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Gasoline Alley, 1/21/23

Does anyone put a lot of energy into predicting how Gasoline Alley plots will get resolved? Like, no one does, right? Not even me? Well, let’s pretend we all do for the sake of this next joke, OK? [clears throat] Wow, I don’t think any of us had “Santa’s prayers were answered by a hot new she-elf showing up, causing Bunky to abandon his plans for an exciting, independent adventure and instead pledge another century of his eternal (?) life to serving Santa, due to horniness” on our Gasoline Alley plot resolution bingo card, which is a thing we all definitely maintain!

Bizarro, 1/21/23

I guess Bizarro has finally figured out what it takes to get noticed on this blog, and it’s weird interspecies sex stuff. One thing I enjoy about this panel is that usually in gags where a fish has crawled up onto a barren shore, we’re supposed to imagine it representing the first vertebrate colonizing the land sometime in the late Devonian period, but here our brave fish encounters a tiger, meaning that at the very earliest we’re several hundred million years later in the Miocene. That fish isn’t an evolutionary pioneer or anything, it just wants to fuck a mammal.

Beetle Bailey, 1/21/23

I’m sorry, I think all of us have always assumed over years reading this strip that Sarge is functionally illiterate. This “joke” is not very good, and certainly not worth forcing me to completely restructure my idea of what Sarge is all about to accommodate the possibility that he can write a restaurant review! “But Josh,” you’re probably saying, “this is a one-off joke that will never be referenced again,” but sorry, it’s canon now and I have to update the wiki and everything, how dare they do this to me personally

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It’s Friday, folks, and that means it’s time for YOUR … comment of the week!

“I can’t believe they bailed on alliterative fruity vape flavors after one. ONE! Come on. Cantaloupe Catastrophe, Durian Disaster, Honeydew Holocaust … do the work.” –Vice President John Adams

And your very funny runners up!

“That ‘Eat Healthy’ sign in panel 3 is foreshadowing. What could be healthier than eating an actual doctor?” –Uncle Lumpy

“What’s really confusing is why the characters in this strip are All the President’s Men-era journalists — so they’re simultaneously colorful birds and middle-aged white dudes who smoke cigars in public. I guess younger readers are supposed to say, ‘Talking birds? Print newspaper columnists? It’s all crazy!’” –BigTed

“Don’t you hate it when you go into a restaurant and the person serving you welcomes you and introduces themselves? And THEN gives you the menu, like 5 seconds later than they could have? Isn’t that the worst? No? OK, maybe its just me. Go ahead, ignore this one, go on with your day. Glad I get paid in advanced for writing these!” –Dondi’s Dad

“At a surface level, it’s a silly ‘dad-joke’ told by a cranky old man, but reread that strip while thinking about how that cranky old man is delivering that joke while not wearing any clothes. No, reread it again recalling that, canonically, that old man is probably still wearing sneakers and walked into the restaurant like that. Sometimes jokes really do benefit from context!” –pugfuggly

Black Raven comics are really valuable, because the DC Comics lawyers had most of them pulped because of, according to the judge, ‘plagiarism made even more odious by the lack of effort to conceal it.’” –Ettorre

“The most disturbing thing about today’s Crock is that they forced a lowercase ‘i’ into their all-caps font to spell the product correctly. This implies the existence of, against all voluminous counter evidence, someone at Crock paying attention to a detail.” –nescio

“Jeffy has discovered the secret to society — that we use words to accomplish what otherwise would be done by brute force, and that social conventions are just thin veils for naked aggression. The fact that he remains undisturbed by this realization indicates how he intends to use this knowledge to further his sociopathic ends. Menace level: extreme! Oh wait, that’s the other strip. Maybe Jeffy’s blank stare just means he’s stupid.” –But What Do I Know?

“It’s clear that Mary and Dr. Jeff are meant for each other. Their conversation is so relaxed and natural and they say things like real people would.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Another glass of gravy, dear?” –Pozzo

“I’ve just reached the horrible realisation that Blondie’s not only into her husband’s food fetish, but has actually built her life around it. Her transition from housewife to caterer seemed like a feminist step forward 30 years ago, but now it’s abundantly clear that her entire career is based on her husband’s desire to make tender love to a pot roast.” –Rosstifer

“The real menace today is Martha, who’s enabling Dennis’s playing hooky without contacting his parents. They live next door, Martha, and his mother stays at home — all you have to do is pick up the phone! Or if Alice has already left for the morning for her wine-tasting circle or whatever, you could even give Dennis a ride to school. It’s probably on the way to the grocery store, so you could do your errands at the same time. I think after all these years, we’ve finally isolated the source of dysfunction in the DtM universe, and it’s not the five-year-old kid who missed the bus!” –Thelonious_Nick

“‘Don’t let them embalm the corpse!’ joins ‘Don’t mention the autopsy photos!’ in the list of hilariously macabre phrases that make me sincerely glad the dying newspaper comic industry can’t afford editors any more.” –Schroduck

“It looks like the cop and Surf City guy are having a moment, with the staring and all. ‘I don’t know where to put my arms when I’m with you, but I love it!’” –made of wince

“Can’t wait to see Tracy’s idea of tropical attire. If he doesn’t wear the most godawful Hawaiian shirt and trunks combo imaginable, I riot.” –ectojazzmage

“I call BS. Mr. ‘Sam Scott’, if that’s his real name, is from one of those effete liberal Connecticut towns who look down on real pluggers. The joke’s on you, ‘Sam’ — no real plugger would even pretend to listen to his wife.” –Lawyerbob

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Gil Thorp, 1/20/23

So earlier this week, two Mudlarks were griping that they’d never raise enough money to save the athletics department with their typical dollar candy bar fundraiser, and maybe they should sell vapes! Ha ha, it was a funny joke, everybody laughed … except, nope, here they are actually selling vape cartridges to innocent punk rockers who quite frankly look a billion times cooler than these two dorks? This is of course extremely funny, and even funnier if they dutifully hand this dirty vape money over to Gil and the school, rather than doing what most people do with cash made from illegal activities, which is keep it for themselves.

Dick Tracy, 1/20/23

Oh, sorry, my mistake, the art forger guy only got spear-gunned to death in Panama City, but his corpse drifted over to Cuba and into Wunbrow’s jurisdiction, it seems like. Anyway, Chandler’s face got all fucked up from water damage and maybe getting partially eaten by a shark or something, but Wunbrow isn’t going to let us see it, because he’s a dirty Communist.

Pluggers, 1/20/23

WOMEN, always wanting you to LISTEN TO and then REMEMBER what they say, amiright fellas