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Archie, 10/2/07

Huh, the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 seems to have put the wrong dialogue into today’s cartoon. Here, let me fix that:

Panel one, Miss Gundy: You feel that our school has singularly failed to inculcate any sort of moral sense into our student body? That we are training an army of sociopaths?

Panel one, Mr. Weatherbee: Indeed! What is it that has hollowed out their spirits from the inside, leaving them only fit to be alternately victims and tormentors in life’s theater of cruelty?

Panel two: [A sickening crunch as Archie’s kneecap fractures, leaving him with a limp that will linger the rest of his life.]

Panel three, Mr. Weatherbee: Perhaps we shouldn’t have painted every wall in the school a blindingly bright white. We sought to inculcate spiritual purity, but instead we created the illusion of a yawning void that reflects the emptiness of the students’ souls!

Gasoline Alley, 10/2/07

When last we left this feature, Slim’s insane meteor plot had landed him in an actual mental hospital. Soon afterwards, his clinician choose to follow an unorthodox treatment regime — sending him and Clovia to the beach — and Skeezix, who is the father of one (possibly both? who knows?) of them, had to take over at the garage and deal with their surly employee, who went out on a call and then vanished. In this strip’s newly found rhythm of veering from dull to insane as the plot develops, Skeezix has tracked the missing mechanic to this creepy old house, which is probably inhabited by a family of inbred murderers wearing human skin suits, or a passageway to the plane of damned souls, or something similarly bizarre. The harrowing adventures in this hell-house will of course cut back and forth to and from the dialect-heavy hillbilly antics of Rufus and Joel, who Skeezix left in charge of the garage.

Spider-Man, 10/2/07

Oh, Spider-Man! Is there any hero in the pantheon of American comics tougher and more noble than you? Spidey and his wife have decided to flee Los Angeles for the safer climes of Manhattan; they’ve been driven out of the city of angels by the twin scourges of the Shocker (a “super” villain whose “super” powers mainly consist of a crippling inferiority complex and vibrating gloves he built in his basement metal shop) and an army of amateur paparazzi. But now he faces his greatest challenge yet: heavy traffic on the 405! Obviously it’s worth Peter Parker betraying his secret identity if that’s what it takes to get to the airport on time; after all, air travel between LA and New York is incredibly sporadic, and if Peter and Mary Jane don’t make their flight, clinging to the landing gear like it’s the last helicopter out of Saigon if need be, they could be trapped in Los Angeles indefinitely.

Gil Thorp, 10/2/07

Uh-oh, Howard looks like he’s about to prove that wearing Buddy Holly glasses and being named “Howard” doesn’t automatically make you smart. It’s well known that the Internet primarily exists as a vehicle for anonymous personal abuse. Googling the name of a crappy high school quarterback who plays in a town unnaturally obsessed with high school sports will mainly serve to demonstrate how many ways there are to misspell “YOU FUCKING SUCK.”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/1/07

Let’s leave aside for a moment the cringe-inducing and increasingly intrusive pederastic vibe that the Rex-Niki relationship is giving off. Even if we pretend none of that is happening (LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU), the text is quite amusing enough even without its subtext. Surly Dr. Morgan, who can barely be bothered to rescue his ex-nanny, practice medicine, be nice to his wife, or acknowledge his daughter, now suddenly is all excited about standing waist-deep in freezing water and gutting a fish? I have to imagine that this burst of activity is springing out of Rex’s infinitely deep well of self-hatred: maybe Green Lumberjack Shirt Rex, mentor to Young Urchin Niki, will like himself! This whole project seems so blatantly destined for disaster that I can barely contain my excitement. Presumably after about twenty minutes Niki will freak out because he’s having Katrina flooding flashbacks, and the overpowering stench of mothballs will drive away all the fish, so Rex will tell Niki how disappointed he is, and then they’ll drive back to the city in silence. Then it’s all over but the quiet, private weeping.

The Morgans’ previous attempt at water-based recreation didn’t go particularly well, either. And yes, Rex apparently feels the need to dress like a complete dork whenever there’s the slightest chance that he might end up in a river.

Dick Tracy, 10/1/07

Wow, it’s kind of unusual for Dick Tracy to shy away from showing us a scene of unspeakable carnage like this; admittedly, the strip’s gaze is sadistically lingering on the poor Baron’s shock and grief, but that’s subtle stuff when compared with the mangled bodies that are this feature’s stock in trade. Perhaps Dick’s descriptions can grow increasingly graphic over the course of the week. “…and there are bits of bone and viscera everywhere … they’ll need a firehose to get it off front steps of the Capitol …”

For Better Or For Worse, 10/1/07

Ah, life’s great cycle, told in FBOFW’s new achronological style. Panel five depicts the moment when Deanna’s creative spirit was last allowed full expression, before her stifling mother began the job of dampening it; the first three panels depict the snuffing of its final embers, as a smirking Michael goads their children to ensure that she’ll never have a moment of self-reflection that might lead to her escape.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/1/07

Yet another Curmudgeon reader gets TDIET props! Devin Wilger of Saskatchewan is none other than faithful reader Citric, and I’ll let him describe the panel in his own words:

Basically, the strip is inspired by my father (and, to a lesser extent, me) … [my father] has since surpassed anything I was annoyed with before and fell off a building, and broke his nose, in separate incidents, and didn’t go to the doctor after either one. And yet, if my mom has something bothering her, he does insist she go.

It’s sort of creepy to see my dad depicted as my wife though. I’ll say that right now.

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This week’s comment of the week is brought to you by … you! Well, more specifically, by one of you.

“I’m pretty sure Eric and Nora were actually discussing Family Matters. I’m guessing the conversation went something like this: ‘Say, did Urkel have a catchphrase?’ ‘What do you mean, Eric?’ ‘I mean, all one-note black sitcom stars have always had a catchphrase, right? You know, something like Whatchoo Talkin’ ’Bout or Dy-No-Mite! So Urkel MUST have had one, but for the life of me I can’t figure out what it was.’ ‘Hmmm, maybe his inimitable voice was a sort of a play on the idea of a catchphrase?’ ‘No, he must have had … Margo — I didn’t hear you arrive!'” –jakester

But that’s not all! There are also hilarious runners-up!

“I don’t know what’s more delicious about today’s strip: the fact that Margo’s thought balloon is so stilted, or the fact that Tim labels his journal like he’s a 12-year-old girl.” –King Folderol

“I’m glad Eric has learned the lesson that was drummed into me while living in Manhattan: Never, ever, lock your front door.” –Mad Dog Rackham

“Based on the placement of the Washington Monument in the background, I would guess Gretchen is about to run up the steps of the national headquarters of the Daughters of the American Revolution and plant her bomb. What in the heck does she have against them? ‘I’ll teach them to have a display of Amish quilts!'” –smacky

“I think that the Mary Worth is symbolism. It symbolizes Drew being a huge prick. Who was thinking with his dick. And probably has to masturbate from now on.” –Lord-z

“Just so we can keep this never-ending series of angry departure scenes going, I’d like to see the ghostly figure of Drew’s super-ego separate itself from the rest of the good doctor, make come cutting remark (‘Really, Cory, you are such a douche!’) and then speed off in some little phantom car. Next week: Super-ego catches up with Dawn and cons her into some meaningless revenge sex.” –JamesinMaine

“Dawn found me and Vera at… Y’know, Dad, you’re not making this any easier by snuggling with Mary while I’m talking. No, seriously, knock it off. You’re skeevin’ me out.” –The Spectacular Spider-Brick

“I get the summer activities that are portrayed here: surfing, volleyball and suntanning. What I don’t get is why Veronica’s activity — smoking giant doobies and sniffing glue while wearing a Zorro mask — is limited to summer. It seems like that could be fun all year long.” –Darkefang

“Panel two [of Gil Thorp]: If anyone can tell me what the hell is going on here I will give them a dollar.” –Moon Mullins

“What’s more striking to me about Shoe is the omenous half-shading of the Perfesser in the second panel. He looks like he should be saying, ‘How many would the mayor serve … you know, if I slaughtered him and roasted his flesh.'” –JPool

“When I read about the new, ‘timeless’ semi-retirement mode of FBoFW, I assumed it would just start being like the other comics on the page where nobody ever ages or changes or graduates from high school. I didn’t expect this kind of bizarre, disorienting, Bil-Keane-meets-Billy-Pilgrim experiment in nonlinear narrative.” –Hip Young Urban Plugger

“Mary Worth may move at a glacial pace but it befits the cold, cool iciness of what should be her heart.” –Dingo

“Remember this moment. It’s the moment where Drew realizes that he will never have an erection again for the rest of his life.” –Eleusis

“MT: I think (*shudder*) I can explain the blue ducklings. Okay — see the color of Homer’s shirt? That’s right. He’s the father. This … explains … so much.” –Gold-Digging Nanny

“The Bum Boat’s decor looks like a hurricane blew a strip-mall Red Lobster all the way back to 1977, where it crashed directly into some dentist’s waiting room. So basically, I can’t think of a better place for Drew to sit and watch his dad mack on Mary Worth while moaning about losing both Dawn and Vera in the space of a single afternoon.” –Trilobite

Also! Faithful reader Godzooky offers this vision: Cassandra Cat takes Manhattan! Or, slightly more accurately, his Cassandra Cat mug takes its place within view of the Manhattan Bridge.

More Bob Weber, Jr.-designed Cassandra Cat items are available from the Comics Curmudgeon store, including, God help me, thongs. I’ve only received pics of mugs and babies so far, so I’m definitely looking for some visions of Curmudgeon readers in some of the clothing that they’ve purchased! But not the thongs. Please, God, not the thongs.

And hey! What week would be complete without a little love for our advertisers?

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