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Apartment 3-G, 8/26/07

Oh my God, Tommie is a whore! And I don’t mean this in the usual misogynist sense of the word, implying that women who enjoy sex, perhaps with multiple partners, are to be stigmatized, while men who engage in similar activities are subject to manly approbation. No, I mean this literally, in the sense that her decisions about sexual activity are entirely determined by the possibilities of financial recompensation. Struggling theater dork? No! Moneyed computer dork? Yes! We see how it works, Tommie. All those people who keep sizing her up as she walks around thought-ballooning aren’t looking at her ass or seeing if she has toilet paper on her shoe; they’re thinking, “Can I afford her?”

Mary Worth, 8/26/07

Speaking of thought balloons, panel one of today’s Mary Worth, in which Dr. Drew spends an idle, distracted moment (possibly during surgery) imagining the severed heads of his two girlfriends eyeing each other suspiciously, is one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen.

I’ve been disappointed before by the soap opera comics (most recent example: the pathetic, deflated end to the initially so, so promising “Coach Kaz, P.I.” storyline in Gil Thorp), but I can’t conceive of circumstances under which the next few weeks of Mary Worth aren’t going to be absolutely hilarious. The Love Doctor uses his patented passive-aggressive-minus-the-aggression heartbreaking technique on Girlfriend #1, while firing on all cylinders to overcome the challenge of getting into the starched panties of Girlfriend #2, and both #1 and #2 live in the same building? Comedy gold, I tells ya. Of course, if any of his past, present, or future conquests find out that he conducts internal monologues about his love life studded with elaborate Star Trek metaphors, he’ll never have sex again.

Panel from Dennis the Menace, 8/26/07

Sunday’s Dennis the Menace is mostly unworthy of mention, except for this horrifying glimpse of a young Mr. Wilson, who resembles nothing so much as a pompadoured gnome.

And hey! A big shout-out to faithful reader Matt, who recognized me tonight when we were both attending and enjoying the latest Charm City Roller Girls bout. I’m pretty sure that this was the first time I’ve been spotted in public someplace where I hadn’t announced in advance that I’d be there (i.e., my weekend in NYC a couple of months ago doesn’t count). My wife actually has been recognized before, but then she leaves the house a lot more often than I do. Matt says he doesn’t post comments, but you may remember him as the recipient of a charming Aldomania-themed birthday greeting.

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Hey all! Sunday comics coming Monday, probably, but I didn’t want to let the sun go down on the weekend without giving big ups to the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“I have found that less housekeeping leads to fewer people coming over which leads to more time with Comics Curmudgeon. I expect this cycle to repeat beautifully until I am forcibly removed from my home for, say, 72 hours, and then given a case manager who won’t understand my goals.” –Squid Countess

And the longer-than-usual but still super funny runners up:

Referring to Crock: “Why does it take two people to create that strip? One to not-write and one to not-draw?” –Victor Von

“Why does everyone expect every crime to be resolved by Spider-Man? What happened to L.A.’s trust in its police force? I mean … they’re being terrorized by the Shocker. The Shocker.” –Some dude

“Drew: hauling her (un)romantically down by the splintery old docks that he uses to take his countless conquests — last names unimportant and long since forgotten — and pick up smuggled drug drops. You can almost hear the old salty dockhand saying, ‘Thar be Dr. Feelgood, and Dawn, or Sally, or whoever. Snicker.’ Vera: throwing herself clumsily at Drew like a broken bat at Mike Piazza, torturing herself with heels, but not thinking enough of the date to bother to take her damn hair out of that damn ponytail, slipping out of the shoes in a symbolic hint of all she will take off for Drew if he’ll just catch her when … oops. Ugh. How can the stars allow themselves twinkle on these two awful people?” –Edgy DC

“TJ has been replaced by Justin Timberlake playing Charlie Brown wearing a costume tailored by Blanche Devereaux. It is both the gayest and least gay thing I’ve ever seen.” –SecretMargo

“Dr. Joe Kelly and Mr. Gary Walker are not rivals for our plaintive angel of the bedpan; their awkward reaction in front of La Belle Nightingale is due to their last meeting in the ‘sling room’ of the local fetish emporium. Joe was strapped in and Gary was constructing a solution for the Doctor’s package. It is the memory of their lusty passion which makes Joe stammer. Tommie, as we all know, exists solely as a sexually dampening force: she is the cold wave which crashes on the shore as the walruses thrash and couple.” –Halifaxer

“Today, both Marvin and Foob are excellent examples of why NOT to have children. I should cut those strips out today and paste them in my packet of birth control pills.” –Kiesha

“Why does Liz keep insisting that she and Assthony are just ‘friends’??? All they do is suck face. I don’t make out with my friends nearly that much, and they’re 100,000 times more attractive and interesting than Assthony.” –Whippersnapper

“Tommie: ‘So the nerdy computer geek also volunteers for a theater company? Oooh, studly! I’d better make a move before all the other ladies see him … What a man!’ Gary: ‘They told me this Axe Body Spray would really work, but I didn’t believe them. Thanks, Unilever Corporation!'” –BigTed

“The way Tommie has been swinging her head from Joe to Gary to Joe this week can only foreshadow one thing: time for these gents to double-team Tommie! Oh, yeah. Query: Is it a bona fide three-way if deux of the trois are facsimiles of each other? Could this the first doppel-gang-bang?” –JamesinMaine

“On another note, The Shocker continues to be my favorite supervillian EVER! His quilted-soft costume in LA Laker colors, his practice-in-the-mirror posturing … But I have to wonder how he gets around. Does he take a cab? The subway? And if so, is he in costume? How does he escape? If he’s being pursued by police and he uses his vibro-shocker thingees, does he trigger the airbag on the car he’s driving? ‘Never heard of The Shocker, eh? Perhaps THIS will CLICK BANG OW! WHAT THE FCRASH!’” –willethompson

“In theory, this storyline could evolve into a complex discussion about ecological services, hydrological functions, modern retail and transportation patterns, and political and cultural attempts to reach societal compromises on difficult issues. Instead, it will be about baby ducks and punching.” –Poteet

“Now, now; give [Thérèse] a break. She might have hoped that the moustache would serve as a noise baffle to muffle the sound of his inane conversations.” –True Fable

“Meanwhile, Drew looks at his cellphone in abject horror, as if Dawn will appear through the receiver at any time to bust him for his reckless thoughtcrimes of endlessly screwing the world’s most boring marketing researcher.” –Calico

“Whoa, Candace got piercings AND a tattoo that can apparently be easily covered by a t-shirt and pants?! She’s hardcore to the maxxx!” –GG

“Is the Shocker waiting for a taxi, or what? Seriously, this is like the first rule of robbing a bank: if you didn’t bring your own vehicle, don’t steal more than you can carry.” –Francis

“Contract shenanigans in Judge Parker make as much sense as boardroom shenanigans in Rex Morgan. I wish these people were real so I could bilk them.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Why does Tommie always lean away from people? Is it the garlic burgers the cafeteria serves? Is she far-sighted? Fear of intimacy? One leg shorter than the other?” –gh

“Why would Anthony be digging Thérèse’s grave right next to the effing house? I’m no expert, but aren’t you supposed to be, ya know, stealthy about a thing like that? I do love the way Thérèse stands in the background, giving off a visible aura of city-hankering, while Anthony digs furiously in the foreground. ‘So, you wanna go to the city, huh? Oh, you’re going, alright. Only the city you’re going to is called Wormville!!!'” –BlinkAndItsOver

“That’s the most exciting thing that’s happened all freaking year in Spider-Man! The best part is that Spider-Man wasn’t around to dull it up.” –Inspector Dim

Also! Mad graphic artist genius and faithful reader willethompson has DONE IT AGAIN!!! And by “it” I mean “created a hilarious comics-themed graphic for you to purchase on at the Comics Curmudgeon CafePress store.” Check it out!

That’s right! Because right now, there are sinister beard-having petnapping mall-building bird-releasing insurance-company-defrauding chicken-kicking evildoers out there, and they need to know that justice is coming. Why not inform them — in t-shirt or mug form? As usual, I’ve put a some starter items up on the store, but if you want this logo on something else, just let me know.

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Gasoline Alley, 8/25/07

Wow, so who would have guessed that Slim’s descent into madness would have concluded with, you know, an actual descent into actual, clinically diagnosed madness? I have to say that while the recent Slim vs. the Basketball Playing Youth Of Today has been totally demented, it’s at least been kind of interesting, unlike the previous year or so of Gasoline Alley, so I sort of hope that they keep up with the wackiness. If nothing else, every year or so the gentle, good-humored domestic drama and hillbilly-dialect chuckles should be punctuated by Slim’s escape from the asylum, with hundreds of comically inept cops crawling everywhere in a failed attempt to keep him from killing again.

Dick Tracy, 8/25/07

I haven’t attempted to grapple with plot of Dick Tracy on this blog for about eight weeks; just take my word for it when I say that for about seven of those weeks, the same thing barely happened over and over again, then all of the sudden this week all sorts of things started happening, none of which made any sense if you thought about them for more than about thirty seconds. However, I feel that the dialog in today’s first panel — “Tracy! They know we know! They’re ramming us!” — stands on its own as a wonderful little dollop of poetic nonsense. I hope tomorrow one of the bad guys says “Gretchen! They know we know they know! We’re ramming them!” And then it could just go on like that pretty much indefinitely.

Also, in panel three, this is the second time that the Baron has arrived at the Pentagon via cab, and I have no reason to believe that it’s going to be the last.

Spider-Man, 8/25/07

Spider-Man continues to indulge its obsession with crumbling masonry. Perhaps the creators have decided that a renewed focus on our woefully neglected infrastructure is more important than providing the “thrills” and “excitement” that the masses expect from their superhero fare.

Also, I have to say that there’s something poignant about the modesty of the Shocker’s ambitions in panel one. He knows that there’s no chance of breaking into the big supervillain scene in New York or DC; he’d just be happy if people in San Francisco and LA, and maybe even Portland and Seattle, hear “the Shocker” and think not “obscene hand gesture” but “that mattress-wearing weirdo who robbed a bank.”

B.C., 8/25/07

Also, Clumsy, you’re not … bald? I mean, you’re not, right? As near as I can tell? I know we’re just plugging new jokes into old art, but couldn’t we at least have the same person picking out the jokes and the art?

Wizard of Id, 8/25/07

Ho ho ho! Id is an Orwellian police state, so dominated by the Panopticon-style omnipresence of its security apparatus that it resembles nothing so much as a vast gulag! Ah, whimsy!

Garfield, 8/25/07

This is pretty much the funniest Garfield that’s appeared in weeks. It’s about vomiting.