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Hey kids! It’s time for the comment of the week!

“I think ‘comfy accommodation’ is Gerald’s nickname for his penis.” –Weasel Boy

Ha! OK, that was pretty gross, but still. And here are the runners up! Very funny!

“I also like how Mark has to stop working to think about the eyehook, but Rusty has to continue. Ha-Ha! Rusty is stuck working while Mark sits and ‘thinks!'” –fizzy logic

“Only to Mary would someone holding their hand up in the back-off position while saying they need SOLITUDE register in her mind as ‘please hold my hand.'” –Maughta

“Batiuk proves himself to be as bad at writing political comics as he is at humor. He should stick to what he does best, killing and maiming people.” –reader-who-posts

“This is really making me miss the elegant simplicity of the dognapping storyline. I don’t know who Mark can possibly punch out here. He won’t punch Cherry, and punching the hook won’t satisfy me the way his punching those dognappers provided me with satisfaction.” –King Folderol

“I was going to post to say I’m going on a hunger strike until Vera is written out of MW, but then I realized I’ve never seen Mary or any other character actually eating anything. I guess she subsides on the misery of others.” –Tats

“…and Cherry’s world-class obtuseness, demonstrated as she claws her face: ‘That’s hard to believe … he was your friend!’ And a REAL friend would have died for real! And stayed dead!” –O’Fogeyette

“Hugh Avery and Rich-Man’s-Girlfriend/Wife/Whatever appear to be the EXACT SAME PERSON. Isn’t Hugh the Rich Man’s son? That is some creepy shizzle right there, my friends.” –Kronkina

“Mary is actually correcting Vera’s sorry attempt at throwing the Charterstone gang sign. It appears to involve devil horns. Is anyone surprised?” –bintgoddess.com

“I bet Gerald will make it as far as 3rd base, but that’s only 2nd base in US currency.” –Mighty Sam

“I would also just like to point out that, looking back over the full-color strips of the past few days, April has changed her shirt and pants three times in as many hours. Anyone that cannot commit to a fashion concept isn’t ready for more hands-on activities. That’s just common sense.” –Chat Noir

“MT: … and, and — and those word balloons — now he’s just plastering them randomly like sticky notes on a refrigerator. Like a refrigerator filled with talking potatoes.” –John C Fremont

“Luann: ‘E-dress’? ‘B-friend’? I’m sorry, no T-ager talks like that. I call B-shit.” –Skullturf Q. Beavispants

“This is nearly the quintessential Mark Trail: Meticulously rendered animals and landscape, mutant humanoids, stilted dialog punctuated by exclamation points in balloons that randomly point to things that should never speak. The only things it would need to be perfect are Mark uttering ‘What th’?’ while delivering a right hook to some guy with sideburns.” –Pendragon

“Suggested new title for this strip: They’ll Do It Every Time During The Eisenhower Administration.” –Plinko Commie

“I fear you’ll regret that premature statement when Spider-Man fails miserably in his attempt to thwart the kidnapping (after all, he’s facing a limo driver) but is ultimately rescued by the newest superhero in town: Falling Brick.” –DaveyK

“Plugger youth know fractions? How disillusioning.” –Smokin’ Grassroots

“See, this is the beauty of the Spider-Man strip, summed up in a single panel: there is not one single person in that entire universe who is even marginally competent at anything they do. Drivers lose control of their cars for no reason, buildings are mostly made out of loosely-stacked bricks, superheroes spend most of their time watching TV. Quite frankly, it’s a miracle that no one there drowns while trying to eat soup.” –Trilobite

“At this point, April may be the only sympathetic character in the strip, and I can only wait eagerly for vampires to kill the rest of the Pattersons and set April off on her life-long mission of vengeance.” –vanya

“I find it almost reassuring that Mark’s rug is still hanging on the wall — my worldview would be shaken to its very core if the Trail household suddenly had remotely sane design sense.” –Kyorosuke

“April is still my favorite FOOB character next to Mr. Hoffenfluffer, the rabbit. Maybe that’s not his name, but the point is the rabbit doesn’t annoy me much.” –PeteMoss

“Normally one only sees jazz hands in a comic in two situations: 4Evah & Eva concerts or Tommie Thompson pleasuring herself with a copy of Cosmo. Seeing Warren fly through the air doing jazz hands should mean that the technique is officially over.” –Dingo

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Mary Worth, 4/1/07

Ah, a Charterstone pool party! Always a nexus of pettiness and backhanded sniping, and always an excellent opportunity for Professor Chinbeard to make an ass out of himself. Usually he achieves this goal by insulting people behind their backs or attacking those who dare to show an ounce of compassion for others, but he’s more than happy to blatantly ogle the troubled, mousy new girl in front of his wife if that’s what it takes. It’s a good thing he wore his sexiest rust-colored leisure suit and inky black shirt for the occasion!

It’s hard to know what’s going on in Vera’s head, since she’s so impossibly subdued and guarded, but I’m guessing it’s something like, “Yep, this is exactly what I was afraid this scene was going to be like.”

Mark Trail, 4/1/07

Meanwhile, Mark Trail is either very, very high, or about four years old. This is the only explanation I can offer for what we see here today. “Did you know … SUNSPOTS! They make … pretty girls in bikinis … and planes and dolphins and whales OUT OF CONTROL! And then the pelican made a big hurricane … WHOOOSH. That’s why we built this huge crystal rocket ship in Washington, D.C.! WE’RE GOING TO THE SUN TO FIGHT THE SUNSPOTS! HOORAY!”

The Phantom, 4/1/07

Hmm, it looks like “DePaul & Ryan,” who’ve been drawing the daily Phantom for a while now, have taken over the Sunday duties from Graham Nolan. It’s too bad, as I’ve been a fan of Nolan’s work in this setting, but now he’ll have more energy to lavish on June Morgan’s breasts (he’s the RMMD artist too). Anyway, today’s new adventure belies the notion that Bangalla is a happy, healthy post-colonial democracy. People walking with a suitcase at night, in the same neighborhood as the presidential palace? They must be … suspects! Some quality time down at the police station with a rubber hose will loosen their tongues and establish exactly why we should be suspicious of them!

Also today, a couple of throwaway panels of note:

Panel from For Better Or For Worse, 4/1/07

If you looked at this in your paper today and recoiled in horror but then consoled yourself by saying, “Well, at least nobody recorded this and then uploaded the MP3 to the official FBOFW site,” then I’m about to shatter your world of complacency into countless shards of anguish (note: don’t click this link unless you want to explain to anyone within earshot why you’re listening to FBOFW-themed “rock” music).

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 4/1/07

It may not be menacing as such, but it’s at least a little disturbing to see Joey and Dennis contemplate the tempting target that is Mr. Wilson’s enormous ass.

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Spider-Man, 3/31/07

You may have missed Friday’s thrilling Spider-Man, in which the fake Mrs. Spider-Man attempted to escape from the back seat of her captor’s car! So, thrill to this installment in which … she … is … put back into the car by her captor. This, combined with my rage earlier this week at similar non-developments, has brought about an epiphany: just about everything that happens in Spider-Man happens only to slow down the action of the strip. It’s all an endless delaying action, making the big payoff we’re going to get that much more exciting. I’ve been reading this feature daily for something like three years now, so I can tell you that said payoff had better be really good.

Panel three: Spidey, you got clocked by a brick and you’re just now wondering if this whole “spider-sense” thing isn’t a load of bunk?

Pluggers, 3/31/07

Just when you think that the whole “anthropomorphic and non-anthropomorphic animals uneasily sharing narrative space” scenario can’t get any more unsettling, you get today’s paean to involuntary sterilization. For obvious reasons, I try not to pay too close attention to the various family relationships among the horrifying bipedal beasts of Pluggers, so I can’t say for sure if the dog and the Chicken-Lady are kin or just acquaintances, but I think what really makes this panel disturbing is the look of mortal terror on the face of the li’l pup contrasted with heavy-lidded indifference of his feathered captor.

Would it make me an evil chardonnay-swilling elitist if I suggested that actual plugger litter control is a crude, hand-scrawled sign that reads “FREE PUPPIES,” which you put on a pole in the middle of your dog-feces-laden yard? What, it would? Oh, OK then, I won’t … what, I already said it? Damn it.

Beetle Bailey, 3/31/07

Wow, who knew that painting your own porch furniture was something that somehow lowered one’s prestige, and that, more generally, the elite of our military’s officer corps lives in a fishbowl in which every action that they and their spouses take is judged by neighbors and passersby? Who should be painting a general’s chairs? A crew of enemy combatants, on loan from Gitmo?

Family Circus, 3/31/07

“I’m helping her too, Jeffy! I’m masturbating to Internet pornography because I know that cleaning leaves her too tired to perform her marital duties. Oh, and let me borrow one of those shirts, while you’re handing them out.”