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Hi and Lois, 7/31/22

OK, guys, I’m about to go all Pluggers here, but do you (for values of “you” that are as old as I am or older) remember those ads for Heinz gravy that had a tagline about how it was just like homemade, but with “no lumps”? I never understood that line as a kid, but I guess the point is that was as tasty as homemade but, since it had been produced in a gleaming factory rather than by a person in their kitchen like in olden times, it was free of any imperfections, a fully liquid nutritive slurry that slides down your gullet with ease. Anyway, based on Trixie’s line, I … guess this is kind of the joke here? “Ha ha, it’s just like a classic experience you thought you were going to have, but without an annoying part,” except the innovation here is not the industrial production of processed foods but rather the picnic table? It’s either that or we’re supposed to laugh about how Dot thought they were going to eat a picnic and then Lois felt a need to explain how they’re actually just eating at a table in their own backyard for four panels, which is kind of funny, but not “ha ha” funny.

Marvin, 7/31/22

Say what you will about Marvin, but there’s no question about what the joke is today: the joke is that Marvin is going to eat a truly bizarre and disgusting collection of food, and then, in a few hours, he’s going to expel the waste products from that food into his diaper and it will be both more disgusting than how it went in and more disgusting than his usual poops. That’s the joke! The joke is about his nasty shits. Thanks for “yuck”ing it up with Marvin for the past 40 years! (“Yuck” is a joke there because it’s used as a synonym for laughing but also is a noise you make when you experience visceral disgust; as long as you do one of those things, this strip has succeeded.)

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Mary Worth, 7/30/22

It honestly hasn’t been the greatest week for the comics this week, but I absolutely started hooting and hollering when Mary, bristiling in boldfaced type, said that “No, Jared, I don’t know how it feels to be disrespected.” You’re (relatively) new here, Jared, so you maybe you don’t know this, but when some sort of disrespect happens in a relationship involving Mary Worth, that disrespect only goes in one direction: away from Mary and towards the other person. Cruising a guy at his mother’s funeral or having a vacaton fling with a Broadway star, even though you’re already in a relationship: that’s something Mary did to her boyfriend, not something that was done to her. Never something that was done to her. One man — one man — dared to act disrespectful to Mary, romantically, and we all know how he ended up (dead). So you need to take a step back, Jared, Mary is not like you!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/30/22

“You’re an American, Tildy! You’re going to go into that hospital and die and then go bankrupt, just like everybody else.”

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FOLKS! This month’s Internet Read Aloud is happening in a mere seven days, in the city of Los Angeles, California! Got a fun lineup and the price literally cannot be beat (unless someone is paying you to go to their comedy show, and which seems like madness).

Here is the link to the Facebook event! Please come if you are able, I promise you’ll have a good time!

Until then, to get your comedy chuckles, you should check out the comment of the week:

“I’m glad to see Sam has brought along his framed law license and diploma, since he will need to somehow earn a living. Is he still licensed to practice? Did he get his mandatory CLE hours every year? Does he realize he may lose his security deposit if he makes holes in the wall to hang those up?” –Arabella

And your runners up are also hilarious!

“Dawn and her friend have left the diner and taken this conversation to some place more appropriate: the local middle school.” –Hibbleton

“The only way the bolded my makes sense is if they were just discussing pranks Mr. Mitchell pulled at some other age. I’m gonna guess his latest prank was coming home with a print newspaper, as part of his ongoing campaign to shame Alice for her phone addiction.” –Peanut Gallery

“Coach Purpleshirt can’t wait to crush Milford just like he’s about to crush his tiny, delicate glass of limoncello.” –reader1!

“Mary is obviously starving for inside info on the Jared/Dawn breakup, and she’s so desperate to get it that she’s willing to make the ultimate sacrifice — actually spending time with Jared. Look at her in panel one. That’s the look of a junkie in need of a fix.” –Joe Blevins

“Everyone’s already mentioned the weird asparagus/carrot hybrid (asparrot? caragus?) so I’m going to focus on the wild rice, which does not grow naturally or commercially anywhere near the hill country where the Smifs reside. Loweezy is living a lie, claiming a subsistence existence while getting all her raw ingredients delivered from Whole Foods.” –TheDiva

“You can tell that Jenny is just going through the motions because she’s googling primary schools on a waffle iron.” –pugfuggly

“The obvious choice would be to let the chili dog win. Third panel is Mr. Dithers yelling at a giant 12-foot chili dog dejectedly standing next to the water cooler.” –nescio

“‘One morning, as Dagwood Bumstead was waking up from anxious dreams, he discovered that in bed he had been changed into a monstrous chili dog. He lay on his bread-enfolded back and saw, as he lifted his head up a little, his red, meaty abdomen bulging with cow lips and hog ansues. From this height the blanket, just about ready to slide off completely, could hardly stay in place, because of the rapidly cooling mass of beans, cheap meat, congealing cheese, and sauce that covered him. His legs, pitifully thin in comparison to the rest of his circumference, flickered helplessly before his eyes. What’s happened to me, he thought. It was no dream. So, with enthusiasm but not without remorse, he began to eat.’ –Franz Kafka, The Meatamorphosis” –Voshkod

“Wow, Jared reverse-aged from, what, 52 in the first panel to 14 in the second. It must be the rejuvenative effects of … Flimmo (?) Soda and … [turns head, squints] a bag of CHIPS.” –jvwalt

“You might be a plugger if you’ve decided to try product placement, and THIS is what you came up with.” –Mysterion

“If you regret a technological innovation that is decades old, you’re a plugger trapped in a teenager body.” –Ettorre

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