Post Content

Monday has rolled around again, which means it’s time … for the comment of the week.

“I heartily endorse the mostly naked Rex and June. This was the best strip of the storyline. I don’t need to see the rest of the storyline to know that my statement will remain true forever.” –Mrs. Buck Tuddrussell

And the runners-up!

“I hope this means that Marvin killed everyone else in the strip and is going to now starve to death himself.” –Cheeky Wee Monkeys

“Lemme guess: John does new orthodontia on Fridays, but reprints 29-year-old orthodontia the rest of the week, right?” –Mibbitmaker

“Didn’t you get the memo? Each and every comic strip storyline must somehow fulfill the ‘Beauty and the Geek’ straight male fantasy. Say what you will about Cathy, but at least Irving was deep enough to find the inner beauty in a women with an anus for a mouth and no nose.” –insolenttomato

“Ted, oh Ted! Leave Sally and run away with me! I have a convertible and a giant box of Lego!” –TaxiGirl

“As a member of the underrepresented demographic known as ‘female geeks’ and the wife of a geek, I wish I could join in on chiding Luann for not appreciating Gunther and his talents (all of which require skill, artistry, and style) just because he doesn’t get greasy and sweaty doing them. However, every time I look into Gunther’s beady, soulless black eyes, I just want to run away screaming.” –TheDiva

“You’ve done a week’s work in one day! That’s what we in the biz call ‘malpractice.'” –teddytoad

“Constantly broadcasting the fact that the curator of your first show is your boyfriend may not be the best way to establish your bona fides as an artist, even if you don’t get into the fact that he’s a drunken pity hire by a gallery owner who’s dating your publicist/roommate/frenemy.” –SecretMargo

“This pizza magazine cover storyline is dragging on way too long. Can we get back to killing people, please?” –cheech wizard

“Holy cats! I just had a flash of insight! Lu Ann is going to have sex relations with Jack and Alan is going to buy some meth from that beatnik guy and they’re both going to betray each other. There will be a whole big thing where they’re both eaten up by guilt until one of them comes clean. Then there will be another big thing as the other one acts all high and mighty until he or she realizes that their own betrayal was just as bad and comes clean and there will be a big tearful scene. Then they’ll get back together and engage in erotic asphyxiation, which is the only way Alan can have an orgasm. All the signs are there.” –Bryan

“You know you’re a plugger when you take your sponge-bath from a used giant KFC chicken tub.” –Harry Paratestes

“I’m convinced that in the A3G universe, wealth is not measured by how much money you have, but by how motherfucking green it is. That’s why Jones doesn’t have to count the bills to know Alan’s loaded. This is helpful, as Jones must think that math is a huge bummer, right up there with gainful employment and non-absurd facial hair.” –RaJ

“If Sturdivant becomes the Ned Beatty of comicdom the strip should be renamed ‘Vaseline Alley.'” –Stroker Ace

“No, sexual fantasies based on the Ghost-Who-Haunts-Wet-Dreams are a longstanding tradition, but the men had the good sense to keep their damn mouths shut about it.” –The Photocopiest

On whether this plate can be eaten off of: “If you decide to take a chance and use the plate, you might want to test the scratch-resistance of the decoration with a butter knife before putting any food on it, to avoid unsightly mishaps. You might, for example, attempt to scratch Xs over little Jeffy’s eyes, or a pentagram on Billy’s forehead … that way, even if the paint does come off, the artistic integrity of the work won’t be compromised.” –Trilobite

“That For Better Or For Worse enraged me for reasons I cannot begin to vocalize. Ignoring the kid isn’t so bad. Ignoring the kid and making me waste ten panels of my life reading it, that’s unforgivable. Here’s my suggestion for a replacement. Panels one and two: throwaway gag involving Meredith trying to stick a fork in a power outlet. Panel three: Meredith (or whatever her name is): ‘Daddy, will you pay attention to me?’ Panel four: Michael: ‘No. I hate you and wish you were never born. Now let me write my Snape/Bellatrix fanfic in peace.’ Panels five through ten: Meredith quietly sobbing in a corner.” –Plasma

“Oh, of course he should try it. Because, as everyone knows, the biggest concern of drug dealers is the quality of their product. Alan’s going to be the first dope pusher in the city to earn his ISO-9000.” –The Spectacular Spider-Brick

And hey, I want to give a big holler to everyone who’s put some money in my tip jar. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Our advertisers must come in for thanks as well, too:

• Don’t miss the adventure! More than an ordinary tale about an elf! Chessie — who’s got a really cute dog — straddles two worlds: the human and the undiscovered world of elves. Read how Chessie discovers her magical powers, deals with dangers, and triumphs.
• The quest starts here: The quest holds many mysteries. You will find them well-protected. Great rewards are possible for the clever, the keen and the fearless. But be warned, the secrets of the triangle will not come easy. Join if you dare. Many will try. One will succeed.
• The world-famous laugh factory: A fixture on Hollywood’s Sunset Strip for 28 years! All the legends of modern standup comedy have graced our stage, including Jerry Seinfeld, Jim Carrey, Chris Rock, Rodney Dangerfield, Richard Pryor, Paul Rodriguez, Dave Chappelle, George Lopez, and more.

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here. And hey, did you know that the coveted top spot is available? Guarantee yourself a slot at the top of the left-hand nav bar by clicking here!

Post Content

Gil Thorp, 5/5/08

Well well well, look who’s turned out to be the Mudlarks’ chief nativist! It’s Andrew Gregory, who, I feel obliged to point out, wasn’t such a law-and-order type back when he had a half-drunk Marty Moon pretending to be his father for the benefit of a state social worker. Did Marty’s attempt to teach him the importance of sticking it to the man come to naught? I guess in the A-Train’s hierarchy of faceless, dysfunctional government bureaucracies, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement gets an “honor and obey”, while Social Services rates a “go ahead and mess around with.”

I’m hoping that Marty, flush with his victory in the battle to help underaged Andrew half-competently raise his young siblings without interference from the government, decides to take on Homeland Security for Elmer’s sake. I’m imagining him wearing a huge sombrero and a poncho and spouting quasi-Spanish gibberish like “No es bueno!” and “No mas!” and “Hasta la vista, baby!” It won’t help Elmer at all, of course, but it’ll be hilarious.

Family Circus, 5/5/08

Wow, the Keane Kompound has the most boring wall calendar ever. I guess when your strict religious beliefs regard any depiction of humans, animals, or plants as sin against the Creator, all you’ve got do to entertain yourself is make up sad little stories about the names of the months.

I also question the wisdom of giving a long, pointy stick to a six-year-old, or however old Dolly is supposed to be. At least she’ll probably use it against others, not herself; if Jeffy were wielding it, it’d be buried in his eye in no time.

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 5/5/08

For reasons that I can’t quite verbalize, and hopefully don’t have to, Alan’s thought-balloon whinge in today’s Apartment 3-G was hands-down the funniest thing in the comics section today.

Spider-Man, 5/5/08

…although “Crime-fighting and the flu don’t mix” was a close second. In other developments, we learn that, in his BDSM relationship with his wife, Peter is a bottom. Nobody is surprised.

Post Content

So, last night I had put up my little Luann-Schlieffen Plan joke and was feeling kind of proud of it, when my wife came in to read the post and said, “I can’t believe you didn’t say anything about the second panel!” To be honest, my eyes had mostly just skimmed over the text of Luann’s mom’s diatribe once I felt I had the gist, but since my wife is in the sex ed biz, her more discerning eye couldn’t help but settle on the gem highlighted here:

HPV, if you don’t know, is one of the most common sexually transmitted infections. Since the DeGroots have been married for 20+ years, this worry on her part has serious implications for her fidelity, her ideas about his fidelity, or the possibility that they’re totally free and freaky swingers (I knew that something racy was going on at Kamp Kouple.)

Anyway, my wife posited that this was originally written to have her wondering about whether she should get the new HPV vaccine for Luann, and that the syndicate then rejected this as too controversial. I replied that based on Luann’s track record, we don’t have to worry about her having sexual contact with anyone anywhere anytime soon.

The strip concludes with Mrs. DeGroot kissing her husband good-bye and heading off for her mammogram, leaving the baffled Mr. DeGroot to thank God that he was born a man. Because men don’t get venereal diseases or need preventative medical care!

UPDATE: Yes, as several people have pointed out, HPV can be latent and asymptomatic for a long time; thus, Mrs. (or Mr.) DeG could have been infected in the course of their premarital sexcapades. This of course implies that they’ve had premarital sexcapades with other people, which is a sort of groundbreaking thing for the forever-arrested-in-1955 sexual morality of the comics, and makes it all the sadder that they seem grimly determined to keep their twentysomething son virginal (not that he needs much help.)

Also, it’s important to note that Mrs. DeG is obviously wearing Captain Kirk’s uniform, which she probably picked up off the floor in the aftermath of their space-quickie. And if there’s one person you’re likely to catch an STD from, it’s Captain Kirk, space-whore.