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Hello, everyone, I have returned to my comics mocking duties! Everyone who gave to the summer fundraiser will be getting a personal thank you note, but I want to send everyone a huge public thank-you now, and also send a huge thanks to the always amazing Uncle Lumpy (and his pal Turtle Carl) for filling in for me on the site!

Mary Worth, 9/7/21

Big Mary Worth news always seems to happen in my absence. In this case, it was Wilbur getting dumped, which was almost as emotionally violent as the big gangland shootout I missed back in 2009. As usual, I’m just left with the hilarious aftermath, which in this case is Wilbur “lamenting” his situation, if strutting angrily around the perfectly manicured Santa Royale grounds with clenched fists absolutely seething about how his girlfriend dumped him just because he was an asshole counts as a “lament.”

Dick Tracy, 9/7/21

In Dick Tracy, meanwhile, we have a couple new masked playing card themed villains to deal with, and frankly I think keeping their masks on while just hanging around their lair/office shooting the shit may be overcommitting to the bit somewhat, unless Diet Smith’s Time Drone really can spy on anyone, anywhere, in which case they’re the first people to catch on to the new reality where we’re all going to be wearing ski masks all the time now.

Marvin, 9/7/21

I had to go back to the strips from my vacation to make sure there wasn’t a Marvin plot where Jenny got pregnant or something, but no, there’s no real context for this strip, in which Jeff and Jenny are lying in bed staring at the ceiling in horror at the thought that another hell-child might someday join the hell-child they currently have. So I assume that we’re seeing the moment just after they almost gave into their lustful marital urges but resisted at the last minute because the prospect of creating a Marvin-sibling, despite what I assume are multiple medical interventions to prevent such an accursed outcome, once again snuffed their arousal out.

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Mark Trail, 9/6/21

I’ve been enjoying Mark’s fish-out-of-water misadventures in wildlife-themed social media, and especially Cherry’s return to Elrod-era badassery. But it’s deeply satisfying to see Mark head back into his element, confident hand on the wheel and fully prepared for whatever’s ahead. And the fact that he’s leaving Rusty out of yet another fishing trip, well, that’s just the icing on the cake.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 9/6/21

It’s funny because John and George are dead!

Pardon My Planet, 9/6/21

I dunno, Jesse, somebody put a lot of care into inking those jeans.

Take It from the Tinkersons, 9/6/21

Oh no! Clueless boss Ed interrupted Joe just as he was about to spill the beans to Ted about the real culprit in Helen’s husbands’ deaths. Now it’s six months of “My son is lazy and my dog is fat” until the facts emerge. Why is there never a Time Drone around when you need one?

Pluggers, 9/6/21

Happy Labor Day, faithful U.S. and Canadian readers! Hot dogs are sandwiches—enjoy every one!

Welp, that’s it for me! Thanks, everybody; I had a good time. Tune in again tomorrow for Josh’s triumphant return!

— Uncle Lumpy

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“Hello kids, and welcome back to World of Animals — I’m your beloved host, Carl. Well, it’s been quite a while, so let’s all catch up — on entertaining Nature Facts from the wonderful World of Animals!”

Arctic Circle, 9/5/21

Did you know that turtles get parasites? It’s true! We’re prone to nematodes, tapeworms, flukes … a few roundworms even help with our notoriously slow digestion—thanks, symbionts! But we try to be a little discreet about it, you know? We don’t go walking around with some blood-sucker hanging off the outside of our shell, like this guy. That’s just vulgar!

Mark Trail, 9/5/21

Everybody knows spiders are arachnids and centipedes are arthropods and bees are insects, but did you know they’re all bugs? It’s true! And don’t go hating on them—you humans are badly outnumbered!

Mutts, 9/5/21

Have you heard the saying, “Dogs are good?” Don’t believe it! They are emotionally manipulative con artists, thieves, and gluttons!

Slylock Fox (panels), 9/5/21

Did you know that animal societies are quite complex, with interactions we can’t always explain? It’s true! Fortunately, Nature always leaves clues.

Slylock Fox (panel), 9/5/21

Spoiler Alert! Like most reptiles, crocodiles are very polite!

Thanks so very much for your kind attention. I do hope we have an opportunity to get together again soon!

Very truly yours,

— Turtle Carl