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Good news for anvil-melting fetishists in today’s comics

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Dick Tracy, 7/15/22

Oh so it turns out that the Moon Ambassador (formerly the Moon Governor) has lured Dick to Moon Valley because some of the Moon People are plotting to use their anvil-melting powers to destroy all of the human governments and take over the earth. Can you imagine our human armies turning around and fleeing in terror as sexy Moon Women use their powers to melt the anvils upon which our military might depends? Truly chilling. Anyway, because the Moon People are so powerful anvil-wise, their society has never developed important jobs like detectives, so they’re not exactly sure who’s doing the plotting. Why figure out who committed a crime when you can melt an anvil, I always say! It seems like because they don’t have a lot of experience in this area, the Moon People don’t really know the difference between “policeman who tries to solve crimes” and “secret policeman who tries to track down political dissidents” and Dick is not going to do anything to clear this matter up, I’m quite willing to bet.

Hi and Lois, 7/15/22

Neutral Milk Hotel’s 1998 album In The Aeroplane Over The Sea was a transformational work of art for a generation of indie rock lovers, but its origins are remarkably prosaic.

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Grim Thursday

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Slylock Fox, 7/14/22

Here’s another sad scene from the tail end of those terrifying weeks when humans lost control of their planet to the Animals that would soon form the regime for which Slylock Fox serves as an enforcer. This doctor, one of the few H. sapiens survivors, hears a rumor of another free human holed up in the desert somewhere. He hitches a ride out there with a sympathetic horse, but when all he finds are dry bones, his mind finally snaps. “He could still be alive!” he shouts through the tears. “Let me check his vital signs!” “C’mon, doc,” the horse says, in shock at seeing the Earth’s former dominant species reduced to such a pathetic state. “Come back to the city! An amnesty’s been declared! They need medicos in the Reserved Zones!” But he’s not listening. That vulture, now — he knows what’s up. He knows these soft humans can die from a broken heart just as easily as from a hoofed or fanged attack. He knows there’s good eating coming.

Dennis the Menace, 7/14/22

What specific sort of menace is Dennis about to unleash with that hammer? A lot of people are going to say “balls-oriented menace” but I think our boy’s smart enough to know that he can do more lasting damage if he aims for the knees.

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Josh gets grumpy

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Mary Worth, 7/13/22

Sorry to be BRIEFLY relatively serious on here but, let’s not forget that Jared and Dawn got together in the first place because she had been involved in a office romance with an older man who — oopsie! — turned out to be married, and Jared was there with his suave moves to pick up the pieces of Dawn’s shattered emotional state and claim him as his girlfriend/wounded baby bird. Fortunately for Dawn, she experiences emotional trauma all the time and has learned to bounce back quickly from it, so Jared had no choice to abandon his girlfriend who is capable of having fun and move on to a new one who has physical scars, not just emotional ones. Jared is a real creep in other words??? I hate him???? I want only bad things to happen to him?????

Funky Winkerbean, 7/13/22

Speaking of unpleasant people whom I dislike, the lesson that the Funkyverse is learning from Crankshaft’s untrammeled reign of terror is that the average newspaper comics reader wants to see irritated old men being unpleasant to people for no real reason, and … honestly, they’re probably not wrong!