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Dick Tracy, 3/5/25

“You telling me this guy died poor or alone, or maybe under strange circumstances so his family doesn’t know he’s dead and can’t claim him? Sounds like a real piece of human garbage to me. Shame he’s dead so I can’t kill him. I take consolation in the fact that I can still shoot him.”

Mother Goose and Grimm, 3/5/25

I kind of like the fact that the older bird-ladies of Mother Goose and Grimm have tenuous boyfriends rather than being honestly married. Sure, they’re playing the field, but they’re not going to get tied down to a guy if he sucks. And these guys suck, is the joke in like every single strip about them.

Archie, 3/5/25

Check out how genuinely stricken Mr. Weatherbee looks in the third panel here. He really could’ve died! Ms. Beazley’s food is extremely dangerous!

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Slylock Fox, 3/4/25

They called Count Weirdly mad at Oxford, of course, and the Medical Sciences Interdivisional Research Ethics Committee repeatedly sanctioned him. But he’s shown them now, or I guess he would have shown them, if they all hadn’t been violently killed in the great animal uprising that wiped out most of the human race. Oxford is run by owls or something these days, but he’d like to think that, if any of his old nemeses were still around, they would understand that in this horrifying new world there just isn’t the luxury to muse on medical ethics the way there used to be. And with so few humans left alive, could anyone really fault him for trying to build a new one, as a friend? It’s not like there’s any shortage of corpses to use as raw materials.

Pardon My Planet, 3/4/25

But … you’re the one buying the pie, cow! I really don’t want to think about why this scenario involves cows wearing shirts and shopping in human grocery stores, or why a cow might assume that products made from cow’s milk can render dishes “sanitary,” and thank goodness that I don’t have to, because I have this basic bit of storybuilding to get hung up on instead. If you think the pie is unsanitary, why are you buying it? You’re standing in the checkout line, there’s nobody else there, you clearly picked it out and are now buying it!

Beetle Bailey, 3/4/25

Beetle is … dead, right? He’s not there, they’re putting a memorial plaque above his bed, he’s clearly dead. RIP Beetle Bailey, 1950-2025, you will be missed, to a certain extent.

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Mary Worth, 3/3/25

Big news, everybody: Wilbur’s back! Wilbur’s back, and he’s giggling coyly about the fun he’s been having on the Mayan Riviera. It’s funny, you’d think that after 20 years following this guy’s antics there wouldn’t be anything new he could say that on the surface seems largely unobjectionable but nevertheless sends me spiraling into a seething episode in which I curse the sea for rejecting him not once but twice. And yet here I am, starting my week staring “It was fun and relaxing… Hee hee!” in the face, and not liking it.

Dick Tracy, 3/3/25

Folks … big news … a third nephew has hit this Dick Tracy storyline. We are going to be treated to nephew after nephew, each more lightweight and gormless than the last, until we’re all nephew’d out.

Judge Parker, 3/3/25

Hey, remember how Sophie made Ann’s murder charge go away by hacking into drone footage and proving she didn’t do it? Well, everyone got a nice little thrill from that lovely moment, but it’s too bad that other exoneration drones weren’t following her around over her last couple decades of petty scams and whatnot because she’s definitely going to jail for that. Honestly kind of mean of the cops to let her have a big emotional moment out here on the courthouse steps just so they could arrest her and extradite her moments later.

Gil Thorp, 3/3/25

Hey, were you wondering how Marty’s drinking binge was going? Well, panel three has it all wrapped up in a nutshell: wild eyes, his hair long and greasy, his goatee subsumed into a shaggy beard, his usual polo shirts traded for some kind of vintage fur-lined coat. Honestly, he looks great. This is the coolest he’s looked in years. This is not the lesson we should be teaching our kids.

Pickles, 3/3/25

Ha ha! That’s funny, man. So, are you, uh, are you going to change the furnace filter or what.