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Mark Trail, 5/21/08

Why do we tolerate Mark Trail’s inane dialog and nonsensical plots? For the brief and hilarious outbreaks of violence, of course, and today’s is a doozy. Mark kicking in the petnappers’ door so hard that it bends while apologizing (to the door, apparently) for his entrance not being as dramatic as he intended could be the greatest combination of vigilantism and almost-but-not-quite-idiomatic English since “You won’t be releasing any more birds!” Tomorrow we should could get some important questions answered, such as: Will Mark punch a woman? And are his fists powerful enough to separate a man from his ponytail?

Today’s action is made especially hilarious by Mark’s reedy, pipe-cleaner like legs and tiny feet. It appears that the terrible limb-wasting disease that has already ravaged Rusty is beginning to spread throughout the Trails’ Lost Forest compound.

Ziggy, 5/21/08

Oh, yes, ha ha, it was all very funny when Ziggy got e-mail from his toilet, but today we see that this was only part of a larger crisis in the Ziggyverse. Apparently our hapless gnome-like protagonist is beginning to notice the computerized functionality that lies behind all the seemingly ordinary aspects of his world — and it’s all beginning to go awry. This can only mean one thing: The Matrix has finally come to the top of the Netflix queue over at Ziggy central.

Also, if anyone can tell me why the normally pantsless Ziggy has decided that going to beach would be a good occasion for covering up his nether bits, I’d love to hear it. But if you have a theory as to where his nipples went, you can just keep it yourself.

Judge Parker, 5/21/08

So, Legless Steve spent weeks brooding about possible terrorist threats to his life, only to see them neutralized in about thirty seconds by his feisty, miniskirted legal secretary. Meanwhile, Abbey spent longer than it even bears thinking about harboring suspicions about her neighbors, even engaging in some cut-rate derring-do to spy on them, only to have them found out and apprehended off-screen, by someone else. Judge Parker seems determined to challenge Spider-Man in the Least Satisfying Dramatic Tension Resolution Olympics.

For Better Or For Worse, 5/21/08

No, “incited” isn’t an adorable malapropism. There’s an angry, torch-wielding mob just off-panel. You’re lucky you can’t read, Merrie; it sure wouldn’t be “just another book” to you then.

Beetle Bailey, 5/21/08

Oh, General Halftrack! Your tales of your emotionally crushing marriage are amusing and all, but you and I both know that you’re just hung over. Or possibly still drunk.

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Apartment 3-G, 5/20/08

Things Haley might have said that could have been even dorkier than “Wow. This dope is super — I feel great!”:

• Nothing. There is absolutely nothing anyone could say or do that would make this hard-hitting drug use storyline any squarer than it is right now. Alan and Haley’s dope binge is making Mary Worth’s Tommy the Tweaker storyline (which, I might remind you ended with “Yeah, parents … what are you going to do?” and “UHHHHHHHHHHH” and “I hate drug dealers!” and “Groan!”) look like the unrated director’s cut of Trainspotting.

Can someone who’s an expert in drug paraphernalia and/or fluid dynamics explain to me what the deal is with Alan’s “pipe”? It looks less like something you’d use to smoke dope (of whatever flavor) and more like one of those jumbo straws for drinking bubble tea. Perhaps the syndicate would agree to greenlight this drug-fueled storyline only if nothing in the art remotely resembled anything someone could actually use to ingest illegal narcotics, and all the characters talked like utter dweebs.

Gil Thorp, 5/20/08

Panel three is a good example of why visually-oriented media like the comics don’t build storylines around lawyers very often. “Will the Vargases’ attorney manage to keep Elmer in the U.S. legally? Thrill as he plumbs the depths of Title 8 of the U.S. code! Gasp as he makes a few phone calls to some friends over at U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services! Can his secretary make enough copies of his notes for everyone at his 4:30 meeting? Does he have time to step out for coffee? How many billable hours will he put in today?” Judge Parker, take note.

Archie, 5/20/08

“Also, what Jughead had thought for the past eight years was his ‘dog’ turns out to be a short guy in a fursuit. We’re both pretty freaked out about it, honestly.”

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Before I stumble off to bed, you deserve your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“In Sally Forth, Ted is making a gesture in panel three that one almost never makes except when wearing pearls. With a manicure. And decolletage.” –Dingo

And your runners-up!

On why Alan should share his drugs with Lu Ann: “It would mean these two will have something in common, other than being blond, talentless, and stupid.” –Bobdog

“Hilary Hahn : 9 Chickweed Lane :: Jonas Brothers : Heart of the City” –The Spectacular Spider-Brick

“It’s cute that Mark calls it ‘our’ plan. Maybe he genuinely believes that Andy has played a crucial role in the construction of his insane plot. Of course, if things go bad, I’m sure it’ll quickly become ‘Andy’s plan.'” –Eric the Grate

“You might think that an ex-Navy SEAL or a crazed suicide-bombing terrorist would have the edge in this kind of standoff, but you’d be wrong: both are like helpless infants in comparison to the indomitable fury of a cute legal secretary who desperately wants to get laid. And that is the kind of Middle East policy I think we could all get behind.” –Trilobite

“All of this leads me to wonder whether this is just some extra-kinky dominatrix fantasy of Steve’s that just got a little out of hand. Or, given that he’s now got his bound mother witnessing Gloria and Samira in a no-holds-barred cat fight, maybe it’s going just as he planned.” –Cheese-n-Pear

“Poor Alan … he’s so naive about drug culture. Somebody tell him that’s not what ‘scoring a key’ means.” –Mumblix Grumph

“Really, the lame setup and confusing art are all just a prop upon which to rest the punchline: Cow shit! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Get it? I hate life.” –bartcow

“Mark Trail is kinda hot, but I’m not even going there. ZZZZZ. I’d like to say that Andy the dog would be more fun, and not in a bestiality kinda way. I mean that going on a WALK with Andy would probably be more fun than even the wildest time in the sack with Master Trail.” –SFMarcus

“I just knew somehow while reading the latest [FBOFW] storyline that it would all end in tears — mine.” –ralph

“Y’know, it kind of makes sense that the most colorful room I’ve ever seen in Mary Worth is in a funeral home.” –Corkey

“And sometimes it’s totally empty. On days like that, I just pull shit out of my ass. In fact that’s how I wrote that book! It’s easier to write a book than you think, especially when you don’t care about plot, character development, or anything like that.” –Canuckguy

And we must give big, big thanks to all of our beloved contributors who were kind enough to hit the tip jar!

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