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Dennis the Menace, 7/29/22

The punchline here is just supposed to be “ha ha Dennis is dumb/a child” but the arrangement of pieces on the board seems to indicate he and Mr. Wilson are pretty deep into this game considering Dennis is, what, five? Six? Maybe the comment is meant to indicate that Mr. Wilson can’t keep up with Dennis’s keen chess mastery, and Dennis is actually going to soon graduate from thrashing his elderly neighbors and move on to the high-stakes world of competitive chess, which, if the drama depicted in the The Queen’s Gambit, now streaming on Netflix, is any guide, would actually be a fairly menacing move on his part.

Dick Tracy, 7/29/22

Definitely one thing that doesn’t trigger my suspicions at all is when I am a stranger in an unusual community and a comely local lass I’ve just met offers to be my guide in showing me a mysteriously named local monument. I would fully expect to arrive at this “Fountain” and not be asked to participate in a ritual that nobody will tell me any details about, and if by chance I were asked, I feel confident that I could simply decline and receive no pushback about it. This evening is going to go great for Dick!

Hi and Lois, 7/29/22

Oh, stop whining, you two, if you want to court death to feel alive just do drugs like normal people

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Plugger, 7/28/22

I’m just a little too young to have fully participated in Tab Culture, not to brag, but … Tab Culture was all about sophisticated women who kept “tabs” on their figures, right? Gotta look good, for the sophisticated fellas you’re trying to attract? That’s sure the vibe I’m getting from this ad! Anyway, far be it for me to play a gatekeeper on Andy Bear’s inner life, but I don’t think that’s what he’s in it for. His relationship with the can he’s holding up with a grin seems to be nothing more than “Hey, it’s Tab! Remember Tab! From before?” And I feel strongly that pluggers are part of a specific cultural and socioeconomic milieu! They’re not just people born before a certain date! Sorry to be a snob about Pluggers of all things, but I know pluggers and pluggers don’t put Tab diet soda at the heart of their identities! They just don’t!!!

Mary Worth, 7/28/22

Aw man, that Mary’s still got it, if by “it” you mean the ability to craft the perfectly passive-aggressive response to the damn fools she has to deal with on a daily basis. “Hmm…” she says to Jared, ever so delicately. “And that’s something you’ve already done? Without consulting me, or perhaps someone else who could’ve advised you not to? Did you talk to your cat about it perhaps, and pretend your cat could understand you and give helpful feedback, but then you pretended your cat’s feedback just reaffirmed your desire to do this? Interesting. Interesting.”

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Blondie, 7/27/22

Man, that is a truly bone-chilling facial expression on Dagwood in the final panel. Not sure if his dream included an extended racing sequence before he had the epiphany that his opponent was edible, or if as soon as this giant 12-foot hot dog, dripping huge gobs of chili and condiments onto the ground, said, in a goofy, friendly voice, “Hey, Dag! Let’s race!” he knew how this would all end. But we too know how it must’ve ended: with him tackling the dream-creature to the ground and tearing off chunks of its flesh with his teeth, listening to it scream in agony and beg for mercy while he relentlessly ~c o n s u m e d~ the monstrosity. “Guess!” he says, as falls back into another dream where he gets to sate his appetite in the most ghastly of ways. Blondie, meanwhile, is going to be awake all night thinking about this.

Marvin, 7/27/22

Guess what, everyone! Marvin, launched on August 1, 1982, meaning that we’re just a few days short of its 40th anniversary! Unfortunately, Jenny and Jeff have finally realized that they are trapped in an eternal present where their child will always be a toddler and never learn to poop in a toilet, and their facial expressions in that second panel indicate that, armed with their new knowledge, they now have the power to simply walk away and never appear in this strip again, which means that we’re not going to quite get to 40. R.I.P. the comic strip Marvin, 1982-2022.