting my hand on your shoulder!”

…

What? What? Did I blow your little minds? The way Mary blew Frank’s mind, last night? OK, I’ll stop now.

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Dick Tracy, 2/4/09

“Ethan Noll — Ethan Noll? Like ethanol, the volatile, flammable grain alcohol that some think could be a valuable fuel source, and which is often derived from corn, which in turn is the main crop in Iowa, the location of Professor Noll’s university? I wonder if this offers a clue of some sort to the denouement of this episode? Naw! Too much of a coincidence. Literally every human being I meet has a name that’s a pun of some sort, and only half of those turn out to be relevant.”

There are many things I dislike about Dick Tracy — currently at the top of my list is its decision to renew its earlier flirtation with Comic Sans (HEY GUYS JUST BECAUSE IT’S IN BOLD DOESN’T MEAN WE CAN’T TELL) — but the weird fractured chronology on display in the second and third panels, in which an event is first recounted second-hand and then shown to us in flashback, isn’t one of them. This is actually a fairly common technique in the strip, and I’ve grown to appreciate it more as I read it; it at least adds a little narrative interest among the stubby fingers and the bludgeonings. It reminds me of the weird editing in Steven Soderbergh’s The Limey, only with even more graphic and brutal killings.

Funky Winkerban, 2/4/09

“Yup, I’m all set to start writing again, and AAAH AAAH AAAH IT’S THE REANIMATED CORPSE OF MY DEAD WIFE!” Ha ha, just kidding, Les wouldn’t be terrified by this prospect; the appearance of his wife, resurrected as a shambling zombie-demon, would be the highest form of erotica for him.

I was blessedly out of the FW loop during the storyline being described here, but many commentors seem to recall it as one of those irritating lesser-Shakespeare-comedy-type plots where the protagonists keep having their meeting thwarted by random circumstance (much like Darrin and Lisa’s attempts to track each other down before the latter’s death). If that’s true, then surely Les will be able to produce a new book that’s as big a flop as his last one, and the cycle of misery will be complete.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/4/09

Hmm, Second Officer Tomas, who in previous appearances looked to be of Latin or African descent, has made an appearance today looking thoroughly Caucasianized. Perhaps he’s still desperately attempting to placate the drunken, belligerent WASPs who make up most of the ship’s passengers, and thus is switching races himself so as to put them all at ease. Thus the patient requiring medical attention is Guido himself, with Rex being called upon to provide more enwhitening injections.

Marmaduke, 2/4/09

Marmaduke’s owner can’t get the dog to stay off the furniture, stop digging up the back yard, or refrain from eating the neighbors, but at least he’s managed to instill his own virulent anti-Semitism into the hell-beast.

Ziggy, 2/4/09

Hey, everybody! Have you heard about all the corporate bailouts? Ziggy has, apparently! Maybe someday the strip will get around to making a joke about them.