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So ends the 2022 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser. As much as the blog depends on its regular subscribers, it’s one-off, “drive-by” contributions from nonsubscribers that have kept The Comics Curmudgeon a sustainable project for more than eighteen years. If you enjoy this site every day but haven’t hit the Tip Jar in a while, consider doing so now. And thank you, generous readers one and all!

Dennis the Menace, 9/3/22

“Kid, did you somehow forget I’m married to Alice Mitchell? Go bother Dagwood or something.”

Menace level: pwned!

Crankshaft, 9/3/22

Hannah is smiling because she’s going to follow her boss’s instructions exactly and compress eleven years of 26 30-minute episodes each into a single 4GB MP4. Channel One viewers will be treated to 143 hours of nine flickering gray squares, accompanied by tiny squeaks every half hour or so. Sure beats the original John Darling Show!

Gil Thorp, 9/3/22

Welcome to Oreintation for the Milford School of Mines. The crew team’s Oarintation is across the hall.

With Funky and now Gil, the comics seem to be introducing their trans characters in alphabetic order; this puts Hägar‘s Hamlet (→ Ophelia, obv.) up next, followed by Dot and Ditto from Hi and Lois (they could just switch). Meanwhile, Tobias, welcome to Milford Football: what’ll it be, fullback or defensive tackle?

Lockhorns, 9/3/22

Leroy’s gut blocks the strike zone, so whether walked or hit by a pitched ball, he always reaches first. He celebrates because walks don’t hurt as much.

–Uncle Lumpy

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Dick Tracy, 9/2/22

Moon citizens have no choice whether or not to live under fascism, but they do get to pick their preferred flavor. Enjoy the wholesale militarization of society in service of external conquest? Line up behind Ro-Zan over there! Prefer the quiet suffocation of human rights under an all-powerful domestic security state? Team Thorin for you!

No matter to Dick: he’s just a cop, you guys do the executions! After all, “He who wins the war writes the history.” Or maybe, “History is written by the victors?” Dick doesn’t care; he’s just a cop: leave the quotation-mangling to Mary Worth.

Gil Thorp, 9/2/22

Speaking of mangling, remember when Gil Thorp was famous for bizarre jump-cuts between panels? No more! Now the unsettling breaks come within the panels themselves. Consider Panel 1—”They got coffee for us” : “Shouldn’t we get coffee?” : [“Uh, yeah Dad, that’s why they got it?”]. Or take Panel 2’s confusion of sarcasm with trolling. Trolling would be, “You’re bringing that nose-wart into my high school?” Panel 3 is just routine recruitment of your kid as a divorce-ally; I’ll permit it.

Mary Worth, 9/2/22

Say, it’s been over a week; let’s drop in on Jared and Jess! Guilt no longer lives in his heart! Apparently it leads to suffering or something, not sure if I’ve got that quite right? Anyway, Jess, now that Jared has discovered the joys of dumping people, guess what? No bad blood though, OK? Hate that stuff, we do.

Just a reminder that there are no Comment of the Week posts on my watch. Josh will be back Sept. 10^th; take it up with him!

–Uncle Lumpy

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Crankshaft, 9/1/22

“With no access to our XOR drive, we have to transcode the online IP to the optic matrix—injecting the form factor won’t scale unless we hack the primary FTP antenna, and our bandwidth visibility is sub-optimal. So our only choice is to connect the back-end mainframe unless you can tap dance. Seriously, we’re going live, grab a top hat and cane!”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/1/22

Oh, c’mon—you guys were literally the entire high school back in the day. No amount of “acting like that” could “exclude you from things,” much as that would have been a better outcome for everybody.

Sherman’s Lagoon, 9/1/22

“Hairless” aside, I really enjoy when Sherman‘s artist exports a character model to a different species: Megan’s pearls, nose, and belligerence are a perfect match.

Gil Thorp, 9/1/22

Hoho, Gil Thorp is going all-in with “Gil and Mimi’s marriage is on the rocks,” and Gil better watch out. First, Mimi challenges her son to an escalating round of Love Declarations (“More than Dad—Say it!“), then deftly sets him up to ally with the younger son of Gil’s hated Valley Tech rival. Soon Gil, separated and jobless, will survey his sad motel room and wonder where it all went wrong. Right here, Gil, while you were sitting on your butt hoping it would all work out. The same way you coach.

–Uncle Lumpy