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Apartment 3-G, 6/15/06

Yeah, cause the guy I want to get my art criticism from is the clean-cut white guy who shows up at the hipster Manhattan art opening in a bad electric blue three-piece suit.

Is that what this storyline is going to be about? That when artists hang out with beatniks and bohemians their art goes to crap in the eyes of squares like Squarey McCleancut here and, well, Lu Ann? Because that’s going to be frickin’ hilarious.

The Phantom, 6/15/06

Not to minimize the Phantom’s sneaking-up-on-bad-guys skills, but this is pretty clearly the lamest group of terrorists in the history of terrorism. “Waaaaah! Waaaaah! They don’t have the desert I like! Boo hoo!” What’s next — is the big purple guy going to interrupt two guards as they fight over who gets the special pillow?

That being said, the Phantom’s witty comeback — “Guess that puts us in conflict!” — is pretty stilted as superhero catchphrases go. I think he should just stick to punching people.

Crankshaft, 6/15/06

So as soon as I figured out that yes, the current Crankshaft storyline really does involve Crankshaft enslaving a group of old ladies to do his gardening, I started really enjoying it. Check out the look of remorseless cruelty on the old bastard’s face in the second panel, and the look of sheer terror on the old lady furthest to the right. Yessir, that’s light-hearted comics page fare right there. Yep.

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For Better Or For Worse, 6/14/06

Oh, c’mon, Jim, forget this “dividing your ashes” stuff: why not just dig up Marian, bring her back to Ontario, get a place with Iris, and then: yowza! Posthumous three-way!

OK, that was in poor taste. But I had to do something to distract myself from Iris’ grim, death-like visage in the final panel. I mean, Jesus, it looks like she’s ready to drag him off to the underworld right now.

Family Circus, 6/14/06

Ignoring the weird jingoism of this panel for the moment, I have to ask: what the hell are these two watching? Is it the Pictures Of Rocks Against A Blank Background With A Little Folded Index Card For A Label Channel? The ticker across the top of the screen would seem to indicate that they’re watching a cable news station of some sort, but surely there’s an attractive white woman missing somewhere that could preempt this crap.

Anyway, Billy, you just wait until Operation Martian Freedom is launched sometime in late 2007. Then you could can buy your space rocks without adding to America’s trading deficit, because we’ll own Mars’ shiny red space ass.

Shoe, 6/14/06

Holy crap, did the crazy roller-skating bird from Shoe just get propositioned? I’m so stunned by this development that I can’t even work up the energy to feel sorry for him because he screwed it up.

Get Fuzzy, 6/14/06

See, this is why we all love Satchel. Because when he wants you to be appear on a game show that he invents, he hand-delivers a formal invitation. In a sealed envelope.

I’m intrigued by Rob’s claim to be a “grown-up.” I’m not convinced, based on the evidence I’ve seen.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 6/14/06

TDIET takes time out from its usual fare — which is to say the insane, petty rantings of octogenarians — to illuminate the deep structural problems in America’s health care system. This is material so politically charged that usually only Rex Morgan dares to handle it, but TDIET discusses the crisis in its own trademark fashion: by ending with “Oh, yeah!”

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Momma, 6/13/06

I think if Samuel Beckett were to write a comic about the meaningless empty void at the heart of a lonely, embittered old woman, it would look something like this. He’d leave out the reaction shot in the third panel, though; Momma’s depressing hobbies speak for themselves.

Dennis the Menace, 6/13/06

While appreciate the fact that Dennis is annoying Mr. Wilson with some 50 Cent or Korn or whatever the hell it is kids listen to today to annoy old people, and the fact that Joey is continuing to wear that incomprehensible pink belly shirt, I have to say that after some exhaustive research I’ve come to the conclusion that this panel contains no jokes of any kind. Ignoring for the moment the fact that nobody actually calls it “kids’ music”, the sentence is set up so that it seems like “drives grownups crazy” is supposed to be some play on words, despite the fact that it so clearly is not. Instead, Dennis is just saying “We like music that they don’t!” Mr. Wilson should punch him.

Mary Worth, 6/13/06

“I have to hand it to you Kelly! Living with a knife-wielding stab-frenzied maniac like me! I know it isn’t easy!”

Seriously, I hate to call for a savage knife attack, but it’s the only thing that would liven this up. She’s got one too — maybe they can manage to kill each other off, Hamlet-style.

Hi and Lois, 6/13/06

Note to Hi and Lois: if you draw your punchline and then have to have a character explain it, it’s probably time for a rethink.

In Finger Quotin’ Margo news, it looks like even Hollywood superstars are trying to get in on the action. Check out the video below; around the thirty second mark, you’ll see Britney Spears perpetrate the most misguided finger quotes in the history of television journalism.

(This is the first time I’ve tried to put one of these YouTube thingies on my site, so let me know if it causes something to go horribly wrong.)