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Marvin, 5/15/07

Remember, kids: HIGH TECHNOLOGY = COMEDY GOLD. Here’s a list of punchlines that would be very similar to the one in this strip, but which fail to achieve knee-slapping hilarity because they ignore the crucial “e-factor” of Internet-related revelry:

• “I think it means mom got me from Christie’s in New York.”
• “I think it means mom paid money for me at a store.”
• “I think it means I was born in a country that doesn’t value girl babies, but does value Western currency.”
• “I think it means mom couldn’t get anyone to have sex with her.”

Mark Trail, 5/15/07

I’m pretty sure that, like George W. Bush’s famous “Bring it on!” line, County Commissioner Sideburns Q. Mustache’s statement that “If Mark Trail is looking for a bird problem, let’s give him one!” will haunt the rest of his political career. Thus it will probably be a blessing that said career isn’t going to last much longer, since Mark will soon show up to impeach him WITH HIS FISTS.

Longtime Mark Trail readers probably thought that last year’s “I’ll use explosives to fake a rockslide so as to convince the county to seize forest land via eminent domain to the advantage of my planned gambling casino” was some sort of apex of laughably unrealistic political skullduggery, but with this “Let’s get people fired up about birds so we can convince them to vote in a new airport on our property,” we move past “contrived” and straight on into Dada. If you managed to convince Karl Rove to drop acid and write a comic strip — and I have to admit that I would support you in such a quixotic effort — this is the sort of thing he’d come up with.

B.C., 5/15/07

Hey everybody! Let’s set the wayback machine for [squints] 1997 and enjoy some classic B.C.! Today, we learn that you shouldn’t go to chiropractors who are deranged mass murderers who build furniture out of the mangled body parts of their victims as some sort of horrific monument to their soulless evil. See, this strip used to be “edgy.”

Apartment 3-G, 5/15/07

FYI, I’m officially boycotting Apartment 3-G until it starts making God-damned sense again.

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Heart of the City, 5/14/07

Heart’s worries are all too well-founded. When I was in sixth grade, I spilled a pot of boiling chicken soup on my foot while I was stirring it and had to go to the emergency room; I ended up with bandages around my foot for some weeks. My plan was to refer to the cause of my injury as “boiling water,” but I made the mistake of telling someone the real deal and was “noodle foot” for the remainder of the school year. What I’m trying to say, Heart, is that I only wish I had hurt myself doing something cool, like cheerleading practice.

Wait, I think that might have come out wrong.

Slylock Fox, 5/14/07

Ever felonious? Try ever sextaculous! Seriously, if Slylock Fox is part of some secret long-term plan to make kids more open and accepting of the lifestyle of furry fetishists, I’d say it’s scoring another point every time Cassandra Cat appears, especially if she keeps showing up in paradoxically prim-yet-sexy outfits like the turtleneck sweater/tartan combo she’s got on here.

The amount of time our fox/mouse detective duo spend tailing (ha ha, see what I did there?) Miss Cat probably indicates their forbidden lust for her more than their desire for justice. Max Mouse’s infatuation with the sinister feline is well known, so it should come as no surprise that he’s checking out a Krazy Kat collection, since that feature revolved around a cat in love with a cruel mouse tormentor — no doubt the reversal of the real-life situation soothes his tiny besotted bowler-covered brain. Slylock’s appearance here reminds me of another episode from my misspent youth: when I was in high school, I worked in the local branch of the public library, and one day a patron appeared who was apparently notorious for exposing himself in the reading room, and I was assigned to keep an eye on him and kick him out if he did anything funny. He mostly just sat there with the newspaper in his lap, though not with the disturbing look of preternatural alertness that Slylock is sporting here.

Mary Worth, 5/14/07

I can’t even begin to explain to you what the hell is going in the second panel. Is Mary about to demand a horsey ride from Vera? A horsey ride of meddling? In panel one, Vera is following the lesson she learned from hard experience — “be ever vigilant in guarding your crotch” — so Mary may have had no choice in going for the backside attack. But since Vera appears to still be sitting on the bench, what in God’s name has Mary done with her legs?

Gil Thorp, 5/14/07

If Clambake isn’t giving down-home, country-style prostate exams by the end of the week, I for one will be very disappointed.

Ziggy, 5/14/07

Ziggy is going to die from some kind of venereal disease.

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Hey rockers! It’s time for the TOTALLY BADASS AND AWESOME COMMENT OF THE WEEK! Uh huh! That’s right! You know it baby!

“It would be great if someone revealed a cure for cancer, if for no other reason than to render the next several months of Funky completely irrelevant.” –Reedzilla

Hey and guess what? THESE COMMENTS ROCKED PRETTY HARD TOO!

“Oh my god, kids these days. They stick out a fist at you, and they expect you to just know that you’re supposed to respond analogously. Not like high-fives, where you slap the other guy’s palm with your tongue, or a handshake, where you put your penis in the guy’s waiting hand.” –junk science

“I think that Gabriella’s mystical powers and ecstatic visions are perfectly within the realm of believability. Only a great and powerful witch could carry the devil’s child to term.” –The Eleusinian

“As the tale of Cedric the Butler winds to a (presumptive) close, let’s play Judge Parker Mad Libs for a stab at the next story line: Abbey and Neddy travel to [geographic location] where they run afoul of a [social stereotype]. Fearing that they will be victims of [crime or impropriety], they attempt to defend themselves with a [household object]. The day is saved by a [adj.] [profession] with a [adj.] [noun]. Later, Neddy tries on a sexy [article of clothing], much to Abbey’s [emotion].” –Motorposus

“Is it me, or is Mrs. Coach Thorp a dead ringer for Resuscitation Annie, the CPR doll? And when I say ‘dead,’ I mean that I don’t want to poke around in Coach Thorp’s closet any time soon.” –Wonder Boy

“That second panel, with the locker room staring accusingly at the reader, may be the finest moment in the history of unintentionally unsettling things.” –Victor Von

“I personally prefer the drag queen/stripper name scenario [for Oki Merlot]. Also, that would explain the glittery classlessness of the Oki/Oaky joke. She was probably born in Northern Idaho and in a grand, drunken moment in a Coeur d’Alene Safeway wine aisle, misspelled and mismatched her way into a new life, a new mixed heritage, and a new cultural identity to capitalize on. Her eyes were swelled shut with allergies and regrets, and everyone just kept assuming things, and then after a while it just became easier to go with the flow, as they say. The Chopstick Chignon and Qingpao Qicanery are thus easily explicable as just so much overcompensating.” –SecretMargo

“I’ll take a break from my general crankiness to point out that just about every male character in A3G looks exactly alike. Sandy hair, indistinguishable features, bland, bland, bland. ‘Alan — I’ll miss you most of all — if I could tell you apart from the lunch counter guy.'” –fizzy logic

“Is Curtis’ dad a Foob, or what? His wife is telling him her whole family hates his chain-smoking, rap-hating guts and all HE hears is ‘blah blah blah Other boyfriends, Blah blah blah.’ At least he’s not dying of lung cancer or I-hate-rap cancer.” –dreadedcandiru2

“The smug batter from Central looks like a young George ‘Superman’ Reeves, only in better shape. And by a young George Reeves, I mean 42.” –John C Fremont

“Man, only Mark Trail could take such seemingly dull elements as bird-watching, airport expansion, and bureaucratic zoning and make them … actually even more boring than that sounds.” –GG

“FC: Jeffy has never looked this closely at Dolly before. ‘It’s more a snout than a nose, really. Fascinating.'” –Old Bean

“I admit that I have only been following Rex Morgan via this blog. Usually, serial comics move so slowly that you only need to read every third one to understand what’s happening anyway. But RMMD’s current plot is so convoluted that I’ve just given up trying to understand it. I’ve now accepted that it’s just some sort of surrealist commentary on modern life. A woman makes threatening phone calls! A man sits in ice cream! A lady attends a board meeting in a cheongsam!” –Rooser the Bruiser

“Y’know, I still haven’t heard a good reason why the local paper in Mark Trail apparently runs articles about which journalists are in town and what articles they plan on writing. Perhaps it was a puff piece, something like ‘Severe Autism Doesn’t Hold Reporter Back’ or ‘Coming Soon — The Most Boring Article Ever’ or even ‘Famous Face-Puncher Visits Airport’? Because if that’s what counts as a major story in that town, they desperately need a good spree killing or molasses fire or SOMETHING.” –Trilobite

And hey, you know what else? We gotta thank God, our moms, and OUR ADVERTISERS! Oh yeah!

• Autumn Lake: Good old fashioned Webcomickry (from faithful reader Mooncity!). The kind of comic Mom used to make.

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