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Well, Keg of Curd has had a good 18-day run, but it’s finally time to crown a new comment of the week!

“Having moved as far as possible from menace, Dennis is now distancing himself from making sense, giving us this baffling nugget of Family Circus-grade confusion. Snowballs are free? Compared to what? Other roughly palm-sized objects that you throw at people?” –Rhekarid

And the runners-up! So funny!

“You know, I’ve been thinking about this recent Mark Trail storyline, and how the ‘small cigars’ played a major part. I just wish that there existed some diminutive by which we could refer to these small cigars … perhaps ‘cigar-ling’ … or ‘cigar-ina’ … or possibly even ‘cigar-ette.'” –Mariko

“Has anyone noticed the FOOB website is down? Did it collapse under the weight of its own desperation?” –Mir777

“I always appreciate the Kwanzaa story for both the insanity and of course the life lesson. While I’m absolutely amazed by the insanity of this year’s gem, I’m relatively certain that the lesson — don’t leave your pregnant buffalo-wife alone after stealing from a two-headed snake — doesn’t apply to most people.” –rhymes with puck

“Damn you, April. Damn you for having what I want: bangs tousled just so by the awkward breath of teenage angst, trying to guilt you into awkward sex.” –kitty

“Does Margo seriously believe people drink champagne to quench thirst? I think this might explain something about her.” –fluffy

“‘And after champagne, who’s going to the chiropractor after screwing up their neck?’ ‘I AM!'” –Fireball

“So Eric’s leaving for China, leaving his gallery in the hands of a manager with a single day of training and a short attention span, plus a guy who’s probably in the supply closet right now, huffing paint fumes and airplane glue. My guess is that the gallery has been hemorrhaging money and this is a convoluted plan to collect a surprisingly large insurance settlement.” –Darkefang

“I can buy that Lu Ann in hypoxia paints better than Alan drunk off his ass, but I think that’s more than balanced out by the fact that, sober or drunken, Alan can think in sentences and count money and stuff. True love waits!” –Dr Marion

“Abbey’s blacked-out face is a visual representation of her state of mind before what she’s come to refer to in her own mind as simply ‘it.'” –Nate

“I hate long goodbyes … therefore, our imminent lovemaking will be confused, frenzied, and brief.” –Hubris

[In response to Hubris’s comment above]: “Also known as ‘doin’ it Gil Thorp style.'” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“I wish tomorrow’s panel would feature Slylock and Cassandra, sharing the bath and a Max sandwich. And I don’t mean the threesome type. I mean the really slice up the little bastard and eat him type.” –McManx

“I think Reeky Rat perfectly symbolizes man’s insatiable desire for self-betterment. Clearly he’s fighting an unwinnable war against his own revolting stench, but there he is, in the shower, trying to scrub off the repugnant hand life has dealt him and give himself the chance to ascend to a higher stratus of society, albeit through a life of crime, deception, and ill-fated schemery. ‘Get me a towel!’ he shouts jubilantly, ‘Everything’s comin’ up Reeky!'” –Stupendous Girl

“You know, I really wish FBOFW would spend some time letting us know how the characters feel about the way their lives change over time and to do so with either long, drawn-out exposition or with short, witty zingers to which we may or may not be able to relate.” –PeteMoss

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Gil Thorp, 1/7/08

One of my favorite terrible things about Gil Thorp is the way its narration boxes and exposition characters just hurl the full (and almost invariably WASPy) names of characters at you willy-nilly. I guess it’s supposed to keep you up on who’s doing what, but for me it has the opposite effect, as anyone who isn’t the main thrust of the storyline invariably gets lost in a sea of badly drawn faces. Was Grant Sanders an important player in the recently concluded football storyline? Has Bill Hawkins ever appeared in the strip before? Who the hell knows? I’m not very good with names in real life, and generally the people I encounter there don’t have facial features that move around and change shape from moment to moment. The only thing I’m sure of is that the dude at left in panel three was a prominent member of the Lollypop Guild.

Five bucks says that “Let’s get the A-Train involved here” also features prominently in Andrew Gregory’s foreplay banter.

Hi and Lois, 1/7/08

Hi is regarding his son with goggle-eyed horror not because they actually had some kind of upcoming vacation to St. Moritz — after all, this is the family whose idea of a dream trip was a week in cheesy faux Old West mining town, and even that apparently drove them to the verge of bankruptcy. No, the Flagston patriarch is stunned that Chip can actually summon up a phrase in a foreign language. For obvious reasons, they had always pegged him as the dumb one, and long ago spent his college fund on trips to cheesy faux tourist attractions.

Slylock Fox, 1/7/08

I hate to sound like I’m kissing up, but today’s Slylock is really a perfect little noir vignette — and while Reynard Noir is on vacation, too! I love the look into the Rats’ depressing home, with crumbling plaster covered over with Reeky’s wanted posters. The neat stack of photocopied bill sheets on the stool and the paper cutter in the foreground remind us that counterfeiting is exactly the sort of crime that fits the manic, obsessive energy of a meth fiend like Reeky. And I love the way Mrs. Rat is sitting at her vanity in a sexy slip (no doubt it’s 95 degrees and they don’t have AC), while her loutish hubby bellows commands from the other room. If only it ran in my newspaper, I could see it in black and white as it was clearly intended to be.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/7/08

Ha! It’s Funky Winkerbean! Even the exposition is cruel!

Judge Parker, 1/8/07

“So, I masturbated into your underwear drawer. Hope you don’t mind!”

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Slylock Fox, 1/6/08

OH, COME ON, SLYLOCK! I can’t make out the solution to this mystery in its small typeface, but I especially can’t make out why the two of you aren’t making out right now. “Prank calls,” indeed. I’m assuming that the only way the usual slack-jawed bunny and bird townsfolk were able to figure out that these sexy, sexy phone calls were coming from Cassandra was through top-secret technology called “caller ID.” Therefore, by my powers of deduction, I come to the conclusion that she wanted to be caught — caught with a full bubble bath and a bunch of scented candles. And who do you bring over? Max. Frickin’ Max. Unbelievable. That’s it, I’m on Team Cassandra! Who’s with me? (Buy the shirt if so, obviously.)

Zits, 1/6/07

I’m not sure if I mentioned it in a blog post, but a few weeks back there was some mild degree of controversy because Zits delved into the darkest, most offensive world of sexually charged street lingo. Specifically, there was a strip that featured Jeremy uttering in the word “sucks” — not in the sense of anybody specifically sucking on anything in particular, but in the general sense of the situation he was in being suboptimal, in the way that teenagers have been doing since at least five years before I was born. Several newspapers actually pulled the strip. Anyway, it baffles me that said word caused a kerfuffle and yet Scott and Borgman walk the streets as free men after foisting this image onto our brains, is what I’m saying.

Apartment 3-G, 1/6/08

“…a little sad and a lot drunk. And a lot asshole, too.”

(P.S. Don’t forget that Comments of the Week now appear on Mondays! So you can go to bed now, is what I’m trying to say.)