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They’ll Do It Every Time, 8/2/06

Some might say that my incessant fawning over TDIET has left me without any kind of credibility when it comes to this feature. I’m just some sort of TDIET cheerleader! Well, today I’m here to tell you that it just isn’t so. See, today’s installment of this usually totally awesome panel undermines exactly what makes it totally awesome. Generally, the patented TDIET twist involves the same person or people or institution: it’s like, Titus notices shoddy work, but not the tip jar! or hospitals have too many bureaucrats and not enough health care providers! or the Pestleys insist that other people be clean, even though they’re messy! Today we’d have the perfect opportunity for that favorite TDIET theme, in which some happy, naive person believes that some aspect of life is basically good, only to be disabused of that notion in some shattering way — except that it only works if the person in the hospital is the same person watching the TV! Instead, our red-headed lady is going to go through life believing that doctors are great and attentive, and our poor patient has never had his hopes about medical care raised so as to be dashed in a narratively pleasing way. Presumably this discrepancy arises because the artist is too gentlemanly to draw an injured woman in a hospital gown, and too sexist to imagine that a man might watch soap operas.

Gil Thorp, 8/2/06

Say, have you ever wanted to see a comic strip where a little girl punches another little girl in the face? Well, today’s Gil Thorp is for you, my friend.

I thankfully don’t have any seven-to-ten year olds that I need to shuttle back and forth to gymnastics practice, so maybe somebody can tell me if gymnastics coaches actually wear form-fitting spandex leotards to work. And are sexy, sexy ladies.

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Marmaduke, 8/1/06

You ever think that maybe male poodles (who by my guess make up about half the poodle population) get tired of the poodle being the epitome of sexy cartoon dog femininity? It’s not their fault if they have to have the girly haircuts. On the other hand, how do I know that all these randy dogs lined up on the couch are boy dogs looking for some lady dog tail? This could be a big doggie buffet of canine polymorphous perversion. I saw a dog hump an ottoman once, so they can’t really be that discriminating.

Dick Tracy, 8/1/06

Al Kinda, who so far has proved to be al Qaeda’s most incompetent terrorist mastermind, manages to pull off something special in panel two: history’s longest-distance pistol-whipping. Seriously, I don’t think that Capitol cop got within ten feet of that gun. Maybe after the Cynthia McKinney incident, the Capitol Police are all just taking a dive whenever anyone swings something cell-phone sized at them, just to keep the media circus to a minimum. Or maybe Kinda’s wacky outfits have something to do with his abilities to work spooky Levantine magic.

Get Fuzzy, 8/1/06

Considering this is Bucky, he’s being remarkably thoughtful by doing it in the bathroom. More than I can say for some rubber-band eating cats I know and live with.

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Mark Trail, 7/31/06

Is there anything more delightful than seeing Kelly Welly repeatedly throw herself in the path of killer grizzlies as part of an ill-conceived plot to advance her career and/or bed a rugged outdoorsman — any rugged outdoorsman? Well, maaybe Mark describin the situation with a sentence that would never spontaneously come out of the mouth of any under the age of 85. We could spend the rest of the summer in a continuous Kelly-does-something-foolish/gets-menaced-by-bears/gets-rescued-by-Mark-and/or-Rick/gets-yelled-at-by-Mark/makes-eyes-at-Rick-and/or-Mark loop and I would still be a happy guy.

Mary Worth, 7/31/06

Speaking of delightful: I don’t have much to say about today’s Mary Worth, except that today’s second panel might be one of the most pleasing Mary Worth panels in many a moon. The only way it could be better would be if she actually hurled her grocery bags into the air, with fruit, cinnamon, and flour flying everywhere — but still, we’ve got Mary shouting “AAUGH!” and radiating panic lines as a bow-tied Aldo Kelrast appears out of nowhere, so let’s not look gift horses in the mouth! In fact, let’s all bathe in the comforting glow of its pleasingness:

Aaaaahhhh.

Luann, 7/31/06

Just FYI, “couples retreat” is code for “swingers convention.”