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The Lockhorns, 8/13/22

The thing about the Lockhorns is that, while in one sense they’re millennials, in another sense they’re trapped in an eternal present in which they never age but their hateful marriage extends indefinitely into infinity, and so they’re always having to upgrade their mutual loathing into ever more baroque forms. It’s no longer enough for Leroy to just look at Loretta’s cooking and say something cutting with dead eyes; now he has to come up with some pretext to drag her to the tent section at REI and say “Look! No kitchen! Wouldn’t it be great to live here? To forage for mushrooms and berries, maybe trap small game, like our primitive ancestors did? Agriculture was a mistake, Loretta, a mistake, because it gave rise to cooking, which led to your cooking in particular. I’d rather get parasites from eating raw rabbit, Loretta! I really would!”

Dick Tracy, 8/13/22

Wow, this Lunarian supremicist faction within the Antarctic Lunarian colony really knows how to put on a show! Remember, having having a guy on stage ranting about seizing power and starting genocidal wars may have worked for Hitler, but in this day and age, people want to feel more connected to their despots. That’s why you want to have plants in the audience asking the questions whose answers reveal the true evil of your plans, making your bloodthirsty diatribe feel more like a bloodthirsty conversation among friends.

Pluggers, 8/13/22

Well, if you’re in Iowa, it’s probably a dizzy spell? Maybe go see a doctor, sir! A doctor can diagnose this better than a syndicated newspaper comic strip that illustrates reader jokes with folksy furries can, trust me on this!

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Is it time for your comment of the week? You know it!

“It’s good to know that this guy specifically chose a chunky, heavy gold wedding ring. He’s so married he wants his ring to be visible from space. You got the Great Wall and you got this. You won’t see him putting out for an appletini, baby.” –made of wince

Are the runners up hilarious? You bet they are!

“Dad, those are just the things people said to your face. Believe me, you’ve been called much worse.” –Merry Mirth

“Hi, Plato! Killer was just giving me a, uh … document HOW WAS YOUR DATE?” –Davey Compson

“I love how Dagwood doesn’t even look sweaty in panel 2. ‘Yes, it is hot enough for me. A nice comfortable 70°F, perfect for wandering around the office in a three piece suit!’” –Schroduck

“Distressing implications in today’s Blondie. After, what, 80+ years (?) of consuming suspicious foods and millions of Scoville units, Dagwood’s taste buds have all but shriveled away. He eats the way he does in a futile attempt to be able to taste something, anything, like he used to. Nuclear chili, at the very least, makes him feel something.” –Austria

“What is this? Local Gossip Radio, hosted by the Beards of Evil?” –Anonymous

“Maybe, if I were a better person, I could be cuddling up with … Jared?! Wait, no, that can’t be right.” –Joe Blevins

“Yeah, I didn’t even tell him to look after the house, I just left a case of beer in the fridge knowing that he would sniff it out like a campground raccoon and nest there. He should protect his territory from burglars for the next week before moving on.” –pugfuggly

“I appreciate the sequence of today’s strips. We start off our journey with Dawn agonizing that she’ll never find ‘lasting happiness’, with the other two questioning if there really is such a thing. Who’s to say that she and Jared wouldn’t have ended up like the Lockhorns, forever entwined in a bitter battle neither can bring themselves to walk away from, where one day the city comes to seize their home for unpaid taxes only to find their mummified husks where one has their hands around the other’s neck. Or they couldn’t become Hi and Lois, outwardly happy but consigned to the humdrum life of the suburbs where the only thrills are enabling your neighbor’s alcoholism and finding ways to escape from your troubled children. There are worse fates than becoming your father, so shave your head and get started on a life of single self-centered schlubbiness before your life gets so miserable that you start taunting your hated spouse while he has a wrench in his hand.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“‘I’m in MENSA, my mind is quick’ is a top-tier round-headed antagonist volley. New writer starting extremely strong. Debate him, Gil Thorp!” –Dan

“Lois, Trixie, Hi, and Ditto are happily looking at the ocean. Dot and Chip are happily looking at the logo for ‘Stadia Penises.’” –matt w

“I need to get Gil’s side of the story first! [calls Gil] Gil? This is Marty Moon. I had a source on my show today that alleges that we are buddies. Do you have any comment on these allegations?” –Drew Funk

“I can just hear a pitch for this week’s installments of Marvin. ‘Think of Pickles. Now ask yourself: what if it were bad?’” –Acilius

“Well, on the plus side, the enemy is mixing forward attack elements (armor), infantry support weapons (mortars), and long-range fire support (artillery) on the same hill. They’re as incompetent as the soldiers from Camp Swampy! How much consolation that is to the thin pink mist that was Beetle’s squad is left to the reader.” –Voshkod

“Earlier, the supply officer had weighed the cost of army issue binoculars against the lives of the average Camp Swampy soldier. ‘Sorry, we’re all out. Try squinting really hard.’” –Hibbleton

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Beetle Bailey, 8/12/22

Wow, we all spent a lot of time making fun Beetle Bailey as a “lazy bum” and a “moron” and a “disgrace to the U.S. military,” but it turns out he’s quite capable of using his military training to quickly and accurately assess threats to unit’s current position. Unfortunately, his “unit” consists of three guys in a trench with two WWI-era rifles between them and they’re about to be annihilated by artillery fire, but still, it’s nice to know he’s not the dummy we all thought he was.

Gil Thorp, 8/12/22

I apologize for my earlier misstatement: Marty Moon doesn’t have a radio show, he has a podcast, which he records at a radio station, but still: he’s moved away from tired, legacy media like radio waves and is now in tune with what the hip kids are into with their iPhones and cyberspace and stuff, because he is a media leader who keeps up with the times. Either that or WDIG won’t let him do live on-air stuff anymore, ever since “the incident.”

Marvin, 8/12/22

Marvin’s grandpa’s friend (no, I’m not going to try to remember his name and I never will) really has spent the entire week staring his own mortality and failure as a person in the face, but it’s almost the weekend so today we’re gonna “have a little fun” (talk about the cruel games he and his wife play because they have come to despite each other but cannot imagine being apart).