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Blondie, 7/20/22

One of my least favorite running bits in this strip is when Dagwood and his work friends enact some elaborate scenario to match up with whatever pan-cultural event or sports championship or anniversary is on the big calendar hanging on the wall over at Blondie HQ. But I really appreciate how this strip subverted my expectations: I genuinely thought the final panel would be some dumb scene with people in homemade spacesuits or whatever but instead it’s just Dithers saying “Get it? He’s a big lazy dipshit! Just look at him. Doesn’t really have anything to do with the moon, I just wanted an excuse to point that out.”

Six Chix, 7/20/22

I genuinely appreciate the scenario being laid out here: that this is a sophisticated vampire bar where humans are killed and drained of their blood (presumably not in that order) in the kitchen so that the clientele can just enjoy their sustenance in a civilized way from glassware without having to fight for it for once, but Vlad and his newfangled vegan vampirism is so repellent to the proprietors that they just threw coffin full of oranges at him and were like “Here, you figure it out, you sick freak.”

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Mary Worth, 7/19/22

You know, you hear a lot these days about “reboots” this and “dark and edgy” that, while media properties like Mary Worth that have just kind of soldiered along in a straight line for decades mostly get written off as old and stale. But I ask you: can you imagine anything darker and edgier than a story where a woman gets beaten up in a random attack and falls for her physician’s assistant but is convinced he’s not sexually attracted to her because she’s still bruised from her beating, and also the physician’s assistant in question is a monumentally unpleasant Star Wars dork/”nice guy” manipulator? This strip should be rated X for the X-treme emotional distress it’s inspiring in me.

Zits, 7/19/22

Look, everyone, I get it: you want your comic strip to reflect (vaguely) current trends, but you don’t feel like watching all of Bridgerton, Netflix’s hottest (?) show. Still, you feel like you’ve heard enough about it to, you know, get the gist. It’s like Jane Austen-ish, right? But racially inclusive, somehow? Probably people are doing themed weddings? Chicks like it? Including moms? Anyway, I too have not watched this show, but if you are going to do jokes about it in setting up a plot about a Bridgerton-themed wedding, I would urge you to at least read the Wikipedia article to learn how much of it is about jizz.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/19/22

Say, kids, what’s more exciting than an old man telling a long rambling story about that time he tried and failed to get a job writing Prince Valiant? Well, turns out it’s an old man telling a long rambling story about that time he tried and failed to get a job writing Prince Valiant and realizing partway through that he’s forgotten quite a bit of it.

Shoe, 7/19/22

“That’s mostly because I break into other people’s houses to watch. I save a lot on streaming services, and it’s a lot more exciting!”

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Slylock Fox, 7/18/22

I honestly have quite a few questions about how realistic these Cyber-Weirdlies are. Like, can they talk? Do they hold up a conversation or just have an ELIZA-style set of canned phrases they use to respond to everything? How much autonomy do they have to move around? How docile was this bot as the duck-cop tied a single thin rope around him and then led him back to Slylock? Did the duck really think that master criminal and inventor Count Weirdly would allow himself to be so easily captured and served up on a platter to his archnemesis, Slylock Fox? I guess my questions are honestly much more about how dumb Officer Quackers here is, and also about why he’s been saddled with the name “Deputy Duck” when Officer Quackers is obviously much funnier.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/18/22

One definite sign I’m getting old is that I’m not a “car guy” by any means but every time I see a Cadillac built in the last 10 years I think “jeez, this looks like ass,” and when I see one of these “classic” Caddys from my youth like the one Tildy’s driving herself to the hospital in here, I’m like “yes, YES, this is what a Cadillac SHOULD look like,” even though, objectively, they look like ass as well. Still, if Tildy is a little more in touch with the nuances of her aging body than her husband and really is having a heart attack, I will shed a single tear to see this majestic vehicle swerve off the road into a tree.

Hagar the Horrible, 7/18/22

Hagar is right to be surprised in panel two. This is Viking Age! A boat like this should be an economic boon its owner, allowing them to either trade or raid depending on the military strength of the peoples on whose shore they arrive! If someone is just using a boat as an expensive hobby, then the world is truly changing and maybe Hagar isn’t going to be able to just murder people and steal their stuff for a living anymore.