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I don’t have the usual pleas for you to buy crap pre-COTW this week, so we’ll get to the top comment after only some quick links:

• Faithful reader Angry Kem has set up a spiffy comics blog called Japes For Owre Tymes, in which she takes on the too long neglected task of translating the dialog in modern-day comic strips into Middle English.
• And faithful reader Short (I think? Let me know if I mangled your nickname) points out that God has punished the Kalamazoo Kings for their Elmer-hiring ways.

Oh, and finally, for those of you who use the Facebook, did you know that there is a Readers of the Comics Curmudgeon Facebook Group? Well, there is! Feel free to join it and do, uh, whatever it is one does with such things.

And now, without further ado, here’s the comment of the week!

“I was initially inclined to regard Toby’s reply of ‘Not excessively’ to Terry’s inquiry as to whether she used her computer much as one of the most ineffably unnatural and cryptic responses imaginable, but on second thought I guess she could’ve said ‘Twelve,’ ‘Sure they will,’ or ‘I LOVE cornflakes!'” –Violet

And the runners-up!

“My theory is that Jones has been selling him smarties or some other sugar pill. This explains why Alan never seems bedraggled or mussed, why there are no other drug dealers while Jones is away and why Alan’s competence level seems unchanged. The sugar crashes also explain why he sleeps at odd hours. Jones probably thinks this is a clever way to get some very green dough without actually harming Alan, but he will be filled with regret when Alan finally slides into adult onset diabetes.” –Les of the Jungle Patrol

“Kids, this is what smoking crack will do for you — you’ll turn into Alan! Is it worth it to be so boring and blonde and clean?” –crossbuck

“Damn, Crock is heartbreaking today. The chef is clearly depressed at the prospect of having to boil his friend alive. Which explains why he’s slumped, unshaven, and appears to be wearing a noose fashioned out of a napkin. Why he’s wearing a boot on his head makes less sense, until you remember that this is Crock, where where not even the act of grief may be drawn correctly.” –RaJ

“So FINALLY Toby is going to figure out just what the fuck she did wrong. (Well, figure out = having someone explain it to her step by step over many hours.)” –T. Chicana

“A thing happened in a soap opera strip? That’s right, isn’t it? That was a thing, right? Shooting somebody over drugs is a thing?” –captainswift

“Yes Uncle Mark, to pet Sneaky just go ahead and lean against this impossibly small light blue chair placed right in the middle of the room. We chose the model with the 6-inch wide back for extra discomfort!” –mikey

“Herb, I’m going to put you on an exercise program. You’ve already started it by climbing up on my 5’ 6” exam table.” –Patrick

“Another way to look at Ray with the gun (his ‘raygun’ as it were) is to imagine Ray being played by Faye Dunaway. Not Dunaway as Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest but just a bald-headed Faye Dunaway desperate for a part. Contemplate her voice with the ‘Liars — All liars!!!’ and you’ll see that it makes perfect sense.” –Dingo

“I like how Billy imagines himself in the dress. That leads me to believe that he’s not sad about the gift, but at his fat legs.” –Buddy and Hopkins: Music Cartoons

“I just think it’s pretty damn telling that Dolly is alone, all alone except for her psychopath brother, on her birthday.” –NotThatGuy

To those who put money in the tip jar, I say: Huzzah! And an extra huzzah to our advertisers:

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Pluggers, 9/22/08

Wait, are we expected to believe that Biblical patriarchs are pluggers now? Because … because I refuse to do so. I refuse, do you hear me! The great figures of the Old Testament were chosen by God to be the defining figures of their age, picked out to work the will of the Divine on Earth. This clashes with everything we know about pluggers, in that the latter are simple, self-effacing folk who don’t want any special recognition, and are also lazy and incompetent.

And I don’t even want to get into the theological implications of Noah being a terrifying beast-man, and what this says about his potential relationship with the other creatures in the ark.

Marmaduke, 9/22/08

Yeah, you tell ’em, Dottie! Your dog may be an insatiable, all-devouring hell-beast, but you can at least keep him from parading down the street with his collection of grisly trophies, the feet being the one part of a person that he for some reason refuses to eat.

Ballard Street, 9/22/08

This feature has previously supplied such disturbing characters as “Ass-Licking Dog” and “Coke-Sniffing Dog,” but I think that “S&M Dog” is a new low.

Family Circus, 9/22/08

“Or you could stop beating him, you heartless monster.”

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Family Circus, 9/21/08

The only Billy-related Family Circus trope I like better than “Billy is an angry little jerk” is “Billy is a jerk and then gets his terrible comeuppance.” Where are the parents in panel one to prevent Billy from committing the ultimate birthday-related sin: blowing out the candles on a sibling’s cake? But Mommy is there to prove that revenge is best served with a scoop of ice cream: because the absolute rigidity of gender roles is enforced from birth in the ultraconservative Keane Kompound, she knows that the ultimate punishment is to force Billy to briefly entertain the thought of wearing one of Dolly’s hideous dresses. Billy’s heartbroken expression as he tears open the box, along with Mommy and Dolly’s looks of smug satisfaction, make for an excellent payoff.

Slylock Fox, 9/21/08

If you squint at the solution to this mystery, you’ll learn that we’re expected to convict Reeky Rat because the clock in his loot bag is only a few minutes behind the actual time. As if 5 o’clock only happens once and never comes ’round again! John Law is just prejudiced against Reeky because he carries his totally legitimately borrowed items around in a burlap sack. Well, that’s how they do it down at the trailer park, OK? They don’t have platinum-encrusted Kate Spade bags or whatever it is you fancy city elitists use. JUSTICE FOR REEKY!

The Six Differences panels offer a glimpse at the legendary underground film A Dog’s Life In Amsterdam.

The Phantom, 9/22/08

The not terribly interesting Sunday Phantom storyline just wrapping up here involved these tribesfolk, living on their traditional diamond-lousy lands, being held hostage by sharps from the big city before Stripey Pants helped them out. But this strip is notable for the last panel of the second row and first panel of the third, as they indicate that the title of this adventure in the Skull Cave Archives is “How the Phantom Got Filthy Rich From His Diamond Monopoly.”