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Judge Parker, 12/2/06

It’s been repeatedly noted by many of you that the whole Randy-Parker-runs-for-judge story line in Judge Parker (which insanely enough has been brewing along in one form or another since October of 2005) has featured a lot of hue and cry over something that nobody anywhere cares about — which is to say, an election for judge. I like to consider myself a fairly informed voter — I actually spent some time this year volunteering for a candidate for the state legislature, not exactly a high-profile office — and I have never, ever encountered a judicial election in which I understood the issues or personalities involved in the least. But I was willing to cut all the improbable campaign antics in Judge Parker a bit of slack: after all, everyone we’ve seen talking about the election was actually involved in one of the campaigns, and those people always care a great deal about what they’re doing, even if nobody else does.

But as Reggie, his inept consigliere Roy, and drunken, vomitous wife Celeste hit the media scrum and the courthouse today, I officially stopped suspending my disbelief. The only reason these TV reporters would be there to cover Reggie Black filing his papers would be if the people of Judge Parker live not in modern America, but in some other civilization, where judges are actually the absolute rulers. The only such society I know of is that of the ancient Hebrews, before Samuel anointed Saul king and set up a monarchy. So there you have it, folks: despite what the clothes and buildings might imply, Judge Parker takes place in Old Testament times. Raju was actually a visiting Tyrian. Mimi’s “Eon” cult was actually a nest of Ba’al worshippers. Neddy and Sophie are actually slaves that Sam captured in battle against the Moabites. And pretty soon we’re going to come see the Philistines burn the down the entire city, which should be pretty awesome.

The other possibility is that the press is all there to cover some sensational gangland triple-homicide trial, and that Reggie is actually being totally sincere in panel two.

One Big Happy, 12/2/06

“Yeah, Ruthie, ever since you and Joe came along, your father and I don’t get to go Mattressland much anymore.”

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Marmaduke, 12/1/06

Have you ever noticed that Marmaduke is allowed to just wander aimlessly around the streets of wherever it is that he lives, more or less unmolested by the long arm of the law? Today we may be learning why: he keeps homeless people from sleeping on the benches of this bucolic suburban town. Don’t listen to him, Marmaduke! Everyone knows the hobos keep old, stale bits of food in their beards for safekeeping! Keep rooting around in there!

The Phantom, 12/1/06

I’d love to see exactly what those resumes look like. “Longtime lackey seeking situation as assistant to thuggish crime lord. Skills include simpering, dodging shoes and crockery thrown in anger, Microsoft Office. References: Unfortunately all in prison and/or incinerated.”

Slylock Fox, 12/1/06

Good lord, can’t these kids engage in a little bit of childish fun — like lowering a head-sized slice of cake down from a treehouse — without every carbon-based form of life in the neighborhood staring at them with blank, expressionless faces? I’d be pretty creeped out if I were them. The dude with his nose over the top of the fence is particularly disturbing.

Crankshaft, 12/1/06

Crankshaft proves that, like its sister strip Funky Winkerbean, it too can bring the gut-churning bleakness. I love the expressions in the second panel: Everyone, particularly the young alterna-teen, seems angry and humiliated by the ‘shaft’s antics, and the old coot’s own face indicates that he’s all too aware that his own family mainly sees him as an embarrassment. This should be a fun dinner. The only bright spot is the hostess, who appears to have been charmed Crankshaft’s little joke. Maybe this is the first time she’s heard it, which means that she’s probably been working there for less than forty-five minutes.

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Say, let’s catch up on what’s going on in some of the serial strips I’ve been neglecting, shall we?

Mary Worth, 11/30/06

In Mary Worth, Ella is giving psychic marital advice to 1944 and ’48 Republican presidential candidate Thomas Dewey.

Gil Thorp, 11/30/06

In Gil Thorp, Bill Ritter has done some sort of grievous harm to himself with a chainsaw, possibly involving the loss of a limb. But the important is that now Stormy Hicks is a real hero.

Gasoline Alley, 11/30/06

In Gasoline Alley, Walt, in what may or may not be some elaborate metaphor for his death and/or apotheosis, has been hanging out at the “Old Comics Home”, and having a high old time of it — until today, when he encountered the terrifying, heroin-addled, twelve-foot-tall puppet-beast they have tied up in the back room.

The Phantom, 11/30/06

And in The Phantom, the-Ghost-Who-Is-Clever caused a villain-killing plane crash with the power … of psychology!

Which is kind of a shitty superpower, when it comes right down to it.

But it’s still better than anything Spider-Man’s got.